Centaureds story. TW

Centaured · ‎26-08-2022

I feel like writing down some of my story might help me ease some of the pain in my head right now. Ive been on beyond blue for a while now and had a few different threads but haven't shared much of my story, or the reasons why I have developed DID.

Be mindful this post mentions different types of abuse.

On the outside my childhood looked normal. I had a mum, a dad, a brother, and some extended family. And although we weren't well off, my parents still owned their home and we had food on the table.But behind closed things were falling apart.

It starts at just 5. My dad was diagnosed with a serious brain tumour. It mainly effected his emotions and his body's ability to regulate itself. He was very sick, spent over 6 months in treatment. The drs got rid of his tumour but he was never the same, with serious brain damage and vision impaired.
My mum became physically abusive not being able manage, or lock us up for days. I don't know what was worse.
At 5 I also had a big operation in my abdomen and with things going on at home began my struggle with eating and thus I later developed an eating disorder but that is only a side note.

In the years following I had issues with my grandfather, he was always touchy but I vague memories of this slowly getting worse.

Then at 8-9 I was the product of incest. My brother would touch me, but in the later period this left to much more and rape.

The next year my family moved states and I got away from grandfather and my brothers abuse stopped.

I would withdraw into fantasy and began to dissociate a lot.

Then High School came around and was difficult with very few friends and bullying and avoidance.
My mum had an affair when I was 13 and then left my dad. Forcing me and my brother to live week with her week with dad. It was very destabilizing.

Later on in school I became increasingly withdrawn, and began to self harm. My weight at this point was getting very low. By the end of high school my weight was critical and I made my first attempt.

Ive spent the next 11 years in and out of hospital, institutions, in various therapies, seen so many different professionals, struggling to come to the conclusion that I am not not what has happened to me

Summer Rose · ‎27-10-2022

Hi Centaured

I’m so proud of the way you are trying to regain a sense of stability. You are amazing and doing “everything right”. You are enough, just the way you are.

I don’t have all the answers (wish I did) but I am here and listening.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Kind thoughts to you

Bob_22 · ‎28-10-2022

Hi Centaured,

I'm sorry to hear you spent another night at hospital. I can imagine you must feel exhausted with all these admissions. I hope that your move goes well and is the start of a new chapter. It will be important though to stay vigilant with your mental health and in touch with your team. Please update us on how you go next week. You're in my thoughts. 💙

Bob

Centaured · ‎31-10-2022

I had a really intense week. But I'm here.

I move this morning. I'm both excited and apprehensive. I haven't lived in accommodation like this before and a bit scared, I hurt myself pretty bad yesterday and don't know how they'll respond among other things. It's a positive things moving into SIL accommodation, there will be people and staff around 24/7, but I'm also scared of living with people in my face like when I get I can't be around people and I hide in cramped dark places and I don't know how staff will treat the dissociation.

There's so many unknowns that I'm really anxious about. But I'm overthinking it. It's going to be good and in a lovely area, and there's a therapy dog that comes around fortnightly for cuddles so that's cool.

Summer Rose · ‎31-10-2022

Hi Centaured

Woo-hoo! Moving day has arrived and you’re feeling up to it—amazing achievement. Well done.

I think it’s only natural for you to have some worries about the shift. Moving is one of the most stressful events we humans undertake. You are not alone.
Stay positive and try to remember that it may take time to settle in. And remember it doesn’t need to be perfect on day one because over time you will make it your home.

The visiting dog is a very special benefit. I have always shared my life with a dog and couldn’t live without one. Enjoy every cuddle and all the unconditional love!

I need to let you know that I’m experiencing some technical issues with this site. If I don’t respond in future, please know that it’s not because I don’t want to, it’s because I may not be able to find this thread again. I’m working on finding a solution.

Kind thoughts to you

Bob_22 · ‎03-11-2022

Hi Centaured,

Thanks for the update. Congratulations on the move, it really does sound like a positive thing and a great change for you. Think of it as opening a new chapter in your life. Please keep us updated on how the move goes and let us know any concerns you have or supports you need. 💙

Bob

Centaured · ‎10-11-2022

The last week and a half have been interesting. I love the place but I'm struggling to settle. I don't know how to tell the workers when I'm not ok or disassociated. I have hurt myself a few times due to this. Communication is too hard. I feel like I'm always needing to act and pretend I'm fine and someone else just so they don't worry or say I'm too much to handle.

I can't keep doing this. They took away possible SH tools and I can't cope with that. I know they're just trying to keep me safe but it's hard. I'm curled on my bedroom floor nearly crying coz I can't sh and I don't even know why.

I hate my life, I'm so tired.

Summer Rose · ‎11-11-2022

Hi Centaured

I know you’re tired. I really get that. It’s really tough climbing mountains each day.

You should be so proud of yourself for so many things. You got there, my friend. Against all odds you made the move. And it was a good decision as you love it.

Your insight is fantastic, you’ve identified that communication is the issue and that the issue needs to be addressed. You are almost there.

Couple of ideas. Is there a peer support worker at the residence that you could confide in? It’s entirely possible that your fears about how the staff could react aren’t necessary. In fact, I’m betting that understanding and meeting your needs is important to the staff. We just need to find a way to let them in to help.
If that’s not an option perhaps you could speak with a member of your medical team and ask one of them to help you with communicating. Ask them to take some of the load.

Or, perhaps it would be easier to write the staff a letter?

Try to remember that many people—if not all—would go through a settling in period, just like you. The staff have experience and knowledge with this transition and you will not be the first or the last person to need some assistance.

Hang in there x

Centaured · ‎11-11-2022

Yesterday I messed it all up. Then ended in ED most of the night with medical attention. I'm so tired of trying rn. Im also sick from constantly needing medical attention, my iron and blood counts are severely low. It's great (sarcasm intended).

I don't the staff member on today, I've had them a few times and I really don't like them. Im sure I'll have to deal with management about what happened yesterday, which could be ok if I'm able to tell them that the worker that's on today and was also on last night I don't get on with. I felt so shit in my stomach when he told me he'll be on again today.

I don't want life rn. I'm tired of trying at the moment. I'm supposed to be going to card event this weekend but idk.

Centaured · ‎11-11-2022

Thought this day couldn't get worse....but just found out a close mate of mine die early hours this morning.

Centaured · ‎11-11-2022

I'm really struggling tonight. I miss my mate. I can't be strong anymore.