What's expected in your community if a child returns to the family home?

[Donte]

One of the issues within many non-English speaking communities is the phenomenon of ‘Boomerang Children’ - adult children who return to the family home after a personal crisis, marriage breakdown, loss of employment, mental health breakdown or other illness etc.

This is a global phenomenon, seen not just among culturally and linguistically diverse communities. However, the impact may be worse if an elderly parent doesn't speak English, is unable to seek help and/or navigate the system and is not aware of their rights. Often also, community expectations of a 'collectivist' culture make it harder for the individual to speak up and have their needs heard.

Today in Australia, almost ½ of adult children aged 20-35 are still living at home with their parents. Majority are male; living with a single parent and have returned home as opposed to never moved out. This figure is from the latest Census. This trend is particularly high in the non-English speaking migrant communities. Culture, religion, values etc may encourage such behavior.

This happens mainly because the cost of living nowadays is so high and due to cultural and religious notions that reinforce the view that a 'child' should live at home until they get married.

High levels of unemployment, breakdown of relationships, divorce and addictive behaviors such as gambling, alcohol and drug abuse making it even harder for people to live independently, so the parental home is used as a back-up or safety net.

There are definitely advantages for both parties, but there can also be a number of disadvantages for the non-English speaking elderly particularly, especially if there’s no financial contribution on the 'child’s' side, so the elderly parents are drained financially. Elderly parents often become victims of abusive behavior, manipulation, financial abuse and even physical threats and violence. The adult child can often be evoke parental guilt. In many cases 'boomerang' children become controlling and socially isolate the elderly parent.

Of course there are also disadvantages for the ‘boomerang child’ such as a loss of space, routine, lack of privacy, change of lifestyle and habits, not being able to have the house to themselves as the elderly parent may not go out often, having to be accountable and being treated as a ‘child’ again, challenges around becoming a carer of an elderly parent with complex health issues etc.

What's expected in your community if a child returns to the family home?

[kanga_brumby]

Haven't you posted this before?

I am a 4th-6th generation Aussie. With English, Scottish, Northern Ireland, Southern Ireland, Dutch, and to finish off the managery Northern Italian ( Lombardi). Within my family cousins and all. If one of the immediate rellows needs help, if you have nothing pressing on it's drop what ever and help. Most of my siblings have forgotten this recently. they have forgotten the lessons our farther taught.

Given time they will remember, and pay the piper his due. I know I have payed the price, and get my real reward when the time is right. My reward will be one hundred times that of some. But I want for nothing.

Kanga

[Donte]

Hi Kanga-brumby,

I honestly can’t remember! You may be right.

I tend to forget easily these days as I’m under enormous amounts of stress and severely depressed and anxious.

Many people tell me that I forget and repeat myself.

Have to look back at the threads and double/check.

Thank you X

[Hayfa]

Hi kanga-brumby

You're quite right, I posted a thread earlier on about children living at home and CALD parents wanting them to stay home for as long as possible since it is tradition and cultural appropriation.

Bless you for your lovely attitude in helping your relatives when they are in need, I am sure that you will come back a thousand-fold for you.
There are so many pressures on families in this day and age that may make it hard to support relatives in need, sometimes it's not always possible but where it is, is such a lovely thing to do.

Hayfa

[Donte]

Hello Kanga_brumby,

I just remembered the thread Hayfa posted earlier (hi Hayfa), about whether adult children should stay or not stay at home and when is it appropriate to leave.

My thread is quite different though.

Here I am talking about adult children who have left home, worked, travelled, got married etc and then return home when faced with adversity. Those 'Boomerang' kids who come back home once they face difficulties and in which in some cultures is a totally acceptable thing to do or even expected.

I wanted to explore the impact that such practice has on the emotional, mental, and physical health of the elderly parent who accepts them back home (both positive and negative), as well as the impact on the adult child.

Often the elderly parent becomes a victim of abuse by such arrangements which may start with good intentions but may affect the finances, independence, emotional, social and physical health of the elderly who becomes like a prisoner in their own home. Many times the elderly parent resumes carer's role in a time where they are frail and in need of help.

