Centaureds story. TW

[Centaured]

I feel like writing down some of my story might help me ease some of the pain in my head right now. Ive been on beyond blue for a while now and had a few different threads but haven't shared much of my story, or the reasons why I have developed DID.

Be mindful this post mentions different types of abuse.

On the outside my childhood looked normal. I had a mum, a dad, a brother, and some extended family. And although we weren't well off, my parents still owned their home and we had food on the table.But behind closed things were falling apart.

It starts at just 5. My dad was diagnosed with a serious brain tumour. It mainly effected his emotions and his body's ability to regulate itself. He was very sick, spent over 6 months in treatment. The drs got rid of his tumour but he was never the same, with serious brain damage and vision impaired.
My mum became physically abusive not being able manage, or lock us up for days. I don't know what was worse.
At 5 I also had a big operation in my abdomen and with things going on at home began my struggle with eating and thus I later developed an eating disorder but that is only a side note.

In the years following I had issues with my grandfather, he was always touchy but I vague memories of this slowly getting worse.

Then at 8-9 I was the product of incest. My brother would touch me, but in the later period this left to much more and rape. 

The next year my family moved states and I got away from grandfather and my brothers abuse stopped.

I would withdraw into fantasy and began to dissociate a lot.

Then High School came around and was difficult with very few friends and bullying and avoidance.
My mum had an affair when I was 13 and then left my dad. Forcing me and my brother to live week with her week with dad. It was very destabilizing.

Later on in school I became increasingly withdrawn, and began to self harm. My weight at this point was getting very low. By the end of high school my weight was critical and I made my first attempt.

Ive spent the next 11 years in and out of hospital, institutions, in various therapies, seen so many different professionals, struggling to come to the conclusion that I am not not what has happened to me

[Centaured]

I already do a lot of art Summer Rose. My profile pic is one of my paintings. I paint Acrylic landscapes.

I wish we could share photos or our professional pages here then you could see more of my work. 

I want to make it my full time career. My next little goal after I turn thirty in April and go on holidays is to work towards making a stall in my local market and see how successful it would be.

[Bob_22]

Hi Centaured,

Hope things are okay and that you're back home now. A market stall sounds great. People pay a lot for good landscapes these days. Especially large framed ones. Please pursue your passion. Your profile pic looks photorealistic.  

Bob

[Summer Rose]

Hi Centaured and Bob

I love your profile pic, Centaured. So much talent!

I really love the idea of a market stall, too. I can imagine you being really successful at that.

I would love to see more of your art.

Kind thoughts to you both

[Bob_22]

Thanks Summer Rose,

Hope you're well. You can private message by clicking the message icon at the top right of the screen next to the search icon. You then just click the pen and paper icon on top of the inbox. Hope that helps.

Bob

[Centaured]

Hi Bob. I can't message because I'm a normal user. M

y page is just professional Facebook and instagram pages so not really appropriate anyway.  I'm thinking of eventually designing a website. But that's later down the track. 

I'm off to an art group today I'm nearly finished the one I'm doing there. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Centaured

I just wanted to say I love the art in your profile pic. You have a real gift. It looks a lot like a place I go to regularly near where I live, especially the rocks. I love the textures and patterns in the water. I do photography and one of the things I love to capture are the swirly patterns that form on the surface of water reflecting colours from the clouds and sky. This can be really nice just after sunrise or before sunset or when it’s a bit overcast so there’s not too much contrast.

 I hope you enjoyed your art group today. 
Best wishes,

ER

[Summer Rose]

Hi Centaured

Very happy to hear about your art class. Enjoy!

Kind thoughts to you 

[Centaured]

Thank you Eagle Ray. And everyone else. 

Art is one of the few things that keeps me stable. It's always been a passion of mine and I'm getting into the habit of doing it more regularly now. I once sold one to the minister of health in Tasmania. That was my biggest achievement with my artwork. And I hope to continue to take it further. And make a regular income and job out of it. 

I have had a bad week this week. I got severely triggered after art group and absconded from home and attempted to end my life. I woke up in hospital and spent all day yesterday sleeping and recovering. I saw my psychiatrist today and I feel like a failure. No one knows what to do with me or how to help. I feel stuck.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Centaured

That’s a wonderful achievement selling your art work to the Tasmanian minister of health! I really hope you get to go forward with your art and make a regular income from it.

There is something called Self Employment Assistance which used to be called the New Enterprise Incentive Scheme. That could be one possible avenue that could potentially support you developing a business. But sometimes it’s most empowering to go your own way too, developing your business idea in your own time and own unique way. It’s good to have those dreams and it’s clear you are very talented.

I can really hear two parts of you struggling right now, the one that isn’t wanting to keep going and the other that really does and wants to pursue your art. I’ve been struggling with these two parts recently too. I don’t think I’ve had as hard a time as you, but I kind of realised that the part of me that doesn’t want to be here wants suffering to end, and the part that wants to keep going also wants suffering to end. So I’ve been working on getting these two parts of myself to reconcile, retain hope and continue.

 I’m wondering if there is someone in your team who could really help nurture your creative side? It would be great to have an art mentor or just someone who could help guide you towards your creative goals. I feel your art is a soulful thing and you are a soulful person, and it’s soulful stuff that connects us at a heart and soul level that is most healing for us as humans.

It’s like we can have the right ingredients to heal but sometimes just need some of the right kind of support from one or more others who are getting and understanding us to really begin to heal.

 I can see beautiful spirit and soulfulness in you and your art 🙏

[Summer Rose]

Hi Centaured 

I found it really sad to hear you say that you feel like a failure. Nothing could be further from the truth.

There is an enormous difference between being unwell and being a failure. I can’t imagine that anyone would describe, for example, a cancer patient not responding as hoped to radiation treatment as a failure. It wouldn’t happen, the specialists would move on to the next therapy accepting that their first line treatment had failed.

I don’t believe you are failure, I believe the treatments offered to you have not been effective, at least not yet.

I have two thoughts that may help. I’m wondering if you think your alters may be impacting the apparent conflict between your desire to live and your desire to go? Maybe this is an area to explore.

My second thought is that a thorough review of your medication and treatment plan and responses by a third party might help, especially if your current team are struggling.

Congrats on making such a significant sale of your work. I’m sure there will be many more to follow!

Kind thoughts to you