Women from diverse backgrounds trapped in abusive relationships not knowing where to seek help.

[Donte]

Tonight has been one of the many nights that my neighbors have been fighting and even though I cannot understand their language it has been so distressing that I had to called the police once again. This is a regular occurence. Things quieten a bit for a while and then the violence starts again. The police arrives regularly next door. Everyone knows about this and sometimes the neighbors may talk about it but the mother of two who doesn't speak English hardly talks to anyone and no one really knows how to help her apart from calling 000 when things get very bad.

Many women are trapped in abusive marriages for decades before finally fleeing from their controlling partners. This happens in every culture and all religious and socioeconomic spheres. However, when women come from patriarchal, male-dominated cultures and religious backgrounds were they are viewed as 'helpers' or lesser than their husbands, then it can be much harder for them, and may take much longer to leave and end the relationship. If they don't speak English and depend on their partners for financial support then simply can't afford to leave. Many remain in marriages that are toxic, for many years as they believe it is god's will or in their children’s best interests. It is a great shock to go from being financially secure to homeless.

Sadly, this situation is one echoed in countless households across the country within every community, with many women in toxic relationships facing an agonising dilemma — stay and face more abuse, or leave and face judgement and persecution from your own community, and poverty and homelessness.

People stay in marriages for different reasons, but everyone gets a financial reality check when they separate. Non-English speaking women in abusive and violent relationships may find it harder to leave but despite the hardship there are a range of support services available to them, including the police multicultural liaison officers, Relationships Australia, women’s shelters, churches and women’s legal services.

According to White Ribbon Australia, one in three women have experienced physical and/or sexual violence at the hands of someone they know, and one woman is killed per week by a current or former partner in Australia today, while domestic and family violence is the main cause of homelessness in women and children.

If you or someone you love is impacted by sexual assault or family violence, call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732). In an emergency, call 000.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Donte’,

I don’t really have much to add except I think this is a great thread for an important topic.

What I personally want to highlight is your point on how domestic violence (DV) isn’t just about the abuse itself but it’s about a whole range of other issues that fuel the abuse. You mentioned some of them, such as, financial dependence, patriarchial cultures, etc.

Pepper xo

[Peppermintbach]

Sorry, I just wanted to clarify when I used financial dependence as an example of something that “fuels” domestic violence. What I meant was not that financial dependence itself causes DV but, as you said, it means financially dependent spouses are more likely to stay in abusive relationships if they have no source of their own income, it’s easier for abusive partners/spouses to use finance as a way to control their partner, etc.

This is particularly pertinent in cultures where married women are discouraged to work and remain in the home. While there is nothing wrong with this arrangement if these women freely chose this path, it’s an issue if they only chose this path out of pressure and expectation.

I feel as though I’m being really inarticulate today so I’ll just leave things here.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper xo

[Donte]

Hi Pepper,

Thank you. That’s a very important point: not only about the abuse itself but what fuels it. Also, I need to add that even though women are mostly victims of abuse, many men are also abused by their partners. In fact 1 in 3 victims of domestic violence are male. There is also a lot of unreported violence in sane-sex couples.

In all situations there is a repeated pattern and history of abuse and a variety of factors contribute and ‘fuel’ the escalation of violence with a predominant one the codependent nature of the relationship.

[Donte]

That is very well said Pepper!

In cultures or religious settings where the role of a woman is limited in childbearing and raising children and serving as a helper or inferior to her husband, it is easier for wives to be less independent and seek education or employment options. This can make them depended on their husbands. Many cultures and religions propagate this as the only right way for a woman to live.

Patriarchal, monotheistic abrahamic religions and cultures in particular, predominantly are responsible for perpetuating these notions which make women more vulnerable and at risk.

Luckily, the more people integrate with others in cross cultural relationships the more empowered women may become and encouraged to be in charge of their lives, their bodies and their sexuality and their relationships.