It is not uncommon also for adult children to become impacted negatively by this arrangement also. Many can lose their identity reverting back to being a child and the dynamics of the relationship can affect them mentally and bring them in despair.

I think this is different to adult children remaining at home for longer these days and/or when is it a good time to move out. 🙂

[Donte]

Hello Hayfa,

I remember your thread now. It is quite different to adult kids returning home, which is what I had in mind.

In my community many adult children in their forties or fifties return to their family home (usually men) to live with their elderly parents (usually mothers), after a divorce, a mental breakdown, unemployment, impairment from addictions (especially alcohol and drug addictions and gambling are very high among our community) etc.

Most elderly parents (especially mothers) feel obliged to take their sons in as the community will criticize them as being a bad parent otherwise. Many fall victims of manipulation, exploitation and abuse.

This is what I'd like to explore. And the impact on the mental health of the elderly person, but also on the adult child. They both need support and help in different ways. X

[Donte]

Maria is a 77yo Serbian lady that my neighbour has been talking about to me here and there as she's concerned with Maria's wellbeing.

My neighbour tells me that she knows Maria for decades but recently she's not coping with the care needs of her frail husband. George, her husband is 85 years old and suffered a severe stroke 6 months ago and now requires 24 hour care.

George is bed bound and has very little body strength. He has no cognitive impairment and can converse and communicate easily in his native tongue. George has no special dietary needs but is frequently wetting the bed, especially during the night. Maria spends a lot of her time washing bed linen and clothes. Maria is also struggling to wash her husband on a daily basis and is concerned his skin will be covered in sores.

Maria is also not coping with her son's marriage breakdown and this has impacted on her significantly. Her son has moved in with her and works long hours and is not home to assist with his father's care. Maria is also now looking after her grandchildren, (10) and (7).

Maria has very little support from her two daughters; both live very far and have their own family and work commitments and can only provide sporadic support. They have no other family in Australia and have no other supports.

Maria is not having enough sleep and she reported that her blood pressure has increased considerably in the last three months and that she very often forgets to take her medication, has become dizzy and had three falls in two months. She also said that sometimes mixes up the medication for George as he takes up to 20 different medications per day.

Maria shows signs of fatigue, my neighbour says, but is very resistant to having services in her home and is concerned that her son will not allow strangers to look after his non-English speaking father. Her son has indicated to her, more than once, that his father will never go into nursing home as it is her responsibility to look after him.

My neighbour doesn't know what to do to help Maria and is asking me for advice...

I thought I'd put it out here and hopefully some of you may have experiences that are similar and could provide me with some ideas...

[Donte]

I was talking on the phone to my brother who just came back from overseas and mentioned what my neighbour told me about her friend Maria and her situation. He told me that this is unfortunately more common than we may think.

He mentioned another similar story. This time it involves Angela who lives in her own home. She came to Australia in the 1950's during the big southern-European migration wave, and she and her husband worked really hard to buy their home. Sadly, her husband died six years ago. Her son Spyro, with history of drug and alcohol abuse, moved in with her around five years ago following an Intervention Order being taken out by his ex-wife. He told Angela that he had nowhere to go and therefore could only sleep in his car. She reluctantly agreed for him to move in temporarily, after succumbing to pressure from her community.

Spyro pays no rent and makes no contribution to the cost of running the home. He sleeps all day and constantly harasses his mum for money. If she refuses he swears at her, shouts at her and threatens to harm her and himself. He has punched holes in the walls of her home, calls her demented and tells her she should go into a nursing home. There are two other children who do not visit their mother anymore because they are scared of their brother.

Angela cooks and cleans for her son and supports him financially. She has significant back pain and is depressed and worried. She has no money for medication. She loves him and says she cannot kick him out. She has no formal supports.

My brother can't understand why Angela doesn't take action. He's wondering if anything can be done to assist Angela. He also said 'he feels for Spyro too'.