Centaureds story. TW

[Centaured]

I feel like writing down some of my story might help me ease some of the pain in my head right now. Ive been on beyond blue for a while now and had a few different threads but haven't shared much of my story, or the reasons why I have developed DID.

Be mindful this post mentions different types of abuse.

On the outside my childhood looked normal. I had a mum, a dad, a brother, and some extended family. And although we weren't well off, my parents still owned their home and we had food on the table.But behind closed things were falling apart.

It starts at just 5. My dad was diagnosed with a serious brain tumour. It mainly effected his emotions and his body's ability to regulate itself. He was very sick, spent over 6 months in treatment. The drs got rid of his tumour but he was never the same, with serious brain damage and vision impaired.
My mum became physically abusive not being able manage, or lock us up for days. I don't know what was worse.
At 5 I also had a big operation in my abdomen and with things going on at home began my struggle with eating and thus I later developed an eating disorder but that is only a side note.

In the years following I had issues with my grandfather, he was always touchy but I vague memories of this slowly getting worse.

Then at 8-9 I was the product of incest. My brother would touch me, but in the later period this left to much more and rape. 

The next year my family moved states and I got away from grandfather and my brothers abuse stopped.

I would withdraw into fantasy and began to dissociate a lot.

Then High School came around and was difficult with very few friends and bullying and avoidance.
My mum had an affair when I was 13 and then left my dad. Forcing me and my brother to live week with her week with dad. It was very destabilizing.

Later on in school I became increasingly withdrawn, and began to self harm. My weight at this point was getting very low. By the end of high school my weight was critical and I made my first attempt.

Ive spent the next 11 years in and out of hospital, institutions, in various therapies, seen so many different professionals, struggling to come to the conclusion that I am not not what has happened to me

[Centaured]

Long story short I've been in the psych unit for nearly a week. 

Thing is I'm now super medically unwell. They drs think I'm septic. The nurses on the psych unit won't even give me panadol for my fever tho or pain relief. I'm over them, They think I'm making this stuff up.  But blood tests don't lie. 

I could die. I know I'm catastrophising it thinking I'm going to, but it totally feels like I am. Im in agony.

[smallwolf]

Hello.

It sounds like an overwhelming and upsetting time. And frustrating when others don't believe what you say.  You also mention that you recognise that you catastrophising, which is some way is a positive. I am not sure what else I can say. Except that I am listening to you, and if you want to chat about anything.....

[Centaured]

Thanks small wolf. I probably have to have surgery on my gallbladder in the next few days. That's what they think is causing it all. I just spoke with the surgical team and they're going to do some more scans. 

[Centaured]

I didn't end up needing surgery, they treated conservatively 

I really want to go home today. I am over this hospital and it's nurses. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

That positive Smallwolf mentioned is real. It is rare that a member has such insight into their own assessment of themselves, it's a gift. My only comment apart from that is that not all nurses or doctors are non compatible so I suggest treating all new one you come into contact with as a new face with different ideas and methods. Everyone deserves a chance. 

I hope you cope ok. Thankyou for joining us here.

TonyWK

[Lauren_87]

Hi Centaured,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It can be scary and upsetting when you feel others don't believe you and your symptoms. Is there anyone (a friend or family member) who is able to support and advocate for you?

I hope they get to the bottom of your illness, thinking of you.

[Centaured]

Trans day of visibility messed me up yesterday. I'm sick of the hate we trans get. 

Life is too hard and not worth it anymore 

[Centaured]

I thought of reaching out, we could take this slow
Hesitation turned to habit, never made the call
No branch to break my fall.
I’d have so much to tell you,

but I Drink ’till I can’t blink
And I fill my brain with holes
My voice is worse for wear
Because I lost my self control
I’ve lost my hope

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Centaured

I can really feel from your poetic words that you are in so much emotional pain right now. You are an expressive, insightful and deep person. You are courageous with everything you've been through. I just wanted to send some hope so you hopefully feel like there are still things to hope for.

I can hear how you felt affected by the trans day of visibility. It can be hard being in a world where it feels like people are not understanding you or judging you, and sometimes that comes up around issues of visibility. Is that something you can work through with your team?

I hope you are feeling better today. You are such a creative person in your art and in your writing. Sending you kindness and hope.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Centaured 

Some of the public discourse around trans visibility day was unfortunately unhelpful. And it’s maddening that those offensive views get attention.

But, I think they only get the attention because they aren’t the norm. Many many ordinary Australians don’t support that kind of negativity and are accepting of all people.

Your poem was very touching, although so very sad. I’m sorry that you have so much pain.

Kind thoughts to you💜