Abused as a child.

[Guest_322]

Hi,

I'm not sure where to start. Suffice to say, and I don't want to go into the details, that I was abused as a child by a relative. It's a little hard for me to say "abused" as there's a part of me that feels it was all so surreal. Like I had made it up in my head.

Even as I've opened up to select people in my offline life, and they've called it abuse, I still find it hard to believe. I still feel like a drama queen. I mean, it wasn't that bad.

Although I do have a whole range of trust issues and the like, I'm trying, and it's really hard. Trying to trust. Trying to take a chance on people. Trying to get through each day. And right now, trying not to cry because I've uni work to do ha, ha. I suddenly remembered something that my psychologist (have stopped seeing her for a while now) once said about how I missed out on so much as a child. That thought is upsetting.

Anyway, that's enough. I'm getting emotional and I have a lot of uni work to do.

Thanks for reading

[Guest_322]

And the worst part is even though I'm hurting, I know that I'm "containing" a large chunk of it...keeping the lid on it.

I've just been getting hits of the surface pain but why does it already hurt so much?

Dottie x

[james1]

Hey Dottie

I don't know when it ends. I guess it takes everyone different amounts of time and it could be a while. Especially if it has been such a big part of our lives as has been the case for you. But one thing I do know is it ends some time after we start talking about it and from what you've said, that's a process you've been through and are still going through at the moment.

I'm sorry. I don't have any useful advice or words of comfort. I just wanted to let you know that someone got your SOS loud and clear and wants to just sit next to you and be there with you.

James

[Cornstarch]

It's hard having realistic expectations of our emotional life sometimes. We get impatient, we look around and observe others lightness and it feels crap. But the reality is she was one of your primary attachments. That's primal. And if my memory serves me correctly it doesn't sound like your own parents were very switched on to the effects this may have had on your emotional life. I mean, it's not really only emotions about your grandma it's also emotions about your parents. To the 5 year old self it feels like everyone 'was in on it'. Not that they were cheer squads, but when you are that undeveloped everyone feels like a complicit bystander. I thought my teachers knew, I thought all my mates parents knew, I thought my grandparents knew, even my siblings! And to top it off he was soldier, so I felt like my entire country approved of his actions and still honour his 'courage' by depicting him as an Australian icon. Try telling Australians that you hate ANZAC day! It is someone in authority, our nervous systems our built on tribal symbolism.

As you said in your other post Dots, its complex grief.

You were a wee little button at the time.

I don't think your age is very relevant right now, I mean you feel what you feel. When I was 12 I made friends with an awesome couple that I've reconnected with after they moved away that were in their 20s. From the outside people judging would have thought I was a very odd child, but I connected with them so deeply and the oddest part is I didn't even feel younger than them. Just because your 20, to me is completely irrelevant. I don't bother asking people's ages. I know 50 years olds that have the emotional maturity of a 10 year old, everyone has an energy about them, you can kind of pick up on stuff like that in the first few seconds of meeting them.

You've mentioned Uni friends, maybe it is healthy to have friends that you hang out with and all that stuff is 'contained,' so you can have fun and be silly, and not feel like a Dinosaur every day. But do you have friends that match your inner life?

[Just Sara]

Dearest Dottie;

I was wondering when you'd come out of your shell. 'Metaphor'...a grain of sand falls into the opening of an oyster. Slowly the sand is covered by hard protective layers over and over until it's too big to hold within the oyster shell and has to come out. It is beautiful! Shiny and rare; protected by yrs of hard work and ready to journey out of its confines. This feels raw and new, but the pearl is ready to face the unknown.

You hide your pain so well while posting and helping others to address their pain. That's the easy part; helping ourselves triggers childhood stuff. We were taught to do what we were told and not to challenge it. Each time we decide to push ourselves to excel regardless of our past, 'their' comments and intimidating voices remind us 'we're still small' causing our child and adult to create internal conflict.

Parenting ourselves is the problem. When we do this, we just repeat what we know. Being an independent adult and taking control of situations is the goal. Keeping focus in the 'now', mindfulness, trains our minds to stop the transmitters and receptors firing to overstimulate. Living on adrenaline and cortisol becomes so normal, so any calm will challenge the best of us...(chemical) addiction to drama. Don't forget we're organisms too. We're built to self heal, but societal norms and PTSD throws this wonderful process out the window.

Dottie, it's trial and error through living each day with 'intent'; treating ourselves with kindness, gentleness and patience...the way we should've been treated as children. It's ok to spill the milk, trip and fall, or get 5 marks less than expected. "It's not the end of the world" Count your successes and skills. Those attributes will save you from yourself and the voices from your past.

Trust you! Do for yourself what you do for others here on BB. You so deserve it! You are a beautiful pearl of wisdom trained thru pain and submission. No psych student from a functional background could ever offer this beauty.

The best thing about being an adult? We can get angry whenever we want!! Get angry babe...let the beast out! Give your wounded child the room to vent; she surely deserves it. Beat a pillow while laying on your bed (in safety) and allow your 'primal scream' to free up some head space. You won't regret it..give 'her' a voice.

I want so much to reach thru the screen and give you amazing virtual hugs...Love Dizzy xoxo Mwah!

[Guest_322]

James,

Thank you for looking out for me from day 1. You're apparently not only good at stats- self appointed King of Stats, after all- but a really good friend too.

Cornstarch and Dizzy...

You 2 are incredible, you know that right?

This Kidult has lots to say (if she can find the words). I'll write back in a bit.

A 1001 thank yous!

Dottie xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[Guest_322]

Cornstarch and Dizzy...

You 2 are incredible, you know that right?

This Kidult has lots to say (if she can find the words).

I'll write back in a bit.

A 1001 thank yous!

Dottie xoxoxoxox

You 2 are incredible, you know that right?

This Kidult has lots to say (if she can find the words). I'll write back in a bit.

A 1001 thank yous!

Dottie xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Cornstarch and Dizzy...

You 2 are incredible, you know that right?

This Kidult has lots to say (if she can find the words). I'll write back in a bit.

A 1001 thank yous!

Dottie xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[Zeal]

Hey Dottie,

I hope you are doing well.

The other day I was wishing I had been more present and supportive on this thread. This topic/situation is one which I cannot offer personal advice for. However, I will be learning about these kinds of trauma when I study counselling, so that will improve my ability to give advice and support.

Thank you for being a caring and lively friend to so many on the forum 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[blondguy]

Hey Dottie

you will never be alone here...

Paulx

[Guest_322]

Guys...thank you.

Zeal, I really appreciate your words of support. Yeah, I do make the, uh, Friends Cafe more lively with my virtual parties (basically an excuse for me to go nuts with the food and celebration emoticons on my phone ha, ha) 😉

You are going to be an amazing counsellor, Zeal! Wait, does that mean you got into your Masters course (is this a cue for me to throw another virtual party)?

But fun stuff aside, I'm feeling...I don't even know how I'm feeling. Although your visiting me on this thread means a lot.

Paul, aw you have supported me from the early days...often believing in me when I doubted myself. Salute to a legend 😊

Dottie xoxoxoxo

[Guest_322]

Hi Cornstarch,

Your posts leave me for dead. Where on earth did you come from? But wherever that may have been, I'm really glad you're on these forums. Thanks for coming back btw.

You're so astute that it's both impressive and scary at the same time. Maybe you really are psychic as you once said...

Having an abusive father who was also a celebrated soldier: another mindf**k. That's right, you go get mad. You have every right not to celebrate ANZAC day. You have every right to hate that day. It must be hard to have a voice when it goes against the grain; dare you be "un-Australian."

My parents had their own issues. Dad was also abused by my grandma (his mum) when he was a kid yet in some really messed up way (that makes no logical sense whatsoever), they continued to live together even after he got married and had me. Grandma and dad had a bizarre, co-dependent, volatile relationship. My family made no sense.

Dad rarely mentioned the abuse that he suffered. Occasionally he would mention the violence that he grew up with. But I heard about it mostly from other relatives; grandma's ways was no big secret in the family. Everyone knew but no one ever did anything. I guess the attitude was family stays together, for better or for worse. Plus it was accepted that it was just what "she did." It was normal- she just had a "bad temper."

But she was charming to the outside world. My school friends LOVED her.

Mum was depressed and in her own head. To her credit, she was the one who paid for most of my 4 years of therapy.

So yeah...that was my family. Only child.

You really know how to get to the heart of things. No, I don't really have friends who match my inner life. I have friends and they're mostly great but I generally can't share too much with them for various reasons. Lonely in a crowed room.

That's a good point about age not necessarily being a good indicator of maturity. I guess it's more about the connection and understanding. You're right there.

Cornstarch, I don't know why you're so perceptive. It is very scary ha, ha.

Thank you so much. For everything. You really are an amazing person 😊

Dottie xoxoxoxo