Abused as a child.

[Guest_322]

Hi,

I'm not sure where to start. Suffice to say, and I don't want to go into the details, that I was abused as a child by a relative. It's a little hard for me to say "abused" as there's a part of me that feels it was all so surreal. Like I had made it up in my head.

Even as I've opened up to select people in my offline life, and they've called it abuse, I still find it hard to believe. I still feel like a drama queen. I mean, it wasn't that bad.

Although I do have a whole range of trust issues and the like, I'm trying, and it's really hard. Trying to trust. Trying to take a chance on people. Trying to get through each day. And right now, trying not to cry because I've uni work to do ha, ha. I suddenly remembered something that my psychologist (have stopped seeing her for a while now) once said about how I missed out on so much as a child. That thought is upsetting.

Anyway, that's enough. I'm getting emotional and I have a lot of uni work to do.

Thanks for reading

[Guest_322]

Hi,

I have some time on my hands before a party tonight so I'm in a bit of a reflective mood.

Just trying to piece together everything. Trying to make sense of things. Things in the past. Things in the present. And of course the looming future.

My friends are my second family as my biological family hasn't been the greatest support. In fact, they have often been the root cause of my pain.

Even though I still often feel lonely (lonely in a crowded room sort of lonely), I've been extremely lucky when it comes to friendships.

I've learnt that people often respond to vulnerability. I don't mean sharing my life story with complete strangers but a bit of "I'll show you mine and you show me yours" goes a long way.

Anyway, one positive outcome that has emerged from all this is a strong will to live. Even when I feel hurt and fragile, and I don't know how and I don't know when but I know that everything will be okay again.

I think that I just needed to get my thoughts out there. Thanks for all the love.

Dottie x

[james1]

Hey Dottie,

I think it's wonderful that you can find a silver lining in your story. You've got a lot of stressors in your life to cope with and you're clearly learning from your past experiences to set yourself up for the future. That's a really important skill to have and it's great that you've learnt it already.

There's a quote from the Silver Linings Playbook movie which I think is so true.

"This is what I learned at the hospital. You have to do everything you can, you have to work your hardest, and if you do, if you stay positive, you have a shot at a silver lining."

Enjoy the party tonight. It's a well deserved break after the mid-semester assessments.

James

[Guest_322]

Hi James

Always enjoy reading your posts 😊

You're right, I'm forever learning from, re-building and reassessing things in my life. Life is for learning after all (cheesy as that sounds).

I LOVE Silverlinings Playbook. Bit of a tearjerker for me. I saw some of myself in Jennifer Lawrence's character, Tiffany, even though her story and mine are very different. But pain is pain, right?

Thanks! I am looking forward to tonight 😊

Dottie x

[Zeal]

Hi Dottie,

Your reflective post above was awesome - I seriously enjoyed reading it. I am so glad you have such strong friendships. I completely agree when you say that people respond to vulnerability. Like you, I share personal details about my own life with friends and trusted others. I have casually told a few uni friends (I don't see them outside of uni though) that I have OCD. When I say it, I don't feel ashamed at all and it comes out naturally. People take it well. I only tell certain people at uni.

In my friendship group, I've referred to my OCD in passing during conversations, but I don't mention it that frequently now (as people know me better and are aware of it). It's about finding balance in conversations sometimes. In a roundabout way, I told my boyfriend's parents I have OCD, but only about 8 months into our relationship. My boyfriend knew before we started a relationship, when we were just friends.

I remember enjoying The Silver Linings Playbook. It was a unique movie that showed mental illness in a different light. I had forgotten the female lead's name Dottie! I think I watched it soon after it came out on DVD.
That's a cool quote James. When I was in hospital (voluntary admission for an eating disorder) I also learned a great deal. I virtually don't regret anything in my life anymore, as it's all led to where I am now. Without personal psychological suffering, there is a good chance I wouldn't have realised I wanted to study psychology.

Enjoy the party Dottie 😄

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Guest_322]

Hi Zeal,

Thanks! I'm happy that you got something out of my rambling, reflective post.

Well done for putting yourself out there and opening up about your OCD to selected, trusted people. I'm glad they've taken it well as that can be so validating and encouraging.

I think it's fantastic that your boyfriend has been so supportive of your struggles, and that (I'm assuming) his family have also been accepting and supportive. You found yourself a keeper 😉

You made a really good point about finding balance in conversations. Such a precarious thing sometimes but I get what you're saying.

I'm glad you enjoyed Silverlinings Playbook too. I saw it at the cinemas with friends, and got rather choked up. Ha, ha I had to google to find out her name (I had forgotten too!)

One of the most poignant scenes for me was when Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence) and Pat (Bradley Cooper) were at a diner and she opened up to him. Then she got really upset when she felt that he was judging her and left abruptly. When they were outside, she shouted at him that she had trusted him yet he had judged her (that's when the tears started for me ha, ha).

