Centaureds story. TW

[Centaured]

I feel like writing down some of my story might help me ease some of the pain in my head right now. Ive been on beyond blue for a while now and had a few different threads but haven't shared much of my story, or the reasons why I have developed DID.

Be mindful this post mentions different types of abuse.

On the outside my childhood looked normal. I had a mum, a dad, a brother, and some extended family. And although we weren't well off, my parents still owned their home and we had food on the table.But behind closed things were falling apart.

It starts at just 5. My dad was diagnosed with a serious brain tumour. It mainly effected his emotions and his body's ability to regulate itself. He was very sick, spent over 6 months in treatment. The drs got rid of his tumour but he was never the same, with serious brain damage and vision impaired.
My mum became physically abusive not being able manage, or lock us up for days. I don't know what was worse.
At 5 I also had a big operation in my abdomen and with things going on at home began my struggle with eating and thus I later developed an eating disorder but that is only a side note.

In the years following I had issues with my grandfather, he was always touchy but I vague memories of this slowly getting worse.

Then at 8-9 I was the product of incest. My brother would touch me, but in the later period this left to much more and rape. 

The next year my family moved states and I got away from grandfather and my brothers abuse stopped.

I would withdraw into fantasy and began to dissociate a lot.

Then High School came around and was difficult with very few friends and bullying and avoidance.
My mum had an affair when I was 13 and then left my dad. Forcing me and my brother to live week with her week with dad. It was very destabilizing.

Later on in school I became increasingly withdrawn, and began to self harm. My weight at this point was getting very low. By the end of high school my weight was critical and I made my first attempt.

Ive spent the next 11 years in and out of hospital, institutions, in various therapies, seen so many different professionals, struggling to come to the conclusion that I am not not what has happened to me

[Summer Rose]

Hi Centaured 

I’m really sorry about the loss of your mate. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard this must be for you right now.

I think it’s important to acknowledge that this type of life changing event is very hard for people even when they are in the best possible state of mental health. So, I think it’s unfortunately to be expected that this experience is likely to be quite challenging. Go easy on yourself.
This is a time when I want to encourage you to reach out for professional help. And remember that it’s okay to concentrate on just “doing today” while you grieve and process your emotions.

People deal with grief in many different ways. There is no right or wrong or time limit, it’s about finding ways to cope that work for you.

My most recent loss was my mother. I cried buckets of tears, surrounded myself with photos and talked to her—two years down the track and I still talk with her regularly. I know that might sound strange and certainly wouldn’t work for everyone, but it gives me comfort.

Many people choose to write down their feelings or do something to commemorate their loss (eg light a candle and create a space for reflection) or it can also help to just talk about the person you’ve lost.

If you want to share here, I’m listening.

Kind thoughts to you 

[Bob_22]

Hi Centaured,

Thanks for the update. I'm sorry to hear that it has been a difficult week and a half and I'm especially sorry about your friend's passing. It sounds like you were close to them and I can imagine you must miss them very much during this critical time in your life. If you ever want to speak to a grief counsellor one one one over the phone about how your travelling you can contact https://griefline.org.au/ on 1300 845 745 from 8am to 8pm. They could perhaps support you a little bit with losing a close friend. I know for me, speaking to someone is what helped me.

Regarding the move, how are you finding the new home and the new area? Are the staff and/or other residents ok/supportive? Thinking of you 💙

Bob

[Centaured]

I want to join him. He got to leave his pain behind but I can't. They always tell me I can't. But I'm tired of trying. I know I've been here before, been in this place before, I know how to get through. But this just feels more real now.

[smallwolf]

hi,

i noticed you have a few thread around here. And I will admit I have not read them all. But from the few words here in your post, I understand there is someone you were very close close you, had such an impact on your life. And yes, this time of feeling low is temporary, and at the time you are wondering when it will end. All you can do is take it hour by hour and day by day. And know there are people here at Beyond Blue who you can call and talk to. Hope you can tell me a little about what is going on...

[Summer Rose]

Hey Centaured 

Thinking about you. Hoping your days are getting a little easier.

Kind thoughts to you 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Centaured,

 I can hear you’ve been experiencing so much emotional pain. How are you going today?

[Centaured]

Hi lovely people. 

Sorry I've not been online. The last few weeks have been really rough. I'm currently in ICU following a serious suicide attempt and really struggling, feeling emotional and all alone.  

They say I'm on the improve and should be downgraded to a medical ward soon. But I still feel so messed up and wondering why they managed to bother to save my life. Im in a dark hole and don't see a way out. 

[Summer Rose]

I’m really glad you’re here, Centaured. 
I believe, simply put, “they managed to bother to save your life” because you matter. You have a sensitive, kind and loving soul and a brave heart. And a spirit capable of soaring to great heights. You deserve nothing but care and love.

Perhaps what’s needed now is rest, and when you’re ready to take a baby step. That one step could be the one to put you in a position to see a ray of light.

I am with you. You are not alone.

Kind thoughts to you 

[Centaured]

♥️ much appreciated summer rose. I value your care and support. 

[Summer Rose]

Thank you, lovely. I value you, too! In fact, I admire you in so many ways. You have so much to teach us all about empathy, courage and tenacity.

This thing we call life is both wonderful and challenging at the same time, and it’s so much easier to go through it with people that support and care for us. I’m so grateful to have met you and have the opportunity to be a part of your world💜