Centaureds story. TW

[Centaured]

I feel like writing down some of my story might help me ease some of the pain in my head right now. Ive been on beyond blue for a while now and had a few different threads but haven't shared much of my story, or the reasons why I have developed DID.

Be mindful this post mentions different types of abuse.

On the outside my childhood looked normal. I had a mum, a dad, a brother, and some extended family. And although we weren't well off, my parents still owned their home and we had food on the table.But behind closed things were falling apart.

It starts at just 5. My dad was diagnosed with a serious brain tumour. It mainly effected his emotions and his body's ability to regulate itself. He was very sick, spent over 6 months in treatment. The drs got rid of his tumour but he was never the same, with serious brain damage and vision impaired.
My mum became physically abusive not being able manage, or lock us up for days. I don't know what was worse.
At 5 I also had a big operation in my abdomen and with things going on at home began my struggle with eating and thus I later developed an eating disorder but that is only a side note.

In the years following I had issues with my grandfather, he was always touchy but I vague memories of this slowly getting worse.

Then at 8-9 I was the product of incest. My brother would touch me, but in the later period this left to much more and rape. 

The next year my family moved states and I got away from grandfather and my brothers abuse stopped.

I would withdraw into fantasy and began to dissociate a lot.

Then High School came around and was difficult with very few friends and bullying and avoidance.
My mum had an affair when I was 13 and then left my dad. Forcing me and my brother to live week with her week with dad. It was very destabilizing.

Later on in school I became increasingly withdrawn, and began to self harm. My weight at this point was getting very low. By the end of high school my weight was critical and I made my first attempt.

Ive spent the next 11 years in and out of hospital, institutions, in various therapies, seen so many different professionals, struggling to come to the conclusion that I am not not what has happened to me

[Bob_22]

Hi Centaured,

Apologies for my delay in getting back to you. It sounds like with the flashbacks you have suffered and experienced some trauma with the previous suicide attempt. I hope the last few weeks have been better for you. There is some good information available here on coping with trauma:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/mental-health/trauma 

For me personally, I've found that a big part of coping with trauma is giving yourself permission to still experience stress and anxiety but also allowing some time to heal. There is no quick fix but with time and the proper support you can learn to cope better. I hope this helps.

Bob

[Centaured]

I know it's been a while since I've been here. 

I'm really struggling not to give up. I've tried reaching out to my supports bit they can't help. I'm so tired. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Centaured,

My sincere apologies for taking over a month to reply to you. I hope since your last post you haven't felt as tired or alone. I'm aware it's an ongoing struggle but please continue to reach out.

The truth is that over the last few months I have been pulling back from the forums. I had originally intended to return to full capacity toward the end of the year but am currently struggling to motivate myself to commit myself to this space to the degree I desire. I'm currently working as a peer support worker, which I'm loving, but find it difficult to come home after work and continue to wear my "peer worker" hat on the BB forums. I've  therefor come to the decision that I should probably withdraw from the forums for the time being as I do not want to do a half-job.

I hope you don't feel as though I'm leaving you in limbo. There are great posters here as well as the tireless support of our moderators and counsellors who are always available through https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor I will continue to check in from time to time, but for the time being I will be hanging up my hat as a community champion and support the great staff and volunteers here from afar. 

Please be kind to yourself. Your strength and resilience has and will continue to inspire me.

Bob