Affect on relationships after emotional and mental abuse

[EverlastingDaisy]

Hi there,

2 years ago I was finally able to exit an emotionally/mentally abusive relationship that carried on for 7 years. Around the same time I was diagnosed with ADD. My female friends were supportive of me leaving my abuser however the entire social group carried on like nothing had ever happened. Despite attempting to articulate my feelings, my friends could not understand that his presence and continued association, no matter how small, was harmful to me, and took my absence personally. Long story short the friendships fractured and I lost my social circle.

I am not sure how to explain the breakdown in relationships to other mutual friends. I neither wish to vilify my old friends or make myself look like a victim. Also bringing up the aspect of abuse seems to make people VERY uncomfortable and they shut down.

I am lucky to have a great partner but without my friends I do feel very lonely at times, having lost my social circle. I feel very broken and misunderstood. No to mention the confusion trying to decipher which actions of mine are due to trauma behaviours or ADD symptoms.

The lack of support and losing my friendship circle post abuse has honestly been just as painful, perhaps even worse than the abuse itself and there seems to be very little literature about how to cope with this scenario. It seems to assume that your friends will choose you over the abuser and rally to your support.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear EverlastingDaisy,

Welcome to Beyond Blue, and well done for reaching out.

Being a fellow survivor of an emotional and verbally abusive relationship, I too was quite surprised when people whom I thought would 'have my back' in fact, did not want much to do with me at all. They seemed to think that I was indeed 'just being a victim' and 'whinging' about things too much. It was a very difficult time, and I felt quite lonely for some time.

But I did have a wonderful support in one of my sisters, and of course my parents. It's good that you too have a supportive partner. Having someone in your court makes it just that bit easier.

And yeah, there will always be those who just don't know what to say or do when it comes to dealing with an abusive person. I tend to think that it's because people are quite afraid of getting involved because those who are abusive can be so intimidating.

I'd like to suggest that perhaps, if you're not already, to get some sort of counseling for yourself so that you can hopefully move through to a better place and to become more confident again. Or call the 1800 RESPECT number: 1800 737 732 for information and support.

I hope that helps at least a little; to know that you are not alone, and that you have been 'heard' here. Take care. I'll be thinking of you. xo

[Tynk]

Hi Everlasting Daisy,

Thanks for your post. You explain the situation so very clearly.

I've had a similar experience of losing my core friendship group - 40 years of friendship. This followed my former husband's arrival in a police car at the house of my friends - not his.

I'd told my friends nothing of my years of struggles as he went off the rails with alcohol and drugs, got better, relapsed, got better, relapsed... Jeckyl becoming Hyde. My husband cried and gained their ear that night. My friends didn't even call to see if I was all right.

It seems those who haven't experienced abuse, have no ability to understand. They can't appreciate the insidious manipulation and the damage.

My friends seemed to find it too hard and didn't want to know. I was very fragile and on a number of occasions left a gathering because something triggered my distress.

It was clear distress was taboo. This amplified my anxiety and I became more reactive. My saying I needed patience and encouragement was not heard. Instead of comfort, I experienced silence - embarrassed?censorious? I found myself apologising, yet never did somebody who inadvertently upset me say sorry.

I became marginalised. I suspect there is some kind of misguided group-think going on. Loyalties are complex and rarely rational.

When I tried to meet to do some mending, I encountered such resistance, I gave up.

My counsellor advised me not to expect anything from that group. My brother suggested I simply not keep trying to retain the relationships.

It's extremely difficult- so many losses: life partner, step children and grandchildren - then friends. Feeling blamed, feeling betrayed.

I've since been making an effort to build new friendships. I've been treated with kindness and encouragement. There have been a couple of times I've become anxious and distressed and I've been treated kindly and supportively -given a hug and reassurance.

These new friends know very little, or nothing of the history and maybe that's the key. Perhaps people can't cope with the reality of what happened.

Since not seeing my old friendship group I feel I've made more progress. The anxiety has decreased and I'm feeling stronger. But it's lonely.

Healing and rebuilding take time and persistence.

One new friend said to cultivate and treasure those who are positive.

She's right.

And be kind to yourself.

I wish you all the best

Tynk

[EverlastingDaisy]

Thankyou both Soberlicious and Tynk.

While I'm not stoked to hear this happened to you both, it is rather reassuring to hear of others having a similar experience. Because you just can't help but over analyse yourself and your actions and worry that WHAT IF I am indeed a terrible person.

And it makes sense when explained like that, how people can't handle certain realities. There are another three who named the abuse/inappropriate behaviour, gently and quietly over the years and have treated me with sympathy and an understanding that can only have come from experience. I think the first two tried to the best of their ability, not realising their actions and advice enabled the abuser. Telling them they don't understand was not received well.

I'm still not sure how to broach it with other people who ask in a balanced way. Do I simply tell them we had a falling out? Don't see eye to eye anymore?

I wish I could stay away forever where I would never again have to acknowledge my ex or these former friends, but it would deprive me and my partner of our scene and our hobby and group activities within a larger event with other friends. These people are still friends with our friends which makes things hard.

[Peter0LX]

Hi EverlastingDaisy,

Hang in there. Things will improve. In my case, I decided that some "friends" in my partner's circle were kind of toxic. They were in the habit of discharging their passive aggression at people close to them. They were always very polite as they went about it but it was anger nevertheless. I could never work out why they did it but I decided to cut myself off from them because they just kept doing it.

I have started to make new friends by joining a community group, in my case a choir. I never expected it would turn out so gratifying. Can I suggest that you form new connections by getting into some group recreational activity that you're even mildly interested in.

Best wishes.

[EverlastingDaisy]

That sounds like a similar scenario. Especially the passive aggression.

It feels really sad if I have to let of the huge wider pool of friends and acquaintances that I have known for all my adult life all because of three people. I feel bad because socially I am letting my partner down, he has moved towns for me me away from his friends and I can't even take him to socialise with my own friends. But I guess the seed is planted and I will be more open to frequenting different circles. Many thanks for your advice.