Again feeling lost

[Guest_093]

ok been with 'beyond blue' a fair while now have put in posts and advice to others but now again I am feeling lost. My husband Barry passed away yesterday due to complications resulting from a infection, he was in hospital and turned off his dialysis machine yesterday at 3pm. Last night and this morning been doing a lot crying this arvo just tired and fuzzy headed, talking to ppl who are sent their condolences over his death, Bazz spirit is here at home with John and myself now and is still strong in our lives, we are still to arrange funeral as the death cert has not been released, I am putting a brave front up, and both John and me are grieving quietly for Barry, barry died without regaining fully conscious he opened 1 eye occasionally and we both believe to tell us goodbye and to let him go with peace and dignity that he deserved so I did that.

[White_Rose]

Hello Spitfire

I am so sorry to learn of your loss. Please accept my condolences. It's always hard when a partner passes away no matter what the circumstances. It sounds as though he had made his goodbyes and was ready to go. Try to comfort yourself that he is at rest now. I know it does not help your pain and you wish he could still be with you.

It's good you can still feel Barry's spirit is still in your home and I hope giving you some comfort. I presume John is your son. Crying is a natural reaction and it's good to let out the emotion. It's no wonder you are tired.

Arranging a funeral is not easy especially when you are so close. Let the funeral directors help you as much as possible.Letting a third party take some of the burden will help to keep you going through this immediate time.

I know it's too soon to talk of healing so take each day as it comes. Stop when you are tired and cry whenever you need. These are the ways we cope with a loss such as this.

You know BB is always available to you to express your feelings. Even though we may not answer immediately we are here for you just as you have been for other people.

Mary

[Soberlicious96]

Hi Spitfire,

Of course you are feeling lost ...... you just lost someone you love. It's gonna hurt for some time .......

Grief, I have found, is kind of like the ocean, in that sometimes it's at high tide and the waves are coming fierce and fast and bringing bunch of debris with them. At high the time of high tide it's all you can do to tread water or swim for your life and just keep your head about water enough to breathe ......

And then it recedes back to low tide; calm, clear and cleansing. You can see all around you and it's gently lapping at your feet.

And with each rise and fall of the tide, you practice your swimming and get a little better at it. You know that the ocean will always be there, rising and falling as it does, but you adjust to life with the tides.

My deepest condolences for your loss ..... and please just be super gentle with yourself, as you learn this new way of life without your loved one. Keeping you in my thoughts. xox

[Paw Prints]

Dear Spitfire1,

I think to let someone die with peace & dignity is the greatest expression of love there is. Let yourself grieve & only do what you feel up to. Mary's suggestion of having someone to help you at this time is a good one as it can all be overwhelming.

Having to organise funerals & assoc things for 3 family members over the past few years I am well aware there can be many other things that need doing at this time (bank a/c's etc). I found it useful to keep a notebook at hand & write down the things that need to be done as I thought of them & so I could cross them of as they were done. It also allows your helper to add things & do things for you.

I am so very sorry for your loss, sending you gentle hugs.

Paw Prints

[Guest_093]

you are a beautiful lady, as said to me so many times since yesterday by John, John is my good friend here alias housemate who has lived with us/me as that, as Barry calls him 'a brother from a another mother' he is my brick from Gilbrata till I get thru this tough time, so I am passing on the message to you Mary again that you are a beautiful lady with beautiful words, you have expressed what exactly I am going through with words and yet I am crying again, and I know I will, thank you for the comfort words. I had a woman who I believe is a true friend now from work stop in @ the house to see how I am uninvited she was so scared to come here uninvited as she did not know what I would do when I saw her she thought I would punch her out or something, all I said was you were the last person I expected to see here she understood that remark we talked about Barry's death and what is going to happen when arranging the funeral she was there for me and she cares which is comforting. Barry's brothers also turned up earlier here and we were not happy and neither was Barry. I never really liked his brothers but persevered @ family get togeathers but was glad when we left I think Barry was too! They basically came to give their condolences saying I should not have to go thru this alone, told them I was'nt that John is here with me and will be as long as I want to live here, they did not like that comment 1 bit then went on to tell me about the rest of the ppl who are coming to my husband's funeral, so John told them to leave the property now - seriously you should have heard Barry go off he was so angry about the episode. I believe what I believe and don't listen to everyone else. So very sad and tired tonight, do not want to sleep in our room tonight so I think I will move into the spare room in the next week or so that is 1 less tackle I have to worry about. I am still trying to find pple who knew Barry and let them know these people I have no contact details for they are just names to me and John but will continue to search. I see my physocolist on Wed she does not know, and made a app to see my GP next week her husband is Barry's GP both in the same practice they have both been away on holidays, lucky them. Time for me to rest.

[White_Rose]

Dear Spitfire

Thank you for your beautiful words. I feel honoured my words have helped you.

Sadly funerals can be a time f argument and being upset. However you can stick to what you have planned. I doubt you can stop anyone attending the funeral if the service etc is held in a church or similar. However, if you are providing some refreshments afterwards you can limit those who comes into your home. So good you have a friend like John who can help.

If I may make a suggestion, wait until the funeral is over before looking at any of the other tasks which need to be done. Maybe even go away for a couple of days to somewhere peaceful and allow yourself to grieve. Let the peace of your surroundings become part of you and give you refreshment. These are the things that help us to continue with our work without becoming despairing. Barry will be waiting for your return.

Good idea to see your psychologist and GP. Let them help you through this hard time. Meanwhile, keep posting here.

Mary

[Guest_093]

hi again every1 it's been a hellish 5 days & 5 hours of a week since i posted and now i still have flu and larangytis to boot to go with everything else, just learnt to stay fairly quiet in speaking which has been a bit hardish as i still have had ppl 2 speak with but the biggest problem was amonst others was financial strain of paying for B's funeral which did not happen and still has not happened as of yet, i do not even know if he was cremated today or not it was suppose to happen but no phone call this arvo so still in limbo, asked B's family yesterday for financial help for expenses but was told no today, so sad and disappointed with his now I call EX-family and have been distressed over everything else, had searched every angle I could think of to pay 4 his up?coming cremation and all them fell thru, in desperation I messaged the gurl who came here uninvited the other day to ask her if she knew of any1 or places, 1st off she suggested if b had super, i don't know that 1 as the last job b had was taxi driving 10 yrs ago, she asked what bout my super & bingo i have the paperwork in my hot little hand still filling out a bit of a long process 2 receive funeral money but it will b there 4 me 2 pay and finally put b in RIP & 2 top it off the leccy wh2 did work on the house a cple of weeks ago arrived on wed & wanted security for bill which is owed so he took nu boat which is only 3 mths old & taken out 2ce, John was pretty cut up about it if i could draw extra $$ out of super 2 help pay bills i seriously would no hestitation what so ever. I really thought I knew Barry the past 20 odd years but it is a hard realisation that I really did not, this is the man that I slept beside 4 most of that time, this is the man who I had loved and I beleivingly loved me, should not say that, just feel very disheartened and sad now, things that I thought i knew about the man i am not so sure of now, have so many questions that I would have liked to have asked of him but that will not happen now, his death has really devasted me but I am a SURVIVOR and believe that. I applied 4 a volounteer cleaning job 4 about a week today, it is a 2 fold purpose they want a cleaner a few hrs @ day and I need total chill out time 4 the rest of the day while I am there so will see, if not when life is a bit more settled I would like 2 go down & see my best mate  4 a week/2 bef4 going back 2 work, i need this 4 me, myself & I. Spitfire1