Alcohol, burns, death, abandonment, homelessness, pain, divorce- healed- but cannot forgive myself.

[Nez]

Yep- 18 months ago was clinically dead 3 times on the slab because of horrific burns because of booze+ciggie+blackout. My family disowned me from that moment. Ended up homeless - should have died again, mix of post hospital booze and hospital drugs used over 3 months for pain etc had fried my brain. Then came being stalked, threatened, robbed numerous times, fleeced of money, pain (burns), major depression, divorce, post burns treatment (sore),my dad died when I was in a coma, PTSD and a lot of other stuff. A year sober, depression under control- I do not take any pain relief, my brain is working better than ever, in a safe place housing wise, burns treatment okay. I miss my 2 adult sons heaps. They do not speak with me- despite me trying. I am alone. Divorce- I accepted the ex's demands without argument. So all on track, but I feel as if I deserve to be alone and punished. That my situation is my fault and I am not worth forgiving by others- so I should not forgive myself. I need to and am making progress. BUT B/B is another tool where I hope to gain strategies, learn- offer and perhaps receive support. Thanks for taking the time to read my narrative.

[Rujo]

Hi Nez,

WOW. I just wanted to let you know that I read your post, & I think it is AWESOME that you can open up to others like that and remain so positive - I respect people like you so much. With everything you have gone through, and still survived, just tells me one thing - you still have a very real purpose to fullfil here on earth; you never know, your post may have already inspired someone in need - or even saved their life.

Please never give up hope in your own life, and please look for opportunities to tell more people YOUR STORY - if you only change one life, its all been worth it.

Kind regards,

Rujo

[Croix]

Dear Nez~

OK, your life was a disaster -no argument on that. From the things you say it sounds like life is a bit better- no booze, depression under control, burns being maintained, housing alright.

Those things do not happen by themselves - how many can't give up the booze no matter what. You sound as if you've stabilized your body and situation -at least to a significant extent -forgive me if I misunderstand anything.

That is a major achievement just short of a miracle - and you personally have done it yourself. You have my sincere admiration. (If you've had help that does not detract from your accomplishment.

I'm seeing pain at the loss of your family. Of course.

But how on earth are you to say you are not worth forgiveness, respect and to be treated as a human being by others and yourself. I suspect - I am not a doctor, just an ex-policeman with PTSD - that your depression is not as under control as you think.

I have made horrible mistakes, yet I am loved for myself - faults and all. I'm not cured but live a life that is worth living.

If you have the opportunity please get your GP or other mental health professional to review your situation and take it from there.

What else - it is time to take stock of what gives you some degree of peace, pleasure, satisfaction. These things are so important.

In my own case I found reading was the escape I needed - at my worst was childrens' books, later more adult. I'm not pretending that's your bag - you have to seek it out yourself, music, talking, exercise, writing, whatever - you are the person on the spot.

These and other things are tools to ease pain, self-doubt, the feelings of having no worth. They are indirect. No amount of logical argument by itself will change your attitudes, soldiering on alone does not work. Therapy, friends if you have them , guided self-help are all needed.

Please post again and talk more. I know loss of family is a great hole in your heart. Talk more of yourself - your hopes.

My best wishes

Croix

[Nez]

Hi Croix and Rujo. I am ghosting the different threads. Thanks for your replies. I see a psychologist, my GP- my major depression on the dep scale is now within normal people range, I have a counsellor, do AA and another support meeting eery week. I write. I do art classes and apparently have a talent and pursue it with passion- as a means of learning about myself- the journey being important in painting stuff- not the end product. I do active gym work. Plus a great deal of Recovery stuff with an online b-b type site. All of the people involved in running these things give me glowing feedback on my rate of progress in being a good, healthy person. Also burns management, pain clinic (I refuse to take ANY meds), donate blood (to give back- I used enough). BUT with grief and the alone bit- self forgiveness is quite the alien concept. Getting there and everything I read I absorb and learn from. Thanks again.

Nez

[Croix]

Dear Nez~

I'm pretty pleased you came back, and I guess you should be telling me how to help myself 🙂 - I mean that - you have an awful lot of bases covered.

What can I say to a person like you that I can dredge up from my life - ok, two things, forgive me if I ramble a bit to get there.

You said this whole chain of events happened 18 months ago - or did I get that wrong? Also your account of your family seems like they abandoned you after the accident - I'm supposing there is more to it than that, and yes often children sometimes follow one parent when a split-up occurs.

All real lasting grief. Also guilt.

I've had both. Let's look at the grief. My first wife of 25 years died after 9 months in hospital. I started to feel loss before she went into hospital and it became overwhelming by the time she died. Seemed at the time I was stuck that way - no matter what I tried. 2 years later I had met someone else and grief, whilst present, was so much less. Many years later I can look back on my first marriage with both pleasure and sadness. I'm not afraid to look in that direction any more.

