10+ years married, kids, leaving, anxiety, abuse

[Lou100]

I have been married over 10 years and we have a gorgeous family together. There were some red flags at the start of the relationship, but he was also the most loving, caring person I had ever met, and he made me feel amazing, always had my back and we made plans for our future.

On and off I saw his hysterical/tantrum side, but it always followed with apologies and promises. He picked the wrong girl to try to stand over though as I'm not a submissive kind of person.. At the start I would try to calm him down with reassuring words but soon realised that this never worked when he was in a rage. So years later whenever I saw this behaviour I'd roll my eyes, tell him off and/or walk away. When he has tried to stand over me physically I would retaliate with a rage much more furious than his so this side of him never escalated much further. He has settled a bit over the years, but still there's ups and downs.. he goes from having pure contempt towards me, calling me names, saying I'm disgusting and he hates me to then apologising again and making promises again. He was busted on a dating site over a year ago, and when I kicked him out there was the fear that he was suicidal, and anyone that phoned him got a blubbering mess of a man who could barely get a word out. I took him back. He made promises, said he'd see a psychologist about his issues. Weeks went on and it never happened, I kept asking for him to see someone but he never did.

I've threatened to leave him MANY times, and when I say it I 100% mean it... but each time he manages to convince me. It has been different the past 2 to 3 months. I had a massive panic attack a few months ago and started taking a daily anxiety pill.. Prior to this I had a couple panic attacks, but smaller ones which I never thought were much of an issue. I never thought I was actually suffering from anxiety as I am happy with my life other that a roller coaster relationship, and sometimes I work too hard and forget how to wind down. I've continued to feel better everyday since seeking help, and my thought process is clearer. I REALLY intend on leaving my husband. I have spoken to my psychologist about it, and have started looking at rentals. BUT there is that tinge of guilt and when I watch him playing and cuddling his kids I still see that beautiful side to him.. It's such a shame. There's no trust. There's a lot of broken promises. The thought of leaving him makes me feel like a weight has been lifted.

[YellowPoppy]

Firstly can I say that by you are such a strong and brave person. Just from. How you write I can feel your strength.

You haven't asked f or any advice so I assume you just want to get your thoughts o it of your head.

Stay strong Lou100

[Croix]

Dear Lou100~

I'm glad you have sought hep and have a psychologist to talk with . Having someone else is a big thing, it is so easy to doubt one's own actions and motives.

People are not the inexhaustible well of strenght that they assume, and your having panic attacks is something that you should not have to live with. I suspect that you may be a more forgiving and tolerant person than is good. After all you have allowed him back and despite provocation not ended the relationship.

Yes it is a pity when you look at him with the kids as it brings on a layer of guilt. sadly break-ups have a lot of that. However there is a difference between breaking up from someone who is trying as hard as possible, taking responsibility for his ways and seeking help, and someone who simply goes on as before. In this latter case all the burden falls on you.

So if you feel a weight has been lifted that may be a sign it is time that burden was gone.

Mind you, sometimes a separation can make someone realise they need to change, other times not.

As YellowPoppy says I doubt you are seeking advice, more confirmation, or at least some voices to bounce ideas off.

Please let us how how you go

Croix

[geoff]

Hi Lou, thanks for coming to the forums and posting your comment.

I don't need to say too much here, but if you are determined to leave him for various reasons mentioned, this won't stop him from having his 'playful' time with the kids.

They may not understand why you want to leave, parents disagree and argue but they may not know the real meaning behind all of this, however, they will eventually cope, and whether leaving means separation or a divorce has to be a decision made by you or him.

It's better for the kids to have 2 happy parents not living together, than two unhappy ones who are forced to be under the one roof.

There are issues that need to be sorted out now and even in the future, but I give you strength because if my wife (ex) and I were still married then life would be different, compared to today, where we both speak to each other and may see one another in a much better way.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Lou100]

Thank you for your comments and insight. I’ve taken the next step and have locked in a rental property, lease starts in 2 weeks. He is accepting it for the first time ever as he knows I’m serious. I’m making it as easy as possible for him to stay in our home, keep nearly all furniture, as it’s my decision so I’m starting fresh.. don’t want any arguments. Kids will be with us an even amount of time. Etc etc.. I feel good about this decision. He seems to think it’s temporary but I told him if there’s no changes then it’s permanent... I don’t have high hopes of him seeing a professional or getting help, he seems to think he’s perfect in every way.

Thanks again for the comments it is reassuring to hear other opinions.

[Croix]

Dear Lou~

Your arrangements are very thoughtful, considerate and very brave too. I think so far as what you can do your children will have the best outcome possible, it is up to him to make it the same from his side.

Can I suggest that while leaving a lot of materiel things behind not to neglect yourself, if you have a favorite easy chair- take it, plus anything else that you might need. Starting afresh can be a little easier with a few of the things going with you that made life easier/more acceptable before

Please let us know how you are going

Croix