Recurrent traumatic events

[Not_so_hot]

I don't trust authority. I know I should, but I always end up thinking I have made a huge mistake.

I was adopted by whitefellas from birth and experienced childhood sexual abuse for several years. My birth father was here on a student visa and although engaged to marry my mother, was threatened by her parents to have him expelled from Australia if he attempted to claim any rights to me. When I met my birth mother half a lifetime ago she told me they refused to allow any black children in the family and sent her to another state to give birth and have me adopted.

My adoptive family were extremely racist in their treatment of me, so much so, that I actually thought for much of my life I was a purchased slave and we just had another name for it in this country. They weren't evil, just ignorant and abusive. At primary school, I was taunted into fighting every day. At secondary school I was most commonly compared to "Kissy" from Roots and although I was punched, by 12 I had learned not to bother punching back. I was the only black person anyone had ever seen.

Since the early days of abuse, I find it just keeps repeating. Racism felt like it was manageable for a short while during my 20's, then politics went another way (One Nation, etc). Being abused while walking down the street, zero service in many shops, harassment by neighbours, property managers, work colleagues, mates down the pub, you name it - it just keeps escalating. No healing of my brain can fix this.

Right now (last couple years), my neighbour has been blocking access to my garage by parking across it, idling his car for up to 2 hours per day, at least one of those times is between 1 and 3-30am. He parks less than 2 metres from my window. I wrote him a note to ask him to settle down, he escalated. Got a note back saying he reported me to the police as he finds my face aggressive and intimidating. I had a massive attack last night when he woke me again after less than 2 hours sleep, could not stop sobbing, couldn't breathe, threw up, some kind of convulsions, it went on for about 40 mins. I was calm afterwards. Realised I am not going to survive under these circumstances. I just don't see how I could go back to fighting everyone like I did to survive as a kid, so many bullies.

Late last year was turned away by reception when I tried to make gp appt- they said I would be better elsewhere - all they had to base that decision with was appearance. Too scared to try again.

Ideas?

[Croix]

Dear Not so Hot~

I'm very glad you realized you are actually being seen by some people just you as you are. You have been living n a world full of brick walls and aggressive people and that has an immediate and long term impact. Actually I rather like your wry humor.

I'm delighted you took the step of ringing up and are now seeing a GP. We would very much like to know how things got on and most importantly if the doctor seems to get it and not be lost. You have to 'click'.

With joining in with another group you do not have to say anything in particular, just you don't know much about being taken away if you like - which is pretty much the truth anyway.

I have an app I use called "Smiling Mind". It's free for any smartphone. I use it to break the cycle of my thoughts and works well with practice. Even the 2-minute Demo is a great help. In the middle of the night especially.

https://www.smilingmind.com.au

Hope to hear from you

Croix

[Not_so_hot]

You could knock me down with a feather right now. The GP is an outstanding candidate for the solid ally position I was planning to advertise on the imaginary app that isn't built yet... hehe.

She made things very clear and simple and is going to do some investigations before recommending therapy to make sure she finds the right type of person. Some tests and things to do to support my body in the meantime.

It was kind of like the guy at the market again, different ancestry but instant recognition, click! It still mystifies me how many people are still somehow convinced that only whitefellas get born in Australia. GP has her own amusing episodes of the "where are you from" debacle.

Aside: If the end of racism ever happened in this country, that's how I would measure the change. The "where are you from" public interrogation ritual to which there is no right or acceptable answer for those born here that don't look Anglo, would fade out of our daily lives. Might take a while.

Anyway, most ingenious is the way she has managed to remove the whole notion of authority from the equation. Total opposite to the last doctor I saw a few years back that made me never want to put myself through a GP visit again.

So yeah, skilled, open to learning, practical, quite a few laughs, straightforward - one possible ally as ordered - good start.

I'll check out the app, thanks for the tip. I like the name.

It's been a huge day, totally different and far more hopeful than the other days in May. I have set a timeline and goal with the GP, aimed at being in a position to move when my lease ends. Not a cakewalk. Not impossible. Necessary.

