Centaureds story. TW

[Centaured]

I feel like writing down some of my story might help me ease some of the pain in my head right now. Ive been on beyond blue for a while now and had a few different threads but haven't shared much of my story, or the reasons why I have developed DID.

Be mindful this post mentions different types of abuse.

On the outside my childhood looked normal. I had a mum, a dad, a brother, and some extended family. And although we weren't well off, my parents still owned their home and we had food on the table.But behind closed things were falling apart.

It starts at just 5. My dad was diagnosed with a serious brain tumour. It mainly effected his emotions and his body's ability to regulate itself. He was very sick, spent over 6 months in treatment. The drs got rid of his tumour but he was never the same, with serious brain damage and vision impaired.
My mum became physically abusive not being able manage, or lock us up for days. I don't know what was worse.
At 5 I also had a big operation in my abdomen and with things going on at home began my struggle with eating and thus I later developed an eating disorder but that is only a side note.

In the years following I had issues with my grandfather, he was always touchy but I vague memories of this slowly getting worse.

Then at 8-9 I was the product of incest. My brother would touch me, but in the later period this left to much more and rape. 

The next year my family moved states and I got away from grandfather and my brothers abuse stopped.

I would withdraw into fantasy and began to dissociate a lot.

Then High School came around and was difficult with very few friends and bullying and avoidance.
My mum had an affair when I was 13 and then left my dad. Forcing me and my brother to live week with her week with dad. It was very destabilizing.

Later on in school I became increasingly withdrawn, and began to self harm. My weight at this point was getting very low. By the end of high school my weight was critical and I made my first attempt.

Ive spent the next 11 years in and out of hospital, institutions, in various therapies, seen so many different professionals, struggling to come to the conclusion that I am not not what has happened to me

[Bob_22]

Hi Centaured,

It can be hard, if not impossible, to see the light at the tunnel when we are at our worst. You are very strong and have been through a lot. It is only a matter of time until the fruits of your labour are ready for harvest. Keep digging and I'm sure you will get there. It might be good to do your best to stay occupied during this crisis. What kinds of things do you enjoy doing that you think you could do at the moment? I like to play video games, watch trashy reality tv, go to the gym, go for a drive as low effort distraction.

Bob

Bob

[Summer Rose]

Hi Centaured 

We haven’t heard from you in awhile and I’m concerned about you. How are things going?

Kind thoughts to you

[Centaured]

Life. What's the point. Really, my existence is futile. 

Everything I touch I destroy. Including myself.

Those around me get hurt or they leave. Or both. 

I shouldn't be here anymore. I'm pissed off with the amount of times I have failed it. Why bother with anything else but making it work. 

[Centaured]

I wish 'help' actually helped. I'm supposed to be seeing my psychologist today and psychiatrist tomorrow. But seriously why bother. I'll still come up with the conclusion I need to die before the end the week. 

On the weekend I nearly died, was close to being induced into a coma again. As soon as I was medically cleared the psych at the hospital just discharged me home, saying there is nothing they can do to help with someone like me. 

Saturday was an anniversary of a violent attack and sexual assault that occurred 4 years ago. I can't deal with those memories in my head on top of everything else.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Centaured, 
 
Thank you for sharing your story here. And thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. We can hear how difficult things have been recently, but we think sharing this here is an amazing action to have taken.  
 
We’ve reached out to you privately to check in and thank you for sharing with the community here. We can hear you have a team around who you've been able to talk to, but just so that you're aware we're here if you ever need someone to talk to. Our lovely counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 and online, and if you ever feel unsafe or unable to avoid acting on thoughts of suicide or self-harm, the number to call is 000. 
 
We’re sure we’ll hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community. Thanks again for sharing. It’s so good that you’ve been able to share your experience, and that you've been able to open up to the team around you. It’s a powerful and brave step, and you never know who might be reading this and feeling less alone because of it.  
 
Kind regards, 
 
Sophie M 

[Summer Rose]

Hi Centaured

It's great to hear from you and a relief to know that you are still with us.

I'm so sorry for the late reply.  I think I've told you that I don't get notifications about new posts on threads, it's incredibly frustrating.  I have been looking for posts from you but I must have missed them.  I feel awful about that, lovely.

Please know that you have not "destroyed" me and I'm not leaving.  You have taught me valuable lessons about real courage and I feel a connection with you.  I wish there was more that I could do to help you and protect you.  But know this, you matter and you're a cherished member of our community.

The psych you spoke to at the hospital was wrong.  There is hope for you to live your best life because hope never dies, it's inside you and part of your tender human spirit.

I love these words by Emily Dickinson, "Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door." Please try to go to the appointments tomorrow with an open mind because you don't know what's behind those doors.

Kind thoughts to you

[Bob_22]

Hi Centaured,

Sorry to hear about your pain. It seems like you're suffering alot. Is there anything that makes it even slightly easier?

It won't always be this way. Trust me. 

Bob 💙

[Summer Rose]

Hey Centaured

Thinking if you. Hoping the appointments went well and that today is a better day.

Kind thoughts to you

[Centaured]

I managed to get through the week last week. My psychologist was really intense. I felt really unsafe and ended up in ed overnight to get to my psychiatrist.  He really challenged me to figure out what I actually want coz he said said he can't help if I just want to die. 

It got me thinking. My dream is to be an artist. I want to show the world something and that beauty exists. And I guess I have to accept beauty exists in myself. 

I kinda ran away from my care home yesterday though. Hurt myself pretty badly and spent a while getting medical attention at the hospital.  I seeing my ndis behaviour worker today. Maybe she'll help me figure something out. 

[Summer Rose]

Hi Centaured

Sounds like you’ve had a bit of a roller coaster ride. Sorry to hear about the lows, I imagine they left you feeling raw and exhausted.

On the other hand, so excited to hear about your art epiphany.
My daughter who has anxiety and OCD channels a lot of her pain and joy through art and her work is amazing. She even got one of her pieces shown in an online art gallery. 
There is so much opportunity for you to blossom and achieve in this space. And art is such a lovely gift to share with others.
I really want to encourage you to follow this dream. What medium would you like to work in? What style? So much to think about!!!

Kind thoughts to you