Centaureds story. TW

[Centaured]

I feel like writing down some of my story might help me ease some of the pain in my head right now. Ive been on beyond blue for a while now and had a few different threads but haven't shared much of my story, or the reasons why I have developed DID.

Be mindful this post mentions different types of abuse.

On the outside my childhood looked normal. I had a mum, a dad, a brother, and some extended family. And although we weren't well off, my parents still owned their home and we had food on the table.But behind closed things were falling apart.

It starts at just 5. My dad was diagnosed with a serious brain tumour. It mainly effected his emotions and his body's ability to regulate itself. He was very sick, spent over 6 months in treatment. The drs got rid of his tumour but he was never the same, with serious brain damage and vision impaired.
My mum became physically abusive not being able manage, or lock us up for days. I don't know what was worse.
At 5 I also had a big operation in my abdomen and with things going on at home began my struggle with eating and thus I later developed an eating disorder but that is only a side note.

In the years following I had issues with my grandfather, he was always touchy but I vague memories of this slowly getting worse.

Then at 8-9 I was the product of incest. My brother would touch me, but in the later period this left to much more and rape. 

The next year my family moved states and I got away from grandfather and my brothers abuse stopped.

I would withdraw into fantasy and began to dissociate a lot.

Then High School came around and was difficult with very few friends and bullying and avoidance.
My mum had an affair when I was 13 and then left my dad. Forcing me and my brother to live week with her week with dad. It was very destabilizing.

Later on in school I became increasingly withdrawn, and began to self harm. My weight at this point was getting very low. By the end of high school my weight was critical and I made my first attempt.

Ive spent the next 11 years in and out of hospital, institutions, in various therapies, seen so many different professionals, struggling to come to the conclusion that I am not not what has happened to me

[Centaured]

What's the Fking point anymore. I am desperately trying to fake it til I make it today. Bit the consensus in me today is on another goal. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Centaured

I feel for you struggling right now. I wonder if breaking things down into the smallest of steps is one way of approaching things. Perhaps something like just focusing on finishing the next painting. Not putting yourself under any pressure to do more or be more than you feel able right now. Just doing whatever small steps that help you to feel even just a little better. You don’t need to fake feeling or doing better than you actually are. I just wondered if working on a current painting, or think creatively and imaginatively about the next painting idea, is a small step towards easing some of the difficult stuff you’re going through.

I sometimes think of these kinds of things as strings of hope that pull us out of the worst times. For me something like looking at the wonder of the stars at night reminds me of why I want to be here and the things I love in the world. When I look at the stars the injured, tortured part of me inside starts to let go and I feel a kind of expansion and connection to life. I can see that connection to life in your painting.

Sending you love and kindness.

[Bob_22]

Hi Centaured,

I'm sorry it's taken me a while to get back to you. I've actually just joined an art therapy group as well and have been experimenting with water colours.

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been struggling and that you attempted to take your life again recently. How are things in the support home? Do you feel like things aren't going well at home?

Bob

[Centaured]

Hi everyone.  I've had a helish week since I last posted. I clinically died on Sunday and gave my support worker ptsd becauwe he had to give me cpr and stuff. and he's now quit. Things haven't been going well at home tbh. A few weeks ago I had to put in a formal complaint about the house leader verbally abusing me and how he has been treating me. And we had a few other staff members move on the week before. There has been a lot of instability with my housemate too. And this week we have been getting a bunch of new support workers so that is unsettling. 

I also have all these other stressors and triggers going on. For instance my step dad is about to die and I haven't seen him for about 3years due to him living in Europe. I miss him.  And I'm in the process of currently changing meds. It's been messing me up.  And the stuff I'm working with my psychologist is really hard. Every session is so intense. And to top it off alst session she said she thinks I have autism. I told my mum and she said that makes sense. I'm like why didn't you get that looked into when I was a kid then, another thing to hate mum about. 

[Summer Rose]

Hi Centaured

I’m glad that you are still here after what happened on Sunday, but I’m very concerned about you with all that you have on your plate right now.

I think you did the right thing to lodge a complaint about the treatment you experienced at home, and hope there is a speedy resolution to help improve your situation. Perhaps try to put that one out of your mind and let it play out. There’s no evidence yet that your complaint won’t be effectively resolved. Fingers crossed.

