Abused as a child.

[Guest_322]

Hi,

I'm not sure where to start. Suffice to say, and I don't want to go into the details, that I was abused as a child by a relative. It's a little hard for me to say "abused" as there's a part of me that feels it was all so surreal. Like I had made it up in my head.

Even as I've opened up to select people in my offline life, and they've called it abuse, I still find it hard to believe. I still feel like a drama queen. I mean, it wasn't that bad.

Although I do have a whole range of trust issues and the like, I'm trying, and it's really hard. Trying to trust. Trying to take a chance on people. Trying to get through each day. And right now, trying not to cry because I've uni work to do ha, ha. I suddenly remembered something that my psychologist (have stopped seeing her for a while now) once said about how I missed out on so much as a child. That thought is upsetting.

Anyway, that's enough. I'm getting emotional and I have a lot of uni work to do.

Thanks for reading

[Cornstarch]

Thank god you are.

I don't want to live in a world where everyone is abused.

xx

[Guest_322]

Hi Dizzy,

Wow, thank you so much for your post. I'm rather overwhelmed by the incredible support you've given me. Thank you.

I agree that this forum is an amazing community. It's a very nurturing place- it's healing. For me, it's often a home away from home.

I have to admit that my heart lurched a little when you talked about how it easy it is to fall into vicious cycles of unhealthy relationships. Because it's all we knew. We mimic and repeat (even if it hurts us. Even if it's bad for us). If our role models weren't the best, well, we often end up looking for people exactly like them. For better or for worse. Because those dynamics- no matter how unhealthy- is familiar.

I think you've come a long way. I can't imagine it was easy to break that cycle of falling into the same, hurtful relationships.

"I can stay away from or hate anyone I want even if they're my family. It's not a crime, but what they did was."

Wow, those words blew me away. It kind of made me want to cry (still does). Not from sadness but from gratitude that you get it. Not that I need anyone's "permission" to be angry at my grandma. But whether you realise it not, those words helped validate my often conflicted feelings towards my grandma.

I'm so glad you're on this forum.

Dottie x

[Guest_322]

Hi Zeal,

I'm really glad your boyfriend's family have been so amazing about everything. Sounds like it's not just him but his whole family are keepers; good genes ha, ha. You struck gold, my friend 😊

My ex and I were just bad for each other. Words to sum it up: constant emotional push/pull.

I love Cam too! Big hearted (if a little melodramatic ha, ha).

Oooh I've seen the trailer for The Lady In The Van. It looks really good!

Thanks! No beach today- bad weather (pulls sad face).

Catch ya around BB!

Dottie x

[Guest_322]

Hi Cornstarch,

Oh my goodness, that sense of humour of yours. Thanks for being you ha, ha.

Dottie x

[Cornstarch]

It gets me in trouble.

I want it to get me more dates.

[Guest_322]

Hi again Dizzy.

Forgot to mention this in my first reply.

Your response to your Grandmother (anger) at her funeral was more than appropriate Dottie. If a stranger kicked you in the street, you'd yell and rant. If it was your Grandmother, what would the response be? We were taught to always forgive the unforgivable. Not on!

Thank you. You're really good at getting it and the whole validation thing.

Dottie x

[Just Sara]

Hey Dottie;

You're so welcome! As I've said before, it's nice to think I'm helping in some way. Your comments validate me too. I'm constantly learning about my cycles and patterns. To be able to pass this on is a gift.

There are still those in my circle that need to be ousted. I figure it's me or them. It's been me for too long; I need people who want to support me instead of feed off me. I'm getting stronger by the day; living it as well as thinking it.

You express as someone who's on track and willing to self assess and accept personal accountability (not for what 'they' did) for who and what you want in your realm 'today and in the future'. It isn't easy, but courage and determination to move away from dysfunction towards independence, will give peace. I wish you well in your endeavours. FYI..have seen 'Lady in the Van'. It was a bit slow and not what I expected, but not bad all the same. Let us know what you thought of it. Cheers...D

Zeal;

Thankyou so much...it's nice to know I'm heard and validated by such caring people. Yes...Cam's a buzz! So's the show. I was hooked the very 1st episode. It's a shame people are rared on TV as their babysitter, though it was good as an escape. I didn't see much about functional life, but it gave me a love of science and doco's. I guess it's a go-to place for referencing and stereotype's. Most households (except Corny) have a TV. Cheers...D

Hi Corny...precious lady, you're a buzz too! Witty, expressive and intelligent. Great mix..

Well wishes to all...Dizzy xoxo

[Just Sara]

Sorry...just wanted to add something about what you said re ending up with the same people all the time. I think, and I could be wrong, we do this so we can learn to change. Those people are the perfect training ground to try different ways to address my patterns. It's not just about their behaviour, it's about me staying, and staying, and staying. Learning to protect and save myself from those people is the main issue. Then recognising those people and walking before I engage would be the ultimate.

Dizzy xo

[Guest_322]

Hi Dizzy,

Your strength and lessons learnt certainly comes across in your writing. Bruised not broken is what I like to think 😊

That's a good point about recognising and not engaging. It's a work in progress, isn't it?

Cool, I'll let you know my thoughts on the movie when I see it.

Thanks again!

Dottie x

[Guest_322]

Hi again,

I thought that my other post would be my last post on this thread because in my (somewhat delusional, impatient) mind, I like to think that this grandma thing will never be revisited again.

As much as I tell myself that I'm fine. As much as I do what I need to do. As much as I try my best to keep it all together. Sometimes it gets a bit much.

I'm 20 yet I feel both 5 and 50 at the same time. The pain that I feel lurking there is excruciating.

I spent 15 years of my life under the same roof as my grandma; 10 of which, I had to share the same room with her. Those 10 years were hell. I don't know where she began and I ended. There was literally no boundary.

Then when she passed away when I was 15, I spent the next 4 years at weekly sessions with my psychologist. So I spent 19 of my 20 years with her at the forefront; even when she died, she was still very much present (still is very much present) in my life.

Not sure what this post will do other than to send an SOS out there as Dottie is hurting. A lot. Can someone please tell me when this ends (sighs)?

Dottie x