Alcohol, burns, death, abandonment, homelessness, pain, divorce- healed- but cannot forgive myself.

[Nez]

Yep- 18 months ago was clinically dead 3 times on the slab because of horrific burns because of booze+ciggie+blackout. My family disowned me from that moment. Ended up homeless - should have died again, mix of post hospital booze and hospital drugs used over 3 months for pain etc had fried my brain. Then came being stalked, threatened, robbed numerous times, fleeced of money, pain (burns), major depression, divorce, post burns treatment (sore),my dad died when I was in a coma, PTSD and a lot of other stuff. A year sober, depression under control- I do not take any pain relief, my brain is working better than ever, in a safe place housing wise, burns treatment okay. I miss my 2 adult sons heaps. They do not speak with me- despite me trying. I am alone. Divorce- I accepted the ex's demands without argument. So all on track, but I feel as if I deserve to be alone and punished. That my situation is my fault and I am not worth forgiving by others- so I should not forgive myself. I need to and am making progress. BUT B/B is another tool where I hope to gain strategies, learn- offer and perhaps receive support. Thanks for taking the time to read my narrative.

[Nez]

Hi Croix, thank you. Actually it makes a great deal of sense. These posts have helped me.

Nez

[White_Rose]

Hello Nez

Lovely to read your reply. I hope I didn't sound like a know-all or someone telling you what to do. I am so pleased our posts have helped you and I hope we can continue to help and support you.

New ideas can take time to process, so take all the time you need. I have struggled over new ideas and concepts for a while and then there is the 'aha' moment. Fantastic when that happens. Keep talking to us. It looks as though Croix is much quicker to answer you, but I do get there eventually.

Mary

[Nez]

White Rose- no you do not come across as a know all. I prefer 'in your face' type feedback. Niceities do not help any one to grow. You put me in my 'courage' zone.

Nez.

[Nez]

To forgive one's self? HA! An excuse? Perhaps. This is what I know, have probably always known, but to put it into words helps define it. Going through major depression, PTSD, grief- mine- dad, bro and others, pain, burns, body disfigurement (not obvious can mask most of it with clothes- not the face), divorce, blah- I need and do- examine every one of these as separate and deal with them as such- not as a collective soup. Yes to seek external forgiveness is not the point. Whether I am able yet- is. It is about facing all the fears, anxieties- the horror and pain, all the bad stuff and the negative as an adult- not reliving these things 'then'- but dealing with them 'now'.

I agree- the dead do not seek or require forgiveness. The only person who will know when I warrant this- is me. If the entire world forgave me- told me what a wonderful person I was- but I do not believe it, well go figure. That is my hard work now. I do accept who I am - warts and all. Takes time, reflection, support and very, very hard work. In a nutshell-being mindful. I am evolving into what I should have been. Thanks again for the comments everybodies.