Advice on leaving emotionally/verbally abusive partner

[Toonice]

Hi all

I have been with my partner for nearly 10 years and we have a 7 year old daughter. I realised some time ago that he is verbally abusive. He does not respect me. We broke up a few years ago and then i stupidly took him back. He changed for a while then things went downhill again. He lost work a year ago due to covid and I am now the only one working. I come home from work, cook dinner, clean and look after our daughter while he sits on his computer game. He will also often whinge about what i make for dinner. He gives me money for half the rent but i have to pay for everything else. He always puts me down and to him i can't do anything right. He is also teaching our daughter to disrespect me. He will call me a name and she will also say it to me. He told her to "give me hell." He has never hit me but has otherwise gotten physical with me. I feel like i cannot have my own opinions or stand up for myself. So I mostly stay silent and I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I tense up really bad when he comes near me or when I hear his car pull in. I do not love him anymore and I feel increasingly depressed in this relationship. We never do anything as a family anymore. I try not to be at home and my daughter and I will go out and do things on our own. I am repulsed by his touch and never want to be intimate with him. I feel like I emotionally checked out of this relationship a long time ago. I dont think he loves me anymore but he will not admit it. I always dream of a future without him where I can live in peace. I really want to break up with him but I feel so guilty. I am very worried about how my daughter will react. She really loves him and looks up to him (even though he barely pays her attention). I don't know what to do. I feel like I cannot stay living with him or I will get more depressed and I am worried about my daughters disrespect towards me getting worse. Last time we broke up he moved out to his parents house. He wouldnt be able to stay where we are on centrelink income. I just feel so much guilt and I am so scared. I dont know what to do.

I am hoping people on here can give me advice or any stories of people in a similar situation.

Thank you

[Sophie_M]

Hi Toonice,

Welcome to the forums. We are so glad that you have reached out here today. It sounds like you have been at the receiving end of a lot of disrespect and abuse within your relationship. Please know that you are valuable, and you deserve to live your life free from fear and abuse.

We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer 24/7 confidential information, counselling and support for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice and support to anyone in this type of situation. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or visit  https://www.1800respect.org.au/

If at any point you have been threatened or you are fearful for yourself, please call 000 (triple zero).

Thanks again for reaching out here. We hope you can keep us updated here on how you're going whenever you feel up to it.

[geoff]

Hello Toonice, and a warm welcome to the site.

What you have told is not how anyone should be living in any marriage/relationship, the disrespect shown to you should not be happening and by taking him back, once you told him to leave, is that his behaviour will be ok, but after a short time will only revert back to how he originally was, which is now what's happening.

Emotional abuse is not what other people can see, except probably your 7 year old daughter which is not an ideal situation for either you or your daughter.

There should not be any guilt on you at all, and even though I can't say what you should do, I can suggest that you separate to begin with.

Centrelink can provide you with bond money and two weeks rent, which you pay off over a period or alternatively emergency housing is available in Vic and I'm sure the same applies to other states, where the unit/flat/house is furnished and provide accommodation for the two of you, but try and keep this to only people you trust.

Your daughter can talk with counsellors from Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 and will certainly appreciate how old she is and be able to relate back to her considering her age.

May be if this can be done quietly so you can plan ahead, again with those you can trust and have no contact with your partner.

We want to help keep you safe, so please get back to us if you have any questions.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Toonice]

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for your advice. I have one question. I am not sure if I should mention to him about his behaviour being "abusive."? I have never actually said that word to him and I am not sure if he realises that his behaviour is abusive or not. When I confronted him to break up years ago I did say he does not treat me well but didnt use the word abuse. Also, I dont believe he would become violent if we break up but I guess you never know. So I am a bit confused how to go about separating. I do have a bit of savings that could keep me living here for a while but should look into maybe public housing and talking to centrelink like you said. I also sort of want to just try and break up normally and am not sure whether to admit to anyone this is abuse. For some reason i dont want to ruin his reputation.

Thanks again for your help.