Abused as a child.

[Guest_322]

Hi,

I'm not sure where to start. Suffice to say, and I don't want to go into the details, that I was abused as a child by a relative. It's a little hard for me to say "abused" as there's a part of me that feels it was all so surreal. Like I had made it up in my head.

Even as I've opened up to select people in my offline life, and they've called it abuse, I still find it hard to believe. I still feel like a drama queen. I mean, it wasn't that bad.

Although I do have a whole range of trust issues and the like, I'm trying, and it's really hard. Trying to trust. Trying to take a chance on people. Trying to get through each day. And right now, trying not to cry because I've uni work to do ha, ha. I suddenly remembered something that my psychologist (have stopped seeing her for a while now) once said about how I missed out on so much as a child. That thought is upsetting.

Anyway, that's enough. I'm getting emotional and I have a lot of uni work to do.

Thanks for reading

[james1]

Hey Dottie

It sounds like there's still a lot of raw feeling from these memories which is unsurprising given they are still recent and the funeral a few years back would've served as a reminder.

Like Jay said, your past doesn't have to define your future but I also understand if now isn't the right time for you. Some things are healed by time, albeit slowly, while others need to be talked through in the right way with someone you trust like a psychologist or counsellor. I don't know what this one is, but I'm just glad you've given us a glimpse into what was a horrible experience for you growing up.

Your thoughts and feelings are always welcome, just as your wonderful and measured words of advice and support are on other people's threads including my own.

Thanks for being you, and I saw your post about Fight Song which I unashamedly listen to on repeat; go forth and take back that life which was stolen in your childhood. You deserve it.

James

[Guest_322]

Jay and James,

Thank you both so much! Unfortunately I'm at uni on a Friday ha, ha. I'll write a proper response later.

I've dealt with some of it with my pscychologist (not seeing her at the moment) but I might still have some unfinished business to deal with...

In Cheryl Strayed's words, "You don't have a right to the cards you believe you should have been dealt. You have an obligation to play the hell out of the ones you're holding."

Those words help keep me together a bit. I'll be alright in time...just processing.

Dottie x

[Solosombra]

Dottie

first off good for you for posting i know myself how hard it is to post up about these things.

I myself come from what most would call a dysfunctional family which resulted in childhod trauma and trust issues also.

I was also abused by a elder family member who has since passed and like you i had a sense of reflief when i found out and didnt realise the amount of fear and resentment i was carrying around.

perhaps in starting this thread you will feel it weighing less on you and the days and nights will become easier to deal with?

Hoping the best for you

Kiamau

[Guest_322]

Hi Kiamau,

Thank you so much. Your support means a lot. I know you've been through a lot. I appreciate that you get where I'm coming from. Yeah, the healing is a process indeed.

And you too, I hope the best for you too and that one day, it will hurt a little less.

Dottie

[Guest_322]

Hi Jay,

Wow, thank you so much for that really moving post. Your support means a lot.

I can't even imagine the hurt and feelings of abandonment that you must have felt when your mum upped and left. Her actions definitely left a mark.

You clearly have come a long way and I realise it was no walk in the park. It must have been a painful journey to get to where you are now. Much respect for that.

Yeah, it is oddly comforting to know that my grandma's actions weren't strictly personal. Basically anyone who had the misfortune of being related and in close proximity to her suffered.

Thanks for saying that. I feel like an odd mix of extremely fragile but also steel-like at the same time.

It's hard for me to let people in. Trust issues aside, my psychologist used to often point out how I had "emotionally raised yourself (myself)" in the sense that lacking emotional support from my parents, I learnt to lean on myself. I learnt to be my own support system, because as a child, I couldn't turn to my troubled parents. I had friends but it's not something you can just casually bring up in conversation with another child.

But I'm trying. Taking more risks. Small steps like admitting I'm having a rough day to friends.

Thanks a mill again!

Dottie

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

I always look forward to seeing your name on replies to either my own or other people's threads.

I'm glad you're enjoying Fight Song too. It's a great song.

Honestly, I don't know why I suddenly felt the need to get my story out there. Maybe I had bottled it up for too long.

Thanks for all the love and support. You're a star!

Dottie x

[blondguy]

Hi Dottie

excuse me for sticking my 'beak' in.....I just read something that you wrote that really got my attention...and if I may quote you..."I feel like an odd mix of extremely fragile but also steel-like at the same time"

I hear you loud and clear on that one! You just summed up my current feelings as per my own situation as well as your own. So well written 🙂

You are a legend Dottie....(can I borrow that quote?)

Self expression will never be an issue for you! Paulx

[Guest_322]

Hi Paul,

Aw thank you! Your post made my night. Sure, go ahead and "borrow" away ha, ha. I'm glad my you can relate to some of my feelings/words.

Thanks again,

Dottie x

[blondguy]

Hey Dottie 🙂

I have been researching anxiety/depression since 1983 since my first mega attack. Its rare to see a few words that are so meaningful and descriptive. Please send me your bill 🙂 I would be proud to pay it

"I feel like an odd mix of extremely fragile but also steel-like at the same time"

Thats a keeper!

My Best

Paulx

[Guest_322]

Hi Paul,

No worries at all. You can borrow any of my words. I feel honoured that you find meaning/comfort from them 😊

Dottie x