So tired now, but relieved the whole thing doesn't feel like I'm forever stuck in a negative spiral anymore.

[Croix]

Dear Not So Hot~

That is amazing and I'm bowled over by your news. To go straight to he right doctor is frankly not always that common, it sounds like things have turned a corner there.

You sound happy, and that is wonderful, you also sound like you have hope, and that is the best news of all.

Having an ally makes all the difference.

God luck with the planning for the move.

Please let us know how you go

Croix

[Emmen]

Dear Not so hot,

I see you've been given some wonderful advice here. I'm really glad to hear some positive thoughts coming from you!

I can understand your struggles with racism. Being visibly a minority both from the country I come from and here in Australia, I have been the subject of racist behaviour as well. It takes a toll on you, in terms of your self-confidence, your view towards life and the opportunities you get in life. The fact that you experienced such awful racist attitudes as a child also means that you grew up not being able to shine as you have done. You learnt to keep your head low and "not punch back", and I think you carry that mindset with you even now, when you actively choose to hide from your neighbour. Far from having given up, I see this as strength. It takes great strength to ignore the wrongs people do to you and continue living your life your way.

I'm so happy you're seeing a GP you connect with. Croix's app suggestion is also a great way to manage your anxieties when you're on your own. And it's wonderful that you're moving out once the lease ends. If I may offer one more suggestion, perhaps you could find an interest group (art, sports, language etc.) that you could participate in? It would be good for you to connect with people who can bond with you over a shared interest rather than to make assumptions about you based on your appearance. I'm hoping that through this, you'll meet people who think like you, regardless of how any of you look.

Before I end off this post, I would like you to remember that you're a wonderful person the way you are. You are not responsible for the attitudes of racist people, nor can you change them in any way. What you have in your control is your reaction to these people, whether you let them get to you, or if you can learn to ignore their ignorance and prejudice. Take care of your safety and your mental wellbeing. Find the things that make you happy, and lastly, never stop trying even if doesn't work out the first few times.

Warmly,
M

[Not_so_hot]

Hi and thanks to everyone here for all the support.

A quick update. My GP never gave a referral, never did anything at all. I do not have the funds to see endless doctors, that first visit was more than I could afford. She does bulk billing for the friend who referred me, so I don't know what's up with that. The anxiety attacks were utterly out of control for several months and my life felt like a living hell. I tried so many avenues to get help or support. Still no success.

On the positive side, up to a certain point I am able to prevent anxiety attacks from even getting on the radar. I am hyper-alert when I detect a level of stress or anxiety that is likely to result in an attack and have learned to immediately seek to balance any physical symptoms as my first priority. If I have bad feelings I take them as fact then take whatever action I can or acknowledge that I don't have the capacity to fix it right now, so instead let's work on surviving this without damaging my health. Intense discipline and practice. "In all forms of strategy, it is necessary to maintain the combat stance in everyday life and to make your everyday stance your combat stance."
Miyamoto Musashi

Growing plants on the window ledge, incense, listening to music where the lyrics and the rhythm tips me into joy whether I had planned that or not. The best thing I have discovered is that your senses are your friends. My nose got so sick of mask smell during the endless Vic lockdown, that my olfactory senses are now in conscious service more frequently than my ears. Some scents have an immediate effect on how we feel.

Every day I use a lot of native herbs and spices, primarily pepper berries, peppermint gum and lemon myrtle for their calming properties and amazing nutritional profile. The mouth infections were ended this way. The anxiety attacks can be deterred this way. In short, I was tired and hungry, not just in the moment, I have/had been that way for years due to life circumstances. When I don't do something about it, my mind starts yelling at me and coming up with unhelpful alarmist type things to get my attention.

The neighbour has escalated to the point where I had to call 000 in November after enduring his screaming and yelling and guarding the entrance to our building for hours so I couldn't leave. The police didn't come they were too busy. So I am not safe and have no solution. In amongst all that, I have discovered how to be joyous despite everything. I have learned how to heal some things for myself and how to find solutions for myself in the absence of anyone else.

Thank you all again.