In Australia, many oppressed women can find freedom to be and break away from the chains of their religious or cultural backgrounds. It takes time of course and not everyone is interested or capable to break away.

One can only hope that more choices are given to our girls today in our multicultural setting and no one is forced to live a life that diminishes their human rights and freedoms. Still long way to go though and the path is not easy.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Donte’ and all readers,

As always, It’s good to hear from you again 🙂

True, I agree with you that it’s important to highlight that men and couples in same-sex relationships also experience domestic violence. Yes, there’s generally a common pattern of abusive behaviours by the perpetrator.

I also agree that cultural norms and expectations of women’s roles can make women highly dependent on other family members, and if combined with lower levels of education and/or language difficulties, it can make it particularly challenging to try to leave an abusive relationship. Having said that though, I think it’s always difficult to leave, no matter what the cultural background happens to be. But I feel language barriers, a lack of a support network in Australia, etc means there might be additional challenges to seeking help.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper xo

[Donte]

Thanks Pepper,

That’s true. Abuse and violence happens everywhere no matter what the cultural background and it has many forms. It’s hard to leave the abusive relationship for a variety of reasons and codependency and controlling/exerting power over another is a major one, together with finances and other reasons that increase dependency. I guess that’s why often people who escape one abusive relationship develop a new one and another and another...

Unless the person looks hard at themselves and are prepared to do a lot of work on an emotional and psychological level to identify and change patterns and replace with healthy, respectful relational ways then it is likely that the violence will be perpetuated and continue with each new partner.

Mental health issues together with substance abuse, employment and other challenges will always make the person more vulnerable and disadvantaged.

It is a cycle. And it is vicious. It takes time and commitment and determination to work really hard and go against all odds to develop a new path that is healthier and positive.

Many still achieve this despite the unpleasant hard work that needs to take place and reach a place of content and live calm, safe, productive lives that nurture them and others. But it is a process and it doesn’t happen overnight, that’s for sure.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Donte’ and all readers,

It’s always good to hear from you. Yes, I agree with you about how there’s often a vicious cycle, not only for people who are currently in an abusive relationship but sometimes for people who end up in multiple abusive relationships as well.

I feel there is the also the issue of adults who experienced child abuse. I know these people are generally more at risk of ending up in abusive relationships as adults.

That’s not to say all adults who were abused as children will end up in repeated cycles of abuse but they do have an elevated risk. Similarly, not all people who had happy and safe childhoods are “immune” from ending up in abusive relationships either. I suppose my point is about what factors increase a person’s risk...

I think a person from a CALD background may have additional challenges if domestic violence is “normalised” (not that it’s ever okay) or considered completely taboo to even discuss in their culture. Some people may not even realise they are being abused in some cases or feel too “ashamed” to speak up. Or not know who or where to turn to...

It’s a complex issue and I don’t even know where to start...

Pepper xo

[Donte]

Wondering if English-speking women who have been in similar situations are able to share their wisdom to support culturally and linguistically diverse women. Simply as violence doesn’t discriminate, and as sometimes we can all learn from each other.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Donte’ and all readers,

That is a good suggestion and could potentially be very effective 🙂

As I said, I don’t really have any answers. Perhaps the best starting point is raising the status of women to be considered as equals to men, and to preferably introduce this notion as early as possible e.g. in the childhood home where girls are raised to be equals to boys.

By equal, I mean for women and men (and any other gender identification) to be afforded the same human rights and respect: where no one is pressured/coerced/indoctrinated/etc into playing a “role “purely because of one’s biological gender at birth.

Sadly, this isn’t always the case for a lot of women especially women from CALD backgrounds where sons are favoured over daughters (purely because they are male and can “carry the family name”, etc).

In my Asian heritage, sons are traditionally favoured over daughters. This preference still exists today. Sometimes older family members pressure younger women to try for sons if they have only given birth to daughter(s). To be honest, I find this very upsetting and it angers me.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper