Admitting it might be bad

[Auric_halcyon]

I always thought that trauma was sort of the norm. Not everything good happens all of the time. Everyone has at least one or two ghosts in the closet. But the more I used to tell people about my past, the more horrified and shocked they would get. I have sort of started to come to terms with the fact that my life has been the titanic. It serves as a lesson to others. I was sexually abused by a friends father of a close relative, none of my family or friends have ever known. It went on for a while, and I only began to realize how horrific it was when i was in my early twenties. I burned down my house (accidentally, left some candles on) when I was 16. I was rejected by my mother and my father for their new families. I'm bisexual, wiccan, and while I've always had a roof over my head and food in my belly, I hit a lot of rough patches I've had bible thrown at me "thou shalf not suffer a witch to live". I'm in and out of depression and self-loathing my whole life, I think the first time I came out of a cycle was when I was 11, I'd been in a constant darkness all through primary school. I'm an academic, highly intellectual person and I've always, always been overweight. Struggling with weight implies there is a battle. I have never picked up the torch to get rid of it for longer than a week. - School was never easy for me, because of the other students.I thought suicidal thoughts were just the norm. I knew most of my friends contemplated it intellectually, sometimes on a struggling level, but I was in college when I began to work out that I was in deeper than most people.I feel like at any given time, there is three versions of me inside my own head; the happy, fun loving smart gal, the depressed, hateful wrathful angry girl and this survivalist utalitarian, the girl who has dragged the other two through all of this. I think to survive, I've learned to compartmentalise everything. I don't deal with issues; I just thrust them down as far into the bin of baggage, and I try to just keep going. It used to work... now, I'm 28; and I am coming undone.

Last year the first time in my life I saw a psychologist. Asking for help was for people withreal, serious issues. not little stuff like my parents not loving me or some rough childhood memories. For the first time in my life, things are stable, good, even. And I cannot handle it. I am falling into anxiety bad-habits and all that baggage is almost constantly resurfacing. I don't know what to do.

[Starwolf]

Hi Auric Halcyon (great name !), welcome to the forums.

It sounds like it has been a hell of a ride...repeated intense experiences wear us down without us noticing because we get used to them. I can relate to your feelings and concerns as I have had a somewhat similar past, bouncing from one trauma to the next and taking for granted that it is what Life is all about. I relate to the 3 identities within you that can sometimes be at war with each other. I learned about inter species communication since early childhood and was later mentored into shamanism. So I also know what you mean when you feel some people regret that witch hunt has become politically incorrect.

Well done for taking the proactive approach towards the damage done. It does take a while for stirred up mud to settle again after the therapy rock is thrown into subconscious waters.

There is danger in getting used to intense experiences. We have no idea how to deal with stability because we never had to. We are all different so react differently. I can't tell you how to deal with this issue but can only speak from personal experience. I have always done best if there is still some measure of "safer" intensity in my life. From playing silly games involving horses, being the monkey on my cousin's racing sidecar, being a remedial trainer for "problem" horses and dogs, often deemed dangerous. Replacing emotional danger suffered at the hands of others with a more controlled, safer kind of my own choice.

Mindfulness has also become a habit, an automatic state of mind. It brings back a sense of awe into daily life and its commonplaces. It also gets us out of our heads...

Dealing with issues doesn't come easy but there are no viable alternatives. Therapy is meant to eventually stop us throwing trauma in some compartment or the other. Doing this only throws away our wholeness. Bringing toxicity back into the open is the only way to heal its effects. Being open and honest with your psych is of course essential.

You have inner strength and resilience. You also have remarkable insight into your inner world. These can be used for living instead of being applied to survival only. It just takes time to adjust them to a different application, one small step at a time. Please be persistent but patient with yourself.

Navigating the forums will allow you to connect with others in similar situations or/and let steam off. Writing helps clarify our thoughts to ourselves.

Here for you.

[MarkJT]

Auric halcyon, agree with Starwolf, awesome name. Well done for reaching out on the forum, takes courage and the way you have explained your situation tells me that you have courage by the bucket load.

I cannot understand much of what you are saying as i havent been through that but i have had trauma via PTSD and again a bit different as mine was visual not physical like you. it was a hard enough journey to undertake but to have physical triggers as well would be hard to cope with.

You should continue to see the psych. Please do not compare you matters to others as you matters are yours and what may seem small to you could well be very big.

I can relate to the new feeling though. Last week i had this feeling and it is continuing now. i couldnt work out if i was completely calm or anxious. It was such a strange feeling and really uneasy. i have now learnt to accept it and run with it but at the same time being very careful to watch my own mental health for signs of going backwards.

Cannot agree anymore with Starwolf and talking of mindfulness. Extremely important to learn and practise it. I use the app Smiling Mind daily and keeps me calm. Please research and get onto it.

I wish you well and hope to hear from you again.

Mark.