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Centaureds story. TW

Centaured
Community Member

I feel like writing down some of my story might help me ease some of the pain in my head right now. Ive been on beyond blue for a while now and had a few different threads but haven't shared much of my story, or the reasons why I have developed DID.

 

Be mindful this post mentions different types of abuse.

 

On the outside my childhood looked normal. I had a mum, a dad, a brother, and some extended family. And although we weren't well off, my parents still owned their home and we had food on the table.But behind closed things were falling apart.

It starts at just 5. My dad was diagnosed with a serious brain tumour. It mainly effected his emotions and his body's ability to regulate itself. He was very sick, spent over 6 months in treatment. The drs got rid of his tumour but he was never the same, with serious brain damage and vision impaired.
My mum became physically abusive not being able manage, or lock us up for days. I don't know what was worse.
At 5 I also had a big operation in my abdomen and with things going on at home began my struggle with eating and thus I later developed an eating disorder but that is only a side note.

In the years following I had issues with my grandfather, he was always touchy but I vague memories of this slowly getting worse.

Then at 8-9 I was the product of incest. My brother would touch me, but in the later period this left to much more and rape. 

The next year my family moved states and I got away from grandfather and my brothers abuse stopped.

I would withdraw into fantasy and began to dissociate a lot.

Then High School came around and was difficult with very few friends and bullying and avoidance.
My mum had an affair when I was 13 and then left my dad. Forcing me and my brother to live week with her week with dad. It was very destabilizing.

Later on in school I became increasingly withdrawn, and began to self harm. My weight at this point was getting very low. By the end of high school my weight was critical and I made my first attempt.

Ive spent the next 11 years in and out of hospital, institutions, in various therapies, seen so many different professionals, struggling to come to the conclusion that I am not not what has happened to me

262 Replies 262

Centaured
Community Member

I have support workers 24/7 now. most of them are really good. 

 

Tonight I'm struggling a bit though. I can't sleep or focus on any of my coping techniques. I've been trying to manage without having to wake up the workers but idk. It's only a few more hours til I have to get up anyway. I think I can do this. 

I can't do this right now. I'm sick of everything. 

I feel so selfish....after coming so close less than 4 weeks ago those thoughts are in my mind again. I'm too scared to tell anyone now though. I don't want to go back to hospital. I don't want any of this. I'm tired of it all. 

Bob_22
Community Member

Hi Centaured,

 

I'm sorry to hear that you feel you are slipping back but please don't be so hard on yourself. That is completely normal after a lengthy hospital admission and being jerked into a new environment. Also, please don't feel you are being selfish. It is always best that you reach out. That is what your support team is there for, so that they might help you now before things worsen even more. Like I said, it is always a struggle going from a supportive hospital environment back into the community. I've had this a few times and got worried that all my hard work was undone. Let us know how you go. 💙

 

Bob

Summer Rose
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Centaured

I hope that you’ve been able to rest and recover better since your last post. Middle of the night is a terrible time to deal with difficult thoughts—I’ve been there. I always try to remember that the sun will come up soon and bring with it a fresh start.

Kind thoughts to you

 

 

This song from avalanche effect is mood rn...

"It's the pain I feel inside,

It's all I'm hiding from, it's the enemy.

It's the pain I feel inside,

But I can't make it up to you, no I can't make it through."

 

It's been a rough few days. Tonight is bad..my carers kinda want to send me to hospital.  I'm really reluctant though. 

Everything just hurts, I don't know if I even want to bother making it through anymore. 

Hi Centaured

I’m sorry that things are so challenging for you right now. Please, try to remember that it won’t always be this way. 
Is there anything that brings you comfort when you feel this way? Perhaps music? Journaling? Colouring? I’m sure your support team will do everything they can to assist you. Don’t be afraid to ask for help that’s why they’re there.

Kind thoughts to you

Bob_22
Community Member

Hi Centaured,

 

Thanks for the update. I'm sorry to hear that it's been a rough few days. As Summer rose mentioned, don't be afraid to reach out if you need to. Perhaps something to raise at your next doctor's appointment. Will that be soon? Please take care of yourself.

 

Bob

Centaured
Community Member

Thanks for the support to the both of you. I really appreciate it. 

 

On Sunday I had another serious attempt. I have been feeling so at risk lately. I saw my psychologist yesterday and it helped a little. I see my behavioural Practionor on Monday to work on this, I guess I have to try to get through til then. It's been really hard to adjust to having 24/7 care after where I used to live. The support from the carer's has been really helpful but I can't help but disassociating sometimes and can't communicate with them. I feel trapped inside a body that shouldn't exist. The core personality is taking a break atm and I'm here giving them that. I don't want to be here though, I feel like running away. I can't run away from Us though. We have a consensus that Red never should have existed and needs to die, but we know we can't and that really hurts. I feel scared of what the core will do when they retake control. But for now all I can do is focus on what i can do now and use the strategies my team has given me to cope. I guess I have to keep on trying. 

Bob_22
Community Member

Hi Centaured,

 

Thanks for the update. I can't imagine what its like. In the past when I was in the deepest of my depression I used to always wonder how I was going to get through this with so little strength and so little hope. It's been a long a hard fight but for me it came down to letting the professionals around me do their work and letting my mind heal after significant trauma. I'm not sure if that helps at all but I just wanted to give you a bit of background with my story as well. 💙

 

Bob