Centaureds story. TW

[Centaured]

I feel like writing down some of my story might help me ease some of the pain in my head right now. Ive been on beyond blue for a while now and had a few different threads but haven't shared much of my story, or the reasons why I have developed DID.

Be mindful this post mentions different types of abuse.

On the outside my childhood looked normal. I had a mum, a dad, a brother, and some extended family. And although we weren't well off, my parents still owned their home and we had food on the table.But behind closed things were falling apart.

It starts at just 5. My dad was diagnosed with a serious brain tumour. It mainly effected his emotions and his body's ability to regulate itself. He was very sick, spent over 6 months in treatment. The drs got rid of his tumour but he was never the same, with serious brain damage and vision impaired.
My mum became physically abusive not being able manage, or lock us up for days. I don't know what was worse.
At 5 I also had a big operation in my abdomen and with things going on at home began my struggle with eating and thus I later developed an eating disorder but that is only a side note.

In the years following I had issues with my grandfather, he was always touchy but I vague memories of this slowly getting worse.

Then at 8-9 I was the product of incest. My brother would touch me, but in the later period this left to much more and rape. 

The next year my family moved states and I got away from grandfather and my brothers abuse stopped.

I would withdraw into fantasy and began to dissociate a lot.

Then High School came around and was difficult with very few friends and bullying and avoidance.
My mum had an affair when I was 13 and then left my dad. Forcing me and my brother to live week with her week with dad. It was very destabilizing.

Later on in school I became increasingly withdrawn, and began to self harm. My weight at this point was getting very low. By the end of high school my weight was critical and I made my first attempt.

Ive spent the next 11 years in and out of hospital, institutions, in various therapies, seen so many different professionals, struggling to come to the conclusion that I am not not what has happened to me

[mmMekitty]

Hi Centaured & Bob

I am sorry I haven't been around here to see what an awful time you've been having, Centaured. So sad to lose someone you care so much about, then have to put yourself in such an uncomfortable situation to attend the funeral. It obviously meant a lot to you to go to the funeral. I'm so sorry it was so difficult.

I was pleased to see you have given yurself something to look forward to - the concert, going with a friend, sounds great. A few hours can feel like a holiday when doing something we like, such as enjoying the performance of favourite musicians. If you can hold in mind that you have nothing else to do that night but enjoy the concert, I'm sure it will be wonderful.

I like your poems,too. I have found writing is a good way to free up the emotions & let them out in the safe way that writing is. Sure you may not be able to say exactly everything you feel here on BB, but at home, for your own expressive venting, writing knowing no-one can see what you write unless you let them, is so freeing. I found saying what I feel, even if only to myself, was very useful.

Allowing myself to write freely, I found the words I'd found so hard to find when talking. It was later that I began talking to my Psychiatrist that has helped even more.

Please, try to not be so hard on yourself about what happened with the police - the situation was unusal, you felt under a lot of strain & your feeling were stirred up so much that day. I am so glad the police were so understanding & you weren't charged.

I wonder, if the stay in hospital was helpful for you? Maybe, if nothing else, it gave you a little break from everything going on outside.

Big hugzies

mmMekitty 

[Bob_22]

Hi Centaured,

Thanks for the update. I'm sorry to hear that you're in hospital at the moment. I hope things are going better for you this admission. It must be tough and we're thinking of you.

Bob

[mmMekitty]

Oh, dear Centaured,  I'm so sorry to realise as I was typing you had posted about being in hospital again... I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for you to keep trying & feeling like you can't cope, to feel you want to end it all.

Your voice is so strong here on BB. Every time you find the courage & strength to keep living, others are encouraged to find their own strength & courage.

"Everything is pointless", you say. I say, pointless, are you saying, 'without meaning'? 

Many people have wanted & needed life to have meaning for centuries. Some say we need to find or create our own meaning or reason for living. My thoughts lean in that direction.

I'm also leaning towards thinking I can & do have value & worth even if my life remains without a clearly defined meaning. Maybe I'll figure that out when I look back over my life in say, 25 years, or so.

I'll be pleased if my words have some meaning for you today. I'm hoping my post here will show you I care, as does Bob. I very much wish I'd seen your earlier posts, earlier.

I don't know what happened to get you from looking forward to a concert of a favourite band with a friend, to being in hospital again. I am not sure what you are referring to when you say you can't deal with 'things' - I mean, what things?

I know for a while I couldn't deal with some memories & feelings, until I learned that I could. It's true, I didn't think I could until I did.

My thoughts & feelings felt so overwhelming, surging up through me like an errupting volcano, & I feared I could not deal with such intense feelings & the vividness of the memories. But I did cope - life has not defeated me.

I have a feeling this could be what you can experience too. It's rough & feels awful at the time, but there will come a day when you look up & notice you have survived. No, you are not destroyed. You can rebuil yourself.

If I can give you strength & courage, please, take it.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Centaured]

The last month has been real hard. I don't even know why I'm bothering.  

I nearly died and was close to a coma the other day. It was scary waking up. I'm so tired.  All the time. Nothing makes it easier. I just want to fall asleep and never wake. There's no point talking to my support workers. I'm just over it all. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Centraured,

Thank you for reaching out today with all that has been happening. We’re sorry to hear that you’re dealing with a lot right now and can hear that it's hard to just keep going at the moment.
If you’d like to reach out to us , we’re on 1300 22 4636, or you can use our webchat here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/ 
Other options are Lifeline on 13 11 14 or the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467.
If you feel like you may be unable to avoid acting on thoughts of self-harm, suicide, or violence towards yourself or others, it’s important to call 000 or present to your local hospital's emergency department.

Thanks again for letting us know what's going on for you. We're here for you.

Kind regards, 
Sophie M
 

[Bob_22]

Hi Centaured,

Thanks for the update and sorry it's taken so long to get back to you. It sounds like you're really struggling at the moment. I hope you are making use of your safety plan and if you don't have one please make one here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning 

How have these last few weeks been? What's going on for you at the moment?

Bob

[mmMekitty]

Hello Centaured

I'm sure you hav heard the old adage "One day at a time", if no where else, maybe you have heard the gospel song of the same name. I am an atheist, but that won't stop  me from taking that phrase to heart when necessary. Sometimes, when I haven't coped so well, all I can do is take one day at a time, or one hour, or the next few minutes ... If you can cope with the next minute, you can cope with another, & another.

With each minute you cope with, you will become stronger & able to cope with more minutes.

If you need people to care for you right now, let them do that. Take a break away from coping, I guess - why not?

while it's been rough for you, I want to remind you, there are times when it is not so rough, & so there will be again.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Centaured]

Today is the 4 year anniversary of the worst attempt of my life that had left me perfectly disabled. I'm so overwhelmed with flashbacks and memories. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Centaured,

Thank you for sharing here today. It is no doubt a really challenging day and we are glad that you have chosen to talk about it here. Anniveraries can bring up a lot of different emotions and it can be good to have some support on hand just in case.

Please do not hesitate to reach out, whether to the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636, to Lifeline on 13 11 14, or the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467. If it is an emergency, please call 000.

We hope that sharing here is helpful today. We are all here sitting with you ❤️

Kind regards
Sophie M

[mmMekitty]

Hi Centaured

I'm sorry I didn't see your post tooday, until now, when it is late & nearly Tuesday. I hope you spent today with people, busy & able to enjoy that, although it has been a very rocky road for you, & although sometimes you don't feel it, but actually living is worth all the effort.

Goodnight, & pleasant dreams.

Hugzies

mmMekitty