Tru it involve another. You may feel for physical or mental reaonns noone would care to share heir life wiht you.

[Croix]

Dear Nez~
This internet forum had a standard hiccup and the first half of my post went up unfinished –so:

Message part 2:

>True it involved another. You may feel for physical or mental reasons no one would care to share their life with you. You would be surprised. I’m nudging 70 and seen all sorts of pairs, where genuine affection and love have sprung up, flourished and endured. Depends I guess on the parties involved wanting it so.

The guilt. I’m not a guilt-councillor, and have guilt of my own, still there, still hard. I suppose one can look at things clinically and apportion blame – I was so many percent, others were the balance, my motives and intent were so and so, etc. etc. Never really has helped me. There is no one to make things up to either.

Time has effect plus:

Depends what else is triggering you. I’m told it’s part time, part distraction by similar things being done successfully, and part accepting what one was – here the operative word is ‘was’. I’m not the same much younger person, and I would not now have gone down the same path.

I could be trusted with the exact same situation now and would have done right and well.
I think maybe you would too.

CAUTION –the next paragraph or so may be upsetting.

With your sons, you know them, attempts to reach out have many barriers to overcome - the ex’s attitude, the grief they are trapped inside, maybe even your actual appearance, their memories of things you may have done wrong before.

You are however dealing with 2 separate people and once one can be brought closer that might help the other. If you have tried speech, if you have tried writing, if you have said sorry, then these things may not be the way to go. Repetition may solidify resistance.

What is the way to go? I don’t know – perhaps art?

What do you think?

Croix

[White_Rose]

Dear Nez

You have my unqualified admiration for all you have achieved in a relatively short time. Absolutely fantastic.

Now forgiveness, it's a tricky thing to manage. There are, as you said, two sides, forgiving and being forgiven. So many people struggle with this and just about everyone has a different slant on it. You want your family to forgive you because you cannot forgive yourself and feel you cannot do this until you have been forgiven. Lets turn it round. You need to forgive yourself first and you will find you do not need forgiveness from others. Sound like a get out of jail free? Not at all.

Imagine if you had died and your sons had not forgiven you. Clearly it would not matter to you, but they would still be stuck in their unforgiving state. It is up to them to forgive or not, their choice. It really will not make any difference to you if they say you are forgiven. When we forgive we are attending to our own mental health hygiene. Forgiveness lets go of hurt and blame. It does not mean you forget or that you will be reconciled. That's a different step.

Forgiveness from your sons means they have let go of their hurts and my bet is you will still find it difficult to forgive yourself, partly because I doubt you will be reconciled in the near future, and in part because you will still be beating yourself up about your actions and the effect on your family. I hope all this is making sense to you. And also understand I am not wanting to hurt you.

Forgiving yourself can be a hard thing to do. At the moment you are giving yourself an excuse by saying you need this from your sons. In other words your peace depends on them. Not really as I have described above. Forgiving yourself depends on you. Do you really want to forgive yourself or are you prepared to live this very horrid way for the rest of your life?

You have made such a success of your rehabilitation which shows your strength. Now use that to live a full life. You will always regret the past, it's normal, it's what we all do. There is no hierarchy of badness. We carry out actions that make us ashamed and unhappy but there is no "Yours is worse then mine".

Have you talked about this with your psychologist or GP? These are very good people to help. I think it would also help you to start practising meditation. There are many different ways but I believe there is no one size fits all, so choose something you feel comfortable with. If you wish I will talk more about meditation.

Mary

[Nez]

Thankyou W/R and C.. I am re reading all this stuff and will share with you later.

[Nez]

Well I have re read all the replies. Thank you. I do not like the FACT I so want forgiveness (or at least acknowledgement) from my 2 sons. They are adults- working in good jobs and are independent (as far as I know). My crime was drinking- in a classic Hollywood 'Days of Wine and Roses' way. I apportion no blame on anyone- not even myself. I have regret and sadness. I was sick- very, very sick. But to externalise forgiveness stuff is an excuse. I will need to explore MY feelings that influences the thoughts which belies the behaviours

There was only verbal abuse (mainly by me) associated with my boozing. That opens up much else- mainly the breakdown of the foundation of trust. Once again acceptance. I am aware of grief and processing this- but already I have much to think on from taking the voice of posting here.

Once again, thanks for reading.

[Croix]

Dear Nez~

I, Mary & Rujio appreciate your replies.

There's only one thing more I wanted to say today. Looking at myself over the years I find the human mind, for those that are basically decent human beings, has a built-in tendency for self blame, and holding oneself responsible for more than is deserved.

All interactions are two-way. This does not excuse harmful acts, but equally can be generate a goal that does not exist. True one has to try to accept one's faults and try to come to terms with those acts that one should not have been done.

The trick for me is judging where my responsibility ended.

Sorry if this does not make much sense

Croix