Feeling empty and hopeless

[ssmx]

G'day,

I am very new to this and I have never talked to anyone about this before.

A little bit about me:

I am 26YO, originally from middle east - a country where being gay is punishable by death. I am happily partnered but I live away from my partner since I work overseas in Singapore at the moment. I am not out to my family but I'm out to everyone else. I am fairly confident and comfortable about my sexuality and I'm not in denial, I just don't want to hurt my parents who live overseas in Iran by telling them. I am not even sure if how I'm feeling is related to my sexuality at all. I have gone through a lot in my life, including living away from family, breaking up with a long term partner, and having a serious injury due to an accident, experiencing chronic back pain for years (Which is better now, I exercise very often and I am in very good physical shape. )

I used to have a positive perspective about life, I was usually pretty happy and an extraverted person who loved meeting people and enjoyed life very much.

For 3-4 years now, I feel like I don't enjoy life as much as I used to. I get angry and lose my temper over small stuff and I don't enjoy the things and activities that I used to love. I find it very hard to meet new people or talk to people, something that I was very good at before. I feel negative and pessimistic about everything and I see the worst in every situation. Even about my closest friends and partner/family. I feel like life is meaningless and everything is pointless, and I feel like most people are just assholes. I feel hopeless and empty most of the time. Nowadays I hate crowds so even being in a bar/night club makes me nervous and anxious. on rare occasions, I feel like everything would have been easier if I wasn't alive. I was exactly the opposite of this a few years ago.

I feel like I have achieved everything that I dreamt of a decade ago. Living in Australia, somewhere that I could really be myself, having an extremely successful career, and being in good financial position, and found a very nice man to call my partner. But even most of my dreams coming true doesn't make me happy.

I know I am experiencing signs of anxiety and depression, but I don't know how to get help. I am even pessimistic about talking to a professional about this as I feel they'll just put me on happy pills that won't help and will just get me hooked on. I was hoping to get some help/guidance in here or being pointed to the right direction.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi ssmx,

I would like to extend a caring welcome to you to the forums 🙂 I’m sorry it has taken a little while for you to get a response. It’s not a reflection on you but sometimes it accidentally happens.

You have clearly, as you said, been through a lot. It must be painful to keep your sexuality hidden from your parents. I can’t pretend to understand how you feel but I would think you must feel very conflicted. Torn between coming out to them or not telling them must be difficult...

Things must have changed so much in recent years. You sound like you used to be such an outgoing person who had a real love of life. Now it seems that you’re surrounded by dark clouds...

I understand you feel skeptical about professionals but dare I suggest you might like to give them a go. Sure, it’s possible that a doctor might prescribe you meds.

If it comes to that, maybe raise your concerns with your doctor. I’m not an expert but I think doctors generally don’t prescribe really strong meds that often. Even if they do precribe very strong meds in rare circumstances, they will do so carefully and monitor their patients as they have a duty of care. I hope maybe that reassures you a little...

Also, if you’re not so keen on meds, there is also the option of therapy with a counsellor, psychologist or social worker. Perhaps it’s something you could consider.

If you see a GP, you could ask for an extended appointment for a mental health treatment plan. Your GP can then assess your mental health and decide if you’re eligible for Medicate rebateable sessions with a psychologist.

Alternatively, you could just try contacting a psychologist or counsellor directly (except you just won’t be entitled to the rebateable sessions). Perhaps scroll down on this BeyondBlue page, and click on the link that says “Find a professional.”

Good on you for reaching out here. I’m glad you’re trying to help yourself. You seem like an intelligent and self aware person, and if you like to (no pressure), it would be great to hear from you again.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

[Croix]

Dear Ssmx~
Welcome here. As Pepper says it sometimes happens people are not answered straight away. This is no reflection either on you or your post, just the way it works out sometimes. Talking about your situation to a bunch of strangers can be very hard, however this place is secure and has lots of people that relate and would help if they can. So posting is a pretty good first step.

You sound as if you have a very hard life in some ways and I’m glad for you that you have the love of a partner, a secure financial position and more recently good physical health. For many it can come as a surprise when life seems pretty good for feelings of anxiety and being less able to cope starts.

There sometimes seems no rhyme or reason for it – at least on the surface. I do think both your work and your past history may influence how you are feeling, and also that you should consider medical help. You really do need your life to improve and go back to being someone who enjoys life.

