Can’t feel anything 2 years after trauma

[AdriftAnnie]

Hi,

I’ve posted on these forums a few times about being violently assaulted by my husband, one afternoon 2 years ago. Since then I’ve tried medication and therapy. They were somewhat helpful, until they weren’t anymore. Mostly I just cope by not thinking about it. I have no feelings about it really, but the trouble is I have no feelings about anything else either. I have young children so this is problematic.

If my children cry I will comfort them because I know that is what they want, but I don’t feel anything when they cry anymore. I feel defective and broken. I feel like I’m not a real mother. I take care of their needs, but the connection isn’t there. I’m not really interested in life or the future. I don’t care about anything. I used to be so close to my family, but I just feel disconnected from everyone now ... and not because of the social distancing rules. I have felt this way for at least a year.

Is this normal after a traumatic experience? Should emotional numbing really last this long? Does anyone have any idea what I can do? I feel lost.

[White_Rose]

Hello Annie

Yes please go to your GP. Do not wait until the pandemic is over as this may not be for some time. I saw my GP this morning and I was the only patient there. In and out in record time. The waiting room chairs are placed the mandatory distance apart and everyone is expected to use the antiseptic hand-wash as they enter. I think all doctors' practices are doing this or similar. It's amazing how shops and medical practices etc have barriers across the reception counter and just about everyone conforms with where to stand etc.

It's not just your husbands actions you cannot control. Your family come into this category as well. What they think is right and proper may not be the best for you. It doesn't help they feel they must lie to others about you when it would be more constructive to listen to what is happening to you and offer you help such as a refuge for you and your children.

I have read a bit about abused wives and why they stay in an abusive relationship. Why they even support their husbands when others are saying they should not do this. As I understand it the more a woman is abused the more they lose their self confidence and cannot make decisions. You want to make sure your children have a home to live in and this is part of the reason for staying. Having or not having the confidence to provide a home and food on the table. Where do you start to learn these things?

As the woman are continually abused their ability to stand up for themselves decreases. Even those women who do leave the home have returned because they cannot cope 'out there'. My first few years on my own were horrendous and I had no dependent children and had a good job.

This is why I think you need to talk to your GP soon and get a referral to someone who has specific interest in domestic abuse. While most people understand that DV is dreadful they have little or no idea of the effect on wives and the children who observe this abuse. The children are just as much at risk of trauma as their moms.

Please look at some web sites on DV. https://www.lifeline.org.au/get-help/topics/domestic-family-violence Also look at https://www.qld.gov.au/community/getting-support-health-social-issue/support-victims-abuse/domestic-... This is a Qld service but if you live in another state google DV + your state. Just copy and paste the addresses into your browser.

Mary

[Guest_1643]

Hi Mary and Annie,

I agree very much with Mary that your actions are not weak. I think that is victim-blaming. If it were so easy to leave , you would've left, I've no doubt there were complicated and confusing factors that had you stay. Trauma did the same to me in another form - I'd constantly seek out abusive partners. I did not realise I was doing this. I thought because I noticed superficial differences in the men, that they were each time "different" and "not like the others" - and lo and behold, the same thing would keep happening. I felt so much self-hatred and blame. But I now feel that the best thing I could've done is seen myself as a victim and loved myself harder and with more kindness. I was trying the best way I knew how. So were you.

As you keep evolving and growing and learning, you will be able to make new choices, as a new person, with new knowledge. I do not think your past choices make you weak. Please try and go to the gp, if you can.

[AdriftAnnie]

Thank you Mary. That is good advice. I have seen a counsellor who deals only with DV victims. She was a lovely lady who was so gentle with me and never made me feel guilty about decisions I’ve made. They ran a playgroup as well which I attended with my youngest and that too was really affirmative. That was some time ago though and well before my husband moved back in. I can get back in touch anytime and it is a free service but honestly I feel ashamed that he is back home and I also worry about FACS becoming involved again. Our children weren’t present on the day of the assault, but I can understand how my ability to keep them safe was scrutinised. It was a very stressful time in my life and still causes me anxiety to this day. The kicker was that my husband wasn’t interviewed once by them. Just me. I had to prove over a series of months that I was a suitable parent. It was demoralising to say the least. Because of that experience I still live in worry about having them taken from me. Of not being good enough.

Thank you again for your advice. I know it’s probably frustrating to provide so many solutions and just get excuses from me for why I can’t go through with any of them. I’m really sorry. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time on here, but I want you to know that just knowing you have read my posts and responded so thoughtfully is very helpful to me. So thank you.

Annie

[AdriftAnnie]

Thank you so much for your post. It means a lot to know that people care enough to respond and provide support. It helps to know that others have been through something similar. It is a long road, but slowly I feel like I am returning to who I used to be.

All the best to you on your journey too.

Annie

[Sophie_M]

Hi AdriftAnnie,

It's wonderful to see that you are finding some support in some of our lovely community members. We are so glad to hear that the forums are helpful for you. Please don't feel any pressure to enact solutions that people have offered. You are the expert of your own life, and none of us can pretend to know best, only do our best to think of some options that might be helpful for you.

It sounds like the counsellor you had was really positive for you. We would strongly recommend that you get in touch with the lovely lady again - remember that you also said that she never made you feel guilty for the decisions that you made. It sounds like she would not want you to feel ashamed that your husband is back home. Services like these are so happy to bring some positivity and support into your life - the last thing anyone would want is to make you feel ashamed. 

This counsellor would be familiar with your case and is probably also the best person to talk to about your concerns with FACS. We're so sorry to hear that you went through that - we can understand why this would be really concerning for you. Please know that you are good enough, and you sound like a very loving mother.

Feel free to keep us updated on what you're thinking and feeling whenever you up to it. You're a valuable member of our online community and we care about what you're going through.