Another memorable scene was when some guy visited Tiffany's house and Pat happened to be passing by on one of his runs (or maybe he wanted to visit- I can't remember). Pat pulled the guy aside and said:

Sometimes it's okay with girls like these. They wanna have fun and sometimes- it's not because they got a broken wing and they're hurt and they're an easy target. And in this case, in this particular case, I think that wing is being fixed. And you gotta make sure it gets mended. And you're getting in the way of that right now, okay? Because she's sensitive, she's smart, she's artistic. This is a great girl and you gotta be respectful of that.

That was well said. Kind of wish someone would have said that to my ex-boyfriend ha, ha. Not so much the compliments at the end but more the part about having a broken wing and being an easy target and that he's getting in the way of that wing being fixed.

True, there's no greater teacher than personal experience. It shows resilience that you took something away from your hospitalisation and mental health issues. As you realised, you wouldn't be the same you without those experiences and you wouldn't have found your career path if it weren't for them.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Enjoyed reading them A LOT.

Dottie x

[Just Sara]

Hi Dottie;

Definition of a drama queen - 'Cam' on TV's Modern Family! You do not fit this stereotype; not at all.

I've read everyone's posts and am so proud to be a member of such a caring community. Like most people on here, my wounds also run deep. When I joined last year, the support I received was wonderful. I finally had a place to express, vent, share and help others. It filled an almighty gap.

I'd like to take a minute to discuss trust and boundaries. In my home abuse and fear was an everyday normality. I mentioned to someone last night; "After delving into many of my failed relationships, I realised that when I felt 'love' for my partner, it was actually 'fear'." It was a most powerful statement.

I'd been reacting like a child by trying to be good enough so they'd treat me better. I was being abused but didn't realise until my 'adult' self and my survival instincts kicked in. So then I'd leave. I'd swear to never choose someone like that again, and ended up picking people that resembled other members of my family. Each one in their own way was a reflection of my childhood role models. I was never taught adequate boundaries to identify when I was close to an abuser or in danger, or what to do about it.

As a child I trusted unconditionally because I didn't know any better. My mum stayed, my dad stayed, everyone stayed with abuse as their norm. There was a sense of unlimited forgiveness; no matter the trauma or level of danger I was placed in. No-one told me it was ok to get angry and stand up for myself, and when I asked for help from extended family, they kept the family together - 'for better or worse'.

I've had to teach myself appropriate trust and boundaries to keep me safe. And; I can stay away from or hate anyone I want even if they're my family. It's not a crime, but what they did was.

Your response to your Grandmother (anger) at her funeral was more than appropriate Dottie. If a stranger kicked you in the street, you'd yell and rant. If it was your Grandmother, what would the response be? We were taught to always forgive the unforgivable. Not on!

I love your approach to life and how you've pushed yourself to shine and strive. The guilt, shame and cruelty was buried 5 yrs ago where it absolutely belongs. You are free!

Warm thoughts...Dizzy xo

[Zeal]

Hey Dottie,

Thanks again for your kind and insightful words!

My boyfriend's family are completely accepting of me, which is a great feeling. He definitely is a keeper. I have never felt so emotionally close to someone before, and we both don't want to ever be with anyone else.

That quote from Pat is awesome - those are such sweet and thoughtful words! It sounds like your ex wasn't the most caring, and for that reason, it's good you are no longer with him.

There is a movie I have been wanting to see for over a month now: it's called The Lady in the Van, starring Maggie Smith (aka. Professor McGonagall) 😛 It's loosely based on a true story, and looks interesting, hilarious and original.

I hope your day has been enjoyable so far!

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Zeal]

Hi Dizzy,

Thank you for your honest and insightful post! To have been mistreated and lived in fearful situations for years and years, and be able to openly talk about what it's taught you is amazing. I am so glad you now stand up for yourself and know that anger and other negative emotions are very much justified in these circumstances.

I loved how you wrote: "I've read everyone's posts and am so proud to be a member of such a caring community." That is such a beautiful statement, so thank you. I am also very happy and proud to be a member of this community 😄

I appreciated your reference to Cam - I love Modern Family! My favourite characters are probably Phil and Mitch.

Thanks again for your great post!

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Cornstarch]

You rock Dizzy Guillespie!!!!!!

"I can stay away from or hate anyone I want even if they're my family. It's not a crime, but what they did was."

I friggin' love this shit !!!!!!!!!!

Only child abuse victims could possibly understand​. Wholesome homes humans must be astounded. Gobsmacked. Thinking we are damaged beyond help. Ignorance truly is bliss.

Never ever let anyone force forgiveness on you. It has to be organic heirloom corn.

[Zeal]

Hi Cornstarch,

I'm glad that you can relate to Dizzy's words. I am what you called a "wholesome home human", but I do my best to understand on some level 🙂 As you said though, personal experience is a whole different story.

All the best,

Zeal