Abused as child, grief and alcohol - I'm OK

[Squeeze72]

Brief outline of my journey:

Was abused , sexually by my older sister's husband as a teenager as was my best friend, told my parents and they didn't want to make a fuss and still allowed him to come into the family home.  

When they divorced I was always looking out for any evidence that he was doing the same to their daughter.  Told myself it was my fault for looking older than my years and he wouldn't do anything to his own child.  Told myself that I was reading too far into things and they had a normal relationship. When she was 9 she told her mum that her dad had 'done things'to her since she was a toddler. Had to have examinations etc. I told my story to the police and made a statement - was handled really well and professionally. Years later as an adult she pressed charges and he's now in jail. 

Part of me thinks my sister knew what he was doing to me back then and we haven't been that close since then. I have also emigrated to Australia from UK 12 years ago so didn't have much contact anyway.

My best friend who was also abused by him was found dead last year aged just 41 after fighting eating disorders, alcohol resulting in job loss and children being removed after her 2nd husband became abusive. We were always really close, like sisters despite living on opposite sides of the world.  Saw the decline and tried to help her. Loved her so so much and think of her daily. I keep in touch with both her children.  1st husband and step-Mum to her daughter have been amazing. 

Side note my brother was in and out of prison all his life.  Is a drug user, was used to him being arrested, bringing dealers round for money he owed and bring frightened in our own home.  Face splashed all over the newspapers recently as one of the biggest drug busts in UK gang member. I chose around 13 years ago not to have any ties with him. I was aware of his domestic violence against women and right if this was someone doing this to my family,  friend or colleague I would be advising them to get out of the relationship. Staying in touch would be condoning it.

I actually believe I have turned out really well and have a gorgeous husband of 21 years and 2 over 18's children.  We have our ups and downs and I strongly suspect (read know) that my husband drinks too much for his health.

Hoping I can provide some support for others going through challenging times. 

[Zeal]

Hi Squeeze,

Welcome to the forum, and thank you for posting!

I would like to say that I think you are very strong for getting through the unjust hardships you faced, and that you have great values and intuition. What your sister's husband did to you was in no way any fault of yours. The blame and responsibility lies with him, as he was callous and took advantage of you. Your parents' reaction is concerning. I am glad you did speak up though, as you didn't deserve to have that burden rest solely with you.

I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your best friend. Eating disorders are more deadly and complex than many realise. I was hospitalised with an eating disorder for two months in 2012, and I met a number of girls in the mental health ward with an ED. One woman I met had a rough upbringing, and succumbed to alcoholism and eventually developed her eating disorder. Thankfully I am fully recovered now. I am very glad to hear that your best friend's children are being well taken care of. It's fantastic that you also keep in contact with her children, and that you cared so much about their mother, who will always remain in your memory.

It is so fortunate that your sister's nine year old daughter had the courage to voice what he did. I am so glad you also spoke up to the authorities about what happened to you. This was the best possible thing you could do in the situation. The fact that he is in jail means you and your niece have some relief in knowing that he is being punished for his exploitation. I hope you have both been to see a psychologist or other professional about this trauma. Dealing with the trauma is vital in order to move on emotionally. I really respect your decision to not have contact with your brother. His destructive behaviour would have negatively impacted on your family's life, as well as putting you in constant danger at a vulnerable age.

I also think you have coped very well with your life circumstances. So many in your place would fall prey to mental illness, get involved with drugs, become involved with criminal activities or become bitter and unable to move on. It's great that you have a lovely husband and two adult children. Hopefully your husband's drinking doesn't worsen. If you are concerned, try taking him to his GP to discuss ways to reduce his intake and develop coping mechanisms.

It's great that you are happy to help others who are struggling 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[Guest_5218]

Wow Squeeze72, thats quite some journey.  I am in total awe of you in what you have come through and stilll managed to achieve despite everything.  It is said that 'what doesnt break us, makes us stronger'.  And this certainly appears to be the case for you ..............   So well done!   And may I have the privilege of being the first to welcome you to the BB Forums.

With your experience in such a wide variation of adversity, I am sure that your desire to help others will be invaluable to so many people who come and go from this website seeking support, empathy and understanding.

But I hope it will not be all give, and no take for you.  I'm sure there will be times that you too can use the BB Forums as a support network for yourself when times are not quite so rosy for you.  Its a two way thing.

So Squeeze, settle in by reading all the threads that interest you and get to know your way around the site. Feel free to contribute to any discussion that you feel comfortable in doing so.  And for something a little lighter, check out the Community area.  There is some fun stuff to be found there as well.

I look forward to seeing you around the traps.    ( - :

Sherie xx