Continuing depression stemming from abuse

[swannees]

Just one cause of depression is childhood abuse by my father from at least 6 to 15. I can only put this out in dribbles as I cannot cope with more informing, but at 15 I attempted to take my life for the first time. I can't say at present any more about that. That is the trouble no matter what amazing help I get nothing takes that issue away. The effect on self esteem is still huge although I have a great partner and wonderful children. I guess it was a situation where I went through on my own obviously and I still feel disconnected to most people.

[Kathryne]

Hi

Welcome to Beyond Blue.

First realize that it was not your fault.

Every time something presents on TV or news it can cause memories to trigger responses to past abuse.

You're feeling s of disconnection could be your coping mechanisms to protect your self from further hurt.

I'm glad to read that you have been able to establish a strong family bond with your partner and children.

No matter how much anyone states they understand were you are coming from. Nobody can understand the pain of betrayal of trust , from the person who is meant to love and protect you.

This leads to feelings of no self worth. And lack of self esteem , you have made huge steps towards freeing your self .

Forgiveness is a wonderful tool, you forgive the person but not the actions, because whilst you remain angry or hurt the person retains control of your emotions.

To be abused for such a large portion of your childhood would take a lot of work and effort to reach resolution .

Your life is valuable

Call beyond blue on 1300224636 if you need to talk things out

Regards Kathryne

[Cornstarch]

I am so sorry for your abuse. Betrayals in the bloodline make my blood boil. I can’t stand it when people pretend they can understand when they obviously cannot so I will not attempt to do that and minimise your suffering simply because I do not want to feel uncomfortable by something that I cannot control.

My sex abuse was by a father figure, executed in front of a mother figure but they were not my parents, so I don’t want to act as if I know how that feels. When it is a parent or somebody else in the family that brings with it a whole host of other emotions and complications and unfortunately depression is extremely common. And unless your parents have died you still have to navigate a relationship with them or have no relationship with them and be grieving that. It is very hard.
I’m sure Kathryn was well meaning but I was dismayed to read the word ‘forgiveness’ in the post. This is a mental health forum and I personally believe that the moderators should not allow posts regarding childhood sexual abuse to contain words of encouragement to forgive. Not because I believe people can’t move on from sexual abuse and lead fulfilling lives, but because pressuring someone who is feeling depressed to forgive only
induces shame. You don’t need a psychology degree or be particularly trauma-aware to observe that shame is quite literally the most corrosive emotion in the human repertoire of emotions. Shame will take you down in seconds, and it is the toughest hurdle clinical psychologists have to help their clients with. In fact, Judith Herman who wrote a masterpiece called Trauma and Recovery has written several articles on sexual abuse being a shame disorder. Shame can also make people become avoidant and withdraw, so I do my best to ensure I never make them feel ashamed. It’s the root experience that every sex abuse survivor has to manage and I struggle with it daily.

I completely understand the loneliness. The paedophile that abused me died this day 14 years ago. I was sitting at work thinking about him and his wife. She probably shed a tear for him and put flowers on his grave, wishing he was here. His son's are probably missing him as well. He was never charged and is resting at peace, unhurt and nothing to worry about. As you say, all these years later we experience that precise visceral loneliness that we experienced while being assaulted and in its aftermath. No-one can comfort me while I'm back in there. I go out into nature. Peace.

[geoff]

hi Swannees, we appreciate that to post your comment would not have been an easy decision so we open our arms to you.
Those early years must have been horrendous, with you needing but more so wanting to tell someone what was happening but you were struck with absolute fear, because of what may have been said to you by the deployable acts that your father committed.
We really understand all of this, but we have to gain your confidence and certainly the respect that you could be lacking, and can I mention that there are many other people on this site that have been physically abused themselves, and hopefully some will reply back to you.
This PTSD you are trying to cope with is always difficult, but your father should be reported but you might not be ready to do this as it would open a can of worms, and that's exactly what you are trying to overcome.
I don't want to go into this in any detail at the moment, because I want you to try and trust the people on this site, as all of us have gone through our own trauma's, but each post is treated individually and that's how we will handle your post, but with great care, so if you like just reply a little bit at a time. L Geoff. x

[Kathryne]

Hi Cornstarch,

I apologize for offending you with my suggestion of forgiveness. I have found that to be the most effective way to resolve my issues . In no way to I codone the behaviour. My personal view .

