Centaureds story. TW

[Centaured]

I feel like writing down some of my story might help me ease some of the pain in my head right now. Ive been on beyond blue for a while now and had a few different threads but haven't shared much of my story, or the reasons why I have developed DID.

Be mindful this post mentions different types of abuse.

On the outside my childhood looked normal. I had a mum, a dad, a brother, and some extended family. And although we weren't well off, my parents still owned their home and we had food on the table.But behind closed things were falling apart.

It starts at just 5. My dad was diagnosed with a serious brain tumour. It mainly effected his emotions and his body's ability to regulate itself. He was very sick, spent over 6 months in treatment. The drs got rid of his tumour but he was never the same, with serious brain damage and vision impaired.
My mum became physically abusive not being able manage, or lock us up for days. I don't know what was worse.
At 5 I also had a big operation in my abdomen and with things going on at home began my struggle with eating and thus I later developed an eating disorder but that is only a side note.

In the years following I had issues with my grandfather, he was always touchy but I vague memories of this slowly getting worse.

Then at 8-9 I was the product of incest. My brother would touch me, but in the later period this left to much more and rape. 

The next year my family moved states and I got away from grandfather and my brothers abuse stopped.

I would withdraw into fantasy and began to dissociate a lot.

Then High School came around and was difficult with very few friends and bullying and avoidance.
My mum had an affair when I was 13 and then left my dad. Forcing me and my brother to live week with her week with dad. It was very destabilizing.

Later on in school I became increasingly withdrawn, and began to self harm. My weight at this point was getting very low. By the end of high school my weight was critical and I made my first attempt.

Ive spent the next 11 years in and out of hospital, institutions, in various therapies, seen so many different professionals, struggling to come to the conclusion that I am not not what has happened to me

[Centaured]

Hey Bob. I'm not sure what services there are. 

I got back on antidepressants and they are making a difference. My psychiatrist is usually pretty good, I just think they were having a bad day. And as I'm in the public system I can't really get another one. 

Lately the self care hasn't really been working. And today I woke up sick. It's just all getting on top of me. My supports won't get back to me and I kinda just want to run away from home rn. 🙃 but I'm still trying, I guess that's something.  

[Centaured]

"You don't know the hell I've been through
You don't know the price I paid
You can't see the walls I'm bracing

time I'm facing
All my days
Every bit of man I once was
Every bit of love that I could have
Living in a moment
Setting into motion
All the other fear I had"

Empty by letdown. 

This song speaks to me rn.

I have the flu, an infection and all round I  just had a miserable day. I feel like harming.....it's so hard dealing with those thoughts all the time. I don't know what to do. I feel stuck. 

[mmMekitty]

Hello Centaured

I am replying to your post from last Thursday.

My father held a similar view about abuse I endured when I was a child, in that he seemed to think because it was so long ago I ought to have somehow got over it by now, (& that was 25+ years ago).

I was never sure what 'getting over it' meant in the first place, because it's not something so trivial that it can be quickly nor easily understood & all the feelings & thoughts, all damage done could be repaired, presto, good as new. That's the sort of expectation I felt from him & others when it seems to me, they are not comfortable enough to be with us when we need more care & support, when we need to be listened to & understood.

I am outraged your psychiatrist said that to you. I don't think there is a valid excuse for that ill-considered response, which is disrespectful of you, dismissive, unsympathetic & unprofessional.

It's like they are trying to shut you down.

Bad day or something else, the time you have with your psychiatrist is supposed to be for you, your needs & care, not theirs.

I'm angry alongside you. How dare that 'friend' treat you that way?! How dare your psychiatrist be so uncaring?!

I think it would be important, given that you are continuing to see your psychiatrist, to bring up your feelings about what they said. After everything you have survived, your 'friend' abused & sexually assaulted you, & your psychiatrist seems to to think you ought to be able to simply shake it off??? I can only imagine how this must hurt like hell - what your 'friend' did & how your psychiatrist responded.

Big warm hugzies, Centaured. I wish I could be there to give you the place & time to talk, to express your feelings, too.  Maybe tell your psychiatrist that you need to be heard & to be able to work through all the thought & feelings that arise, & then, maybe you can think about the incident being in the past.

mmMekitty,

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Centaured,

A very warm welcome and thank you for sharing your story with us. 

How hard you have worked to come to the conclusion that you were not what had happened to you. This is such a big realisation and I also hope a turning point in your life. Things that happened to you were out of your control. Totally. Unfortunately, you were hurt. However, now as an adult you finally have the chance to choose things that are going to bring joy to your life. Live your life on your terms. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Centaured,

Thanks for the update. It's good to hear that you got back on medication and it seems to helping. The benefits should continue to increase as time goes on. Can't remember what state you're in but here's a list of the sexual assault services in NSW: https://www.health.nsw.gov.au/parvan/sexualassault/Pages/health-sas-services.aspx 

Hope that helps.

Bob

[Centaured]

My nan just passed away 😞

[Bob_22]

Hi Centaured,

I'm so sorry. I don't know what you're going through right now but it must be tough. Just know we are here for you and please take care of yourself. Remember to reach out if you need it.

Bob

[Centaured]

Thanks Bob. 

Things are so chaotic rn. I haven't slept more than an hour a night since Saturday.  Then this hit. 

I can't deal with life anymore. I want out. 

[Centaured]

I have my Nan's funeral in a week. I'm not sure how I feel about going to a town I spent a lot of my childhood in. It could be interesting to say the least. I'm also worried about seeing the family. Its going to be a weird week. I'm kinda worried as I already hurt myself pretty badly on Thursday. I didn't do any long term damage and I'm ok today, just anxiou about it all. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Centaured,

Thanks for the update. How did the funeral go? Hope you've been ok otherwise.

Bob