Centaureds story. TW

[Centaured]

I feel like writing down some of my story might help me ease some of the pain in my head right now. Ive been on beyond blue for a while now and had a few different threads but haven't shared much of my story, or the reasons why I have developed DID.

Be mindful this post mentions different types of abuse.

On the outside my childhood looked normal. I had a mum, a dad, a brother, and some extended family. And although we weren't well off, my parents still owned their home and we had food on the table.But behind closed things were falling apart.

It starts at just 5. My dad was diagnosed with a serious brain tumour. It mainly effected his emotions and his body's ability to regulate itself. He was very sick, spent over 6 months in treatment. The drs got rid of his tumour but he was never the same, with serious brain damage and vision impaired.
My mum became physically abusive not being able manage, or lock us up for days. I don't know what was worse.
At 5 I also had a big operation in my abdomen and with things going on at home began my struggle with eating and thus I later developed an eating disorder but that is only a side note.

In the years following I had issues with my grandfather, he was always touchy but I vague memories of this slowly getting worse.

Then at 8-9 I was the product of incest. My brother would touch me, but in the later period this left to much more and rape. 

The next year my family moved states and I got away from grandfather and my brothers abuse stopped.

I would withdraw into fantasy and began to dissociate a lot.

Then High School came around and was difficult with very few friends and bullying and avoidance.
My mum had an affair when I was 13 and then left my dad. Forcing me and my brother to live week with her week with dad. It was very destabilizing.

Later on in school I became increasingly withdrawn, and began to self harm. My weight at this point was getting very low. By the end of high school my weight was critical and I made my first attempt.

Ive spent the next 11 years in and out of hospital, institutions, in various therapies, seen so many different professionals, struggling to come to the conclusion that I am not not what has happened to me

[Centaured]

Wow. I just said I felt like dying to a support service and they hung up. Great support.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Centaured, It may well be worth having another go. I’m not sure what happened there with your call, but I once had a bad experience on a helpline, waited a few minutes to recompose myself and then called another one. The second time I got someone lovely who was so kind, supportive and helpful. Good on you for making the effort to call and don’t give up. Sometimes I’ve found you have to persist until you find the right help. Take care.

[Centaured]

That support service are usually really good. I was just shocked when they hung up. I was like 2 minutes into the call. 

I ended up speaking to beyond blue and going to bed. 

Things have been really difficult since my birthday. Something bad happened between me and a friend and I can't get over it. I tried to suicide on Tuesday because a support brought up what happened.

I'm really not coping. 

[Sophie_M]

Hey Centaured, 

Thanks for sharing this update. We're sorry to hear how tough it's been lately, but the steps you've taken in sharing, reaching out, and using these connections to stay safe are really powerful to hear of.

We're always here to talk, and have reached out to you privately this morning - we hope that's ok with you.

Please keep sharing whenever you feel comfortable to. We're here, and your friends on the Forums are listening and thinking of you. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[geoff]

Hello Centaured, I suppose people in these support centres also have their bad days and if so, then they shouldn't go to work, because their job is to offer help to those who aren't experienced in doing this by themselves.

This was most unfortunate and sorry you had to cope with this, because it may deter you from ringing them again, but chances of this person speaking to you again are very high, never the less it's happened.

I actually rang a call centre when I first becamr depressed and that was a long time ago, and like you I wasn't too impressed and that person also must have had something that was annoying them, in this case they should be talking to anyone.

We understand what you have doing and apologise and if you feel this has become urgent, then can you talk with your doctor who may suggest going to hospital.

Please take care we are here for you.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Centaured

I really want to encourage you not to underestimate yourself. 

You are one of the bravest people I've ever encountered and the strength inside you is irrefutable.  You may not share this view now, but the dark thoughts and feelings you are experiencing will pass.

I once read, somewhere, that, "the human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it."  To some no doubt a useless inspirational quote, but the words stayed with me--perhaps because it was something I needed to hear at the time.  

You can do this.  

Kind thoughts to you

[mmMekitty]

Hello Centaured

May I offer another explanation for the call ending so abruptly is could be that the lline/signal simply dropped out?

I've had that happen while talking to my PDr, to my sis, & to my support workers, too, each more than once.

I have feared I would be a burden to people, until I understood, people who are there to help us are there because they chose to be, because they care & want the best for us. When you ask help from someone who has chosen to take on any sort of caring & helping role, they are not seeing you as a burden. I have heard many times that while helping, supporting & caring for others is hard, it is also very rewarding for the people who offer their time & energy to do this sort of work, whether as paid or unpaid, formal or informal.

I have people now, who chose to make their working lives about supporting & caring for others, come & support & care for me,  & none have ever given me a hint of my being a burden, even those I've felt I didn't get along well with.

I can hear you are tired. I think some diversions into something you enjoy, something creative would be great. It could be art, or cooking a meal or several to freeze for the coming week, or rearranging your clothes, (I thinks that creative, too). Or get doing something physical, like exercise, walking outside, going to a park to walk. I am really beginning to feel my own regular exercise is helping my mood, so I am happy to suggest this. While I am outside or in the gym, while I am doing that I am not focusing on how my mood is, but I have to concentrate on what I'm doing. & there are people around to say "hello" to or to chat a little with, or birds to hear in the park.

You are worth making every effort you make to better yourself & your life.

Big hugzies

mmMekitty

[Centaured]

Thanks for the support everyone.  

It's been another tough day. I saw my psychiatrist today, and to be honest it wasn't a good session. He told me to 'just get over it' and 'move on'. 

To explain, I've deteriorated since my birthday, this is because the friend I invited over used me and sexually abused me. This incident has really upset me. 

The session with my psychiatrist made me angry, it hurt, how do you begin to move on from this. I know I need to put my past behind me, but, how? 

I've been doing a lot of self care this evening. I'm trying to manage without hurting myself.  I'm ok, I'm off to bed in a minute. Not harming is one small win after a chaotic stack of loses lately. 

[Sophie_M]

Dear Centaured,

Thank you for coming here to share with us tonight. We can hear your inner strength shining through in your last comment, and want you to remind you we are here for you 24/7 (1300 22 4636, or webchat here).

Also sending you a gentle reminder that 1800 Respect are also available for you any time you need to talk.

Sending you care and respect.

Warm regards,

Sophie M

[Bob_22]

Hi Centaured,

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. I'm so sorry about what happened on your birthday. I would definitely recommend contacting 1800respect asap. If you live in NSW there are also sexual assault services available which I would recommend visiting as they make everything including criminal matters much easier for survivors. 

Did you end up getting back on any medication i.e. the anti depressants? Unfortunately psychiatrists can be very blunt but still that is not an excuse. You can always ask to be referred to a different one if you prefer.

Glad you are doing some self care. What have you been doing? Keep it up.

Bob