Forgiveness does not require reconciliation. Reconciliation has to do with restoring or reestablishing a relationship. You can forgive and remain physically distant and detached. However, when a sex offender has abused you, you can forgive the person, but you do not have to have a relationship with him.

Forgiveness is a process. It is not a one-time event. Since it is a process, be patient with yourself. Everyone is different.

Defining what forgiveness is not:

· Forgiveness is not about forgetting.

· Forgiveness is not about condoning the behavior or saying it was okay.

· Forgiveness does not mean that you have to tolerate the behavior.

· Forgiveness does not wipe away the accountability and responsibility for whatever the event is. You may forgive a perpetrator. They may still go to prison for ten.

· Forgiveness does not create the possibility of fixing the problem. It does not mean that something can be undone.

· Forgiveness does not mean that you have to trust.

Oprah had a program on forgiving a abusive parent here is a link to a portion of program.

“To forgive is not to condone the bad things our parents have done. It's not to deny their selfishness, their rejections, their meanness, their brutality, or any of the other misdeeds, character flaws, or limitations that may attach to them. It is important to separate from our parents—which is to stop seeing ourselves as children who depend on them for our emotional well-being, to stop being their victims, to recognize that we are adults with some capacity to shape our own lives and the responsibility to do so.”
I will not allow link to oprah's site sorry

Personally I have found to forgive has resulted in my own healing.

Kathryne

[Cornstarch]

You don’t have to apologise to me Kathryn I wasn’t offended and if you are a sexual abuse survivor I open my arms to you. I wear many hats and unfortunately another hat I wear is the same one many thousands of Australian’s do, and that is the ‘touched by suicide’ hat. I’m sure you, and everyone on here is deeply concerned about the current suicide rate. Sexual abuse survivors are very vulnerable people and in my experience if the pressure to ‘heal’ and to forgive’ is imposed upon them at the height of their traumatic memory recall it can end in tragedy. I have seen friends spiral into very dark places when well meaning therapists hoping to be helpful mis-timed introducing ‘forgiveness’ and it increased harm. I try to approach any victims very delicately because I
can’t assume that they have been on their journey as long as I have. Some people have complete amnesia until their 30s, 40s or 50s and that too is classed as normal in terms of brain science. Even more terribly a lot of people are re-victimised as adults and studies have been conducted on this also. Other people have had no amnesia around the abuse and are facing it head on as soon as it ceases in childhood or early adulthood. The variation in reactions is so vast I steer away from the one size fits all approach. And lets face it sexual
abuse occurs on a scale of severity, we are not all facing the same situation. Also not everyone has love and support in their lives. I want them to. But they don't. Not everyone has a loving partner, a great GP, plenty of money to aid recovery and friends they can open up to. Heaps of people have no-one and very minimal financial resources, and are totally reliant on a skilled therapist to help them navigate the trauma or try and do it on their own if that suits them. I never want to assume that they are armed with enough things to cope with the abuse let alone cope with processing it on their own if they happen to be. I agree with you that theoretically forgiveness is possible for some people and in some situations, but I would never ask Daniel Morcomb’s parents to forgive the sex abuser that stole their son. Clearly they are still contributing to society and remaining engaged, campaigning for a passionate cause, but most people in Australia would be appalled if a journalist asked them to forgive him. To forgive everyone in every scenario is the ideal. But you have not failed spiritual life, or human life if you simply can't. Take care and lucky you! xxxxx