Fight with my partner turned physical

[Lil_b]

Hi everyone,

Just really needed to get this off my chest and although it doesn't compare to what most are going through it would still be nice to get it all out there.

My partner and I for the last month have been struggling with trust issues and going through a stage of rebuilding and all was going really well until Saturday night. We had both been drinking heavily at an event and when we were just about to go to bed he went through my phone and began to become really angry at me over really not much. The fight escalated fast and turned really physical on both our ends. I was grabbing and pushing him and he too was hurting me. I woke up with scratches all over me, my arm bruised from how hard he was grabbing me, face scratched from his watch, and even a bite mark on my arm. I just don't know what to do as I too was very physical with him and the only reason I was hurt more was because he is much stronger then me but I don't feel like I can blame him just because he is the man as I was doing pretty much the same stuff (I didn't go as far as biting however). We are both completely traumatised from the event and although we have had huge fights before and his rage is a prominent issue in our relationship, it has never gone that far. We are both so sad from it that I have just let him back into the house as we don't want to not see each other. But was this the wrong thing to do? Should I be punishing him? I am just so lost and feeling very lonely..

Thanks a lot

[blondguy]

Hello Lil_b

Welcome to the forums and thankyou for posting too!

Good on you for reaching out on what must have been an awful night. From what you mention above he was going through your phone which pushed his buttons. Going through a partners phone is invasion of privacy and unnecessary. It is sad to have these trust issues which can effect the foundations of our relationships.

You have mentioned that it was a two way fight and I admire your honesty. Being traumatized from the event would be expected. There is really no excuse for fight to get physical. I know you were doing some pushing and shoving as you said above and am unsure who laid hands on who first (the instigator) but would fuel the fire.

If I may ask you Lil_b, has your partner been violent towards you before? (or vice versa)

I would find a counselor today and book an appointment for both of you. Asap. I know you said you were physical too but I am concerned about the degree of violence he used towards you. Letting him back in wont change a person that has a propensity to use violence again. Be careful Lil_b

I hope you can post back, you are more than welcome to. There are many caring people on the forums that can provide support to you. Would your partner be willing to attend relationship counseling?

My best for you both

Paulx

[Starwolf]

Hi Lil_b,

Welcome and thank you for sharing your concerns with us.

It is obvious that you both have relationship issues. Sometimes, it takes a big scare to start accepting this fact and make us consider what to do next. No one but you can choose whether to stay in the relationship or move on.

Well done for acknowledging that trouble had been brewing before this event. Acknowledgment takes courage. It also allows us to start working on healing the situation...or withdrawing.

If you choose to stay, things will have to change on both sides. If you opt for moving on, please make sure you don't take the same troubles into a new relationship. Paul's suggestion of talking with a counselor is a good idea. Often, relationship problems are better resolved with a mediator's help because strong emotional involvement clouds judgment and causes unhelpful outbursts. If both of you are habitual drinkers, this would be a separate issue to look into. If it was a one off, be aware that alcohol stirs up and exacerbates an already existing problem. There's no volcanic eruption without a seething, fiery mass below the surface.

So please take care and make sure you stay safe. Being physically stronger, your partner could have neutralized you without retaliating. But kudos to you for acknowledging that you played your part in this fight. When anger is justified, there are better ways than physical to deal with whatever caused it.

Writing your thoughts, weighing the pros and cons of staying/leaving will help clarify your feelings to yourself.

I once had to walk out on a couple of abusive relationships. So your story rings loud alarm bells. If you think the relationship is worth saving, it will have to be a joint project. I suggest that you stay alert to the slightest sign of uncontrolled anger.

[Carmela]

Thanks for posting Lil_b and welcome.

You have received some solid advice from Paul and Starwolf. However if you both are committed to sorting out the underlying issues with your relationship, individual counselling is great supplemented with couples counselling. Relationships Australia offer some wonderful options to get to the heart of couple issues in a compassionate and caring environment. My husband and l used this service and found it great.

Being physically abusive to one another will not solve the issues that are obviously triggering the outbursts and hurt you both feel. The love you have for each other needs to be based on respect. I think you know this from what l have read in your post and sincerely hope you both sort it out.

Carmela