Sounds like there is a lot of change going on at home, which I know is hard particularly as it’s out of your control. I think sticking to your regular routine might help you to maintain a sense of normalcy.

I’m wondering if you could call or FaceTime with your stepdad? If that’s not possible, you might like to write him a letter and perhaps send a gift of art? I’m sure contact with you would be warmly received right now. You could also write down your feelings about him or start a painting in his honour—might help to ease your pain.

I can certainly understand that therapy is hard right now, along with changing meds. It’s my understanding that autism (especially high functioning) is often missed in young girls, as it can present quite differently than in young boys by comparison.  Perhaps your mother was poorly informed? Shame a teacher or your GP didn’t pick it up. Of course, this is assuming that your therapist is right. Does that kind of diagnosis make sense to you?

This is a really important time for you to go easy on yourself. With all that’s happening in your life, you wouldn’t be human if you weren’t a little off your best game. Cut yourself some slack. Eat well. Get lots of rest. And if you can, try to get some light exercise.

Kind thoughts to you 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Centaured

I’m glad you’re still here but so sorry you’re having such an extremely rough time. Summer Rose has given some really helpful advice. I just thought I’d add something from my own experience regarding the possibility of autism.

Firstly, as Summer Rose was saying, the psychologist may or may not be correct and it’s important for you to see what feels right in you from your own perspective. If it is correct it’s not a bad thing and it just means you’re part of the neurodiverse community.

More than a decade ago I began to suspect autism in myself based on multiple factors including extreme sensory sensitivity and autistic-type stimming behaviours since childhood. When I told my Mum her response was “I always thought you were”. Like you I felt why did she not address it back then and help me? Partly she was emotionally unavailable to support me and partly I think it was likely stigma around autism that she was scared of (I think I’m older than you and autism was treated very differently when I was a child to how it is now).

Eventually I got some counselling sessions with a woman who was diagnosed with autism herself (she died from cancer a few years ago). She also had a trauma history and was diagnosed with DID. What she helped me see was that I had some autistic traits but also that I had developmental complex trauma and that symptoms of that cross over. For example, the stimming behaviours I have can be a way of managing dissociation, and that made total sense in my case.

 I just mention this because she had been through horrendous trauma but she’d found creative ways of working through both the DID and challenges relating to autism. She channeled much of her experience, including how she sees the world, through her artwork, music and writing. She worked creatively with the different parts of herself, including the DID, and found ways to make sense of her world.

You are clearly creative Centaured, and whether or not you have some autism in the mix you have gifts and insights unique to who you are as an individual that are like your offering to the world. You are worthy of living a life where you get to connect with and express your gifts and who you are as a person.

[Bob_22]

Hi Centaured,

It certainly sounds like you're going through hell. It's very concerning that you had to receive cpr. Please reach out when you're having suicidal thoughts. I know it might seem futile sometimes, but it's much better to work through these thoughts with someone else. I know you're not comfortable with some of the support workers at the home so reach out here to the counsellors at bb when you need it: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor They would love to hear from you. Even if you're doing okay and need someone to chat to. 

I'm sorry to hear about your step dad. It is tough knowing someone close to us is about to pass. Do you feel you are able to bring this up with your psychologist? I know you mentioned that the sessions are getting intense but remember that you can dictate the pace of the sessions. They are for your benefit. You shouldn't have to explore something unless you are ready to do so. Please remember that. 

Please keep us updated and remember to reach out when you need it. 💙

Bob

[Centaured]

Can I just check out plz. 

[Centaured]

I'm so stressed. I submitted a document to management about the behaviours of a worker. They are calling me this afternoon.  

My step father has weeks month at most they saying. I can't talk to him because the cancer is progressing too much. 

Pain is shit. 

I'm tired. The situations and other stuff I can't mention are wearing me out. I'm not sleeping. I'm pretty much manic. I have withdrawals from the meds. 

I want out of life but I can't. I have to keep trying but I'm just so overwhelmed. 

[Centaured]

Thank you everyone for the comments I read them and dwell on them. I just don't have capacity to form a reply rn.