Aggressive husband and no escape

[Kate123123]

As with any other story here, my situation is complex and I would like to give you a few words of introduction. I got married to an Australian two years ago. A few months later our daughter was born. When she was just 6 months old we found out that my husband is seriously ill and we had to come to Australia for him to get a proper treatment. He promised me that I will be able to go back home with our daughter anytime (I'd had doubts about going so far away with him after he had been not very nice to me but of course his illness was more important at the moment than my worries - he didn't do anything violent, just started snapping at me).

So I came to Australia and he started his treatment which unfortunately required him taking steroids. His doctor warned us that this might impact on my husbands mood. And it did. He started being very aggressive towards me for no reason, called me a bitch, threw things at me, hit me with the door (he said it was an accident but I know he did it on purpose). I never made any friends in Australia as I was scared that I will have to talk about my family life. I just took care of our daughter and tried to persuade him to let me go back home but he refused. He said I can go alone without our daughter if I want and this is not an option.

His treatment went well, he was taking lower doses of drugs and was a bit better to me but I stopped loving him. We didn't have sex since we came to Australia, I don't like when he touches me or tries to hug me. I feel that he betrayed my trust.

He decided he doesn't want to go to work (he can afford it). I decided I have to work tohave some independence.

So my life now is waking up before he wakes up, commuting for 2 hours, working for 8 hours, commuting for 2 hours and just seeing my daughter for an hour before she goes to sleep. Then I go to sleep. Weekends are better but I have to spend time with him and it is not pleasant. He asked me to pay all our bills so after I pay them, I have no money left.

A month ago his illness relapsed and he started being aggressive again. The chance of me going home are 0 as when he is sick he will stay in Australia.

I feel my life doesn't make sense anymore. I have nothing to look forward to.

I would like to leave him but he will not let me take my daughter with me as he is the one who takes care of her. And if I quit my job and take care of her, I won't have money to rent an apartment and provide for her.

I don't know where to start fixing my life.

[blondguy]

Hello Kate

Welcome to the forums, and for having the strength to post

I am unsure what illness your husband has. From what you have said above you are being abused and your husband is also withholding your daughter. It sounds you are in a very dark place right now.

You have done well to commence working to gain independence...that will give you leverage but I also read your husband is using you to pay all the bills as well.

Any illness doesnt give a person the right to be aggressive towards another. This is an environment that is not conducive to your daughters health and upbringing.

I hope you can call your council or any public health group and see a social worker as soon as possible.

If you wish to elaborate on your husbands health we may be able to be of greater help, the health of your daughter and yourself is paramount in your situation. The Department of Human Services may also be able you with relocation for you and your daughter due to the abuse involved. Your husband cannot 'automatically' threaten you with not being able to see your daughter let alone prevent contact.

Please do contact DHS or your local council to see a social worker. If there is any more abuse whether physical or psychological visit your local police and let them know what you have been going through.

My kindest thoughts for you Kate

Paul

[geoff]

dear Kate, this is such an awful situation both for you and your daughter and what Paul has said is true, when your husband becomes abusive either physically andd/or emotionally is not on and it ' doesnt give a person the right to be aggressive', imagine what would happen if everyone who is suffering from an illness became like this, the world would become a total mess.
He certainly wouldn't be in any condition to look after your daughter and I'm sure that this isn't what she would want, it would put terror into her.
So I wonder if you have a return ticket back to home, and if so then grab your daughter and leave, because the help you have been giving him has meant nothing and he can get a nurse from the council to check on him every day if he requires it.
Why do you need his permission to go home unless he provides the money, but if you do as what Paul said once again is to contact Human Services where they will provide you with emergency accomodation, and I feel that that's what you are looking for, so that you and your daughter can live in peace and quite.
The love you once had for him has now gone, you can't bear the thought of him touching you, and having sex is completely out of the question, and he can't forcefully make you stay, so it would be great hearing back from you because you are asking for our help. Geoff. x

[Starwolf]

Hi Kate, welcome to the forums.

You are in an intolerable situation. My heart goes out to you. I know from experience what it means to be in a controlling, abusive relationship.

I agree with Paul and suggest you contact a social service to know first, what safe accommodation is available in your area and also where you stand regarding your daughter. You have taken the courageous step to find employment and gain some independence. However, continuing to pay the bills defies the purpose. It seems the best alternative is to search for a safe place for both you and your daughter to stay. These are available to women who are subjected to domestic violence and their children. I also suggest you seek legal advice regarding what you can do within your rights to leave your husband and gain custody of your daughter

My best wishes are with you.