Nobody is going to pretend that all medical help is perfect, I guess it’s like many things in life, you have to be in charge and ensure that what you get is what you need. That being said I could only improve (I’ve PTSD, anxiety and had bouts of depression) with the support of GPs, psychiatrists, medications and therapy. For me it has been a long term thing, once stability was more or less achieved than maintenance was needed. I’ve not had anything that might be described as ‘happy pills’ and the effect my meds have on me is only really noticeable if I stop them as symptoms rear up again.

Like me I would think you can go back to having life with enjoyment, satisfaction, achievement and love.

Being away from your partner working overseas is not always the best. The constant presence and love of another can make a world of difference – to both people. I’ve found when away a sense of isolation does build up, one reason I’m a stay-at-home type nowadays.

Although I have no direct experience I’d imagine the attitude or your original country, who would not accept you and was capable of such inhuman acts, would have had a very great influence on you, leaving you in an isolating and perilous situation. I know just wearing a mask with family and friends to hide depression and anxiety can make one feel very much alone, generating feelings that become lack of self-esteem and worth.

I do hope this place becomes one you feel comfortable talking in

Croix

[Donte]

Hello ssmx,

Welcome to the multicultural experiences forum.

I hear you loud and clear.

I'm almost double in years however, I have come to exactly the same realisation long ago.

May I suggest that perhaps there is nothing wrong with realising that the world around you is an awful place and you wish to not partake in it as much as you used to? We grow up. What we used to like we don't anymore. The gay scene can be mostly superficial, alienating and soul-destroying (my experience). There is nothing wrong with you. You just becoming aware of the ugliness that permeates everything.

It is a beautiful place to be when you realise that everything you desired and worked for, you have now achieved. The joy is in the search. The search for significance, meaning and purpose. The excitement is in the anticipation, the effort, the sacrifices we make to get there. Once we arrive, is time to depart again, for other new and amazing adventures awaiting us.

I think having supports around you can help you in deciphering what's important and where to from now. Can you think of a time when you have helped someone else? How did that feel? It usually feels good! Think about this the next time you need to ask for help but you hesitate.

Maybe ask a friend or your partner to help you reach a goal. An example might be improving a skill or learning a new one. Make a plan together, with small steps that will help you get closer to the goal every day. Thank the person who you speak with for their support – let them know that they have helped.

You've been through so much in your life so far even if you are still young. What’s the best thing someone has done for you? Some things that people have said or done for us stand out as having been very special -you may have even thought that “it saved my life” at the time. Remembering these experiences may help us by reminding us that we are not alone, that there are people who are caring and can offer us support or that we are loved and lovable.

Remembering things that have helped us can also give us a clue as to the kind of support that we find most valuable.

How can you nurture the relationships you value? Who might be able to help you and how? Who might you express thanks to?

Who is in your life that you are closest to and you trust? Who do you like to meet up with and spend time with?
Who do you know that might be important in some way? How do they help you? How do you help them?

Often is not only about taking medications...

[ssmx]

Thank you very much for your replies. I read them all, and it warms my heart. It's great to know that there are people out there that care.

I started talking to a psychologist in Singapore last week, but I'm not sure if it will be helpful. I'm a bit skeptical about it. It's just weird sitting in a room, paying someone and talking to them about my problems - someone who's doesn't know me and has nothing in common with me so cannot necessarily relate to me.

But I have enough common sense to be willing to give it a shot and have a couple of more sessions to see if it helps.

Again, I do appreciate your support !

[Donte]

Hello ssmx,

I'm glad to hear that you are taking steps to receiving support and you are giving counselling a go despite the fact it feels weird or awkward. I'm also happy to see you back in this forum which could provide another type of support like sharing thoughts, ideas, views and experiences with peers who have similar issues and are here for you.

I often felt like this also attending counselling and I stopped and started again at a later point and have changed many counsellors until I could find one that suited me and I felt comfortable with. I see counselling as a gift I give to myself as it allows me to speak without being judged in a safe and professional environment with a Counsellor who is bound by privacy and won't criticize me or take sides. The fact that they don't know you and are not emotionally involved means they can be neutral and take your word for whatever you describe.

Counselling is by no means for everyone and for all situations or times, however, giving it a go now you allow yourself to give a go tackling and addressing your issues. Well done. Keep engaging until you won't need it anymore. 🙂

[Peppermintbach]

Hi ssmx,

Thank you so much for responding 🙂 What a lovely response too..

I feel Donte’ made some great points about how counselling is often a case of trial and error as you probably won’t connect with all psychologists, and how counselling may or may not be for everyone.

But I suppose the only way you’ll know if it’s for you or not is to give it a go. Good on you for taking charge of your own mental health by seeking support/help. That’s wonderful to hear.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper