Broken - My father abused my daughter

[Mike47]

2 years ago my adult daughter revealed she had been sexually abused by my father from 8 to 15. Our world fell apart. My poor daughter! My immediate and ongoing attention has been to ensure that she is ok. I am pleased to say she is doing well with the love & support of family + trauma counselling.

I feel broken - not just heartbroken, but completely broken. I was so angry, sad, guilty & grieving my daughter's trauma & the loss of a close relationship with my dad. One of the hardest conversations I ever had was to tell my Mum what had happened.

I love my children dearly. They + my wife are my life. I have always tried to be the best Dad I could. But I had failed my daughter 7 had allowed the abuse to go on. It was my job to protect her - that I did not know is not the point. I failed her when she needed me & she was not able to let me know.

On 4 Jan I contemplated ending my life. I will always remember that day with a sense of shame & despair. I was alone. I sat for more than an hour going through the way out. What stopped me was realising that it would have been the ultimate selfish act. I would have added that burden to the rest of the family & I could not do that.

Checking in regularly with my daughter has helped as I see she is going well. But I feel like a coward as I struggle to discuss this properly with my wife and family. We get on with the day to day but we know there are other triggers coming that we are not prepared for.

Now my daughter will soon have a baby of her own. Whilst this is a joyous milestone, I am again wracked with guilt & sadness. This baby will be welcomed into a loving family & will be our first Grandchild. But I can't help feeling sad that my Mum & Dad won't be able to see their first Great Grandchild. I wonder what emotions this will bring for my daughter and for my wife. I know this is always looming like a shadow cast over everything.

We have a great relationship and I always check in to ensure that my daughter is doing well - which she is. I am so fortunate to have them and my other now adult children all close with my wife 7myself. We have a lot to be thankful for. I am so very lucky in many ways.

But I remain broken. I remain sad - every day. I grieve what we thought we had. I am guilty for failing my family. I get through each day, week, month. But I constantly look to these milestones with dread & deep regret that the most wonderful moments are forever tainted by my failure to protect my daughter.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Mike47,

Welcome - thank you so much for reaching out here tonight. It sounds like it has been a turbulent two years for your family, and we are so sorry to hear that this occured. 

It seems like you have been a wonderful support to your daughter since you have found out about the abuse, and for this we hope you can find a sense of pride. It is also great to hear that she has been engaging in trauma support.

However, this revelation is clearly something that has had a big impact on your life. Your relationship with your parents, how you feel about yourself as a father - these are really significant things, and have led to you at some point considering suicide which is really concerning. Can we ask if you have at any point sought some mental health support for yourself? If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

Thanks again for reaching out here. Hopefully a few of our members will be by over the next few days to welcome you. In the meantime, you might be interested in getting to know our community by looking through some recent threads. 

[james1]

Hello Mike47,

I am so sorry to hear about what your daughter in particular, but also the wider family have gone through. I am glad to hear she has the support she needs through counselling and family, and you sound like a wonderful father. Unfortunately, some people do bad things and there's nothing we can do - it sounds like you've really tried to step up since you found out.

But I'm concerned about how this has impacted you in the long term. You mention feeling broken and sad, and I can really hear how devastated you feel that you couldn't do better as a father. It sounds like this is something that is following you through life now, and is marring the different milestones that should really be cause for happiness.

May I ask if you have also sought any help for yourself? Just because your daughter was the direct victim doesn't mean those who care about her aren't also victims and suffer for what the perpetrator did. Have you spoken with anybody about how you feel?

James

[Mike47]

Thank you Sophie and James for your responses.

I was fortunate to get some counselling 2 days after finding out what had happened to my daughter. It helped a great deal to put things into perspective & find ways to deal with the new reality.I had about 15 sessions with that counsellor over the next 6 months & it made it easier to navigate into life.

One thing that has been difficult is that my wife has also suffered shock and very deep feelings about what has happened. She has so far rejected any counselling for herself. We support each other & are as close as ever, but we only talk in basic terms about this situation as I know it hurts her. My father is dead to her - which I understand. She sees this as far more black and white than I can do. My wife also has to deal with a lot as a carer for her father since he had a stroke - which happened just 2 months before we found out about my father.
In some way we feel as though we lost both our fathers in quick succession (for very different reasons) but nobody really understands this as both of our fathers are still alive. Our grief for this is very private - it is difficult to share this with others.

I stopped my counselling after a while as I felt I needed to get on with life. In some ways that was the right thing for me, but there is rarely a day that I do not feel sad about this in some way. I have just moved through each day, week, month..

From early in the counselling as I was processing the situation I dreaded dealing with the significant milestones. We always considered ourselves so lucky as our 2 families became 1 family over 30 years of milestones and events. Now this would no longer be possible.

We have our grandchild arriving soon and later this year my other daughter will get married. My Son turns 18 in between.... and my father turns 80.
2021 should have been one of the most amazing of our lives. I know that the special events for our children will still be wonderful - but there is always the shadow of dealing with the situation.

I am so thankful that my daughter is well. I need to reconcile all of this and ensure that keep her wellbeing first and foremost in my priority.

I have today reached out to the counsellor that I previously worked with - unfortunately she has since moved far away. We spoke briefly & I am trying now to either arrange a phone session with her or else find someone new in my area. I'm not sure if the history with her or getting a fresh perspective will be better.

[james1]

Hello Mike47,

Sorry about the delay in my response.

I'm glad to hear you were able to have some sessions with the counsellor early on. It's a shame she has moved away since, but I hope you are able to arrange a phone session with her, otherwise finding someone new sounds like it could be a good alternative to at least have someone to help support you through this while your wife also tries to manage her own grief. There's been so much on your family that having some outside help could really just lighten some of that emotional burden you're all carrying.

From what I understand, there's a lot of grief not just for what happened to your daughter, but also for the loss of the joint family you'd built up. I can barely fathom what it feels like for you to have 30 years of milestones and events undone. It sounds absolutely heartbreaking to lose, and I hope your family can find a way to move forward without the shadow of the situation hanging over future events and milestones.

Keep it up Mike47. It's so tough and I hope you can find some help again with a counsellor, because you sound like you're doing the best you can as a father and husband, and son to your near-80 year old father. The family may have been changed, perhaps permanently, but it doesn't mean you don't still have this family around you who clearly care a lot for each other.

James

[geoff]

Hello Mike, I had replied to your comment a few days ago and I'm sorry it hasn't appeared but will get back to you.

Geoff.

[geoff]

Hello Mike, you can not blame yourself for something you didn't know was happening, so please don't, you love your daughter and now she's soon about to have a baby, that would just be wonderful for both you and your wife as she is moving forward, let this young child be the pinnacle of your growth, it's terrible in what happened, but the best part is your daughter has been able to produce a baby, which you and your wife will have plenty of time to babysit.

If you keep reminiscing about the past, you won't be able to grow with the baby, I remember walking with my young granddaughter down the street with her holding onto one finger, that was something I'll never forget.

Take photos of them and develop an album full of photos, when they have food all over their face and when they're all dressed up, you will love going through this album later on in life.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Mike47]

Thank you for your kind thoughts Geoff. A lot of the time I do think of those positives and I can't wait to have the joy of our first Grandchild in our lives. Your memories of walking with your granddaughter are certainly what i remember with ou children and something I am very much looking forward to with our grandchildren.

I wish I could just wipe away the stain of everything else so that I did not dwell. It is not only the past that I think about and mourn. It is also what is lost in those relationships moving forward. Each milestone feels like another wall to get past. The bigger the milestone the bigger the wall. I can feel that heavily on my shoulders as I try to shelter my family from the issues and look as though everything is wonderful. Underneath I am battling the undertow that keeps me in its grip.

Thank you for your kindness.

[Mike47]

Thank you again James.