First generation immigrant- 16 years old

[spanish19876]

I am a South Asian first-generation immigrant and 16 years old, with only one sibling aged 4. I’ve never had great relations with my parents, acting against their wishes from a very young age of 6, but really, their standards have always been, to this day, insanely unrealistic. The things I have done to this day that they would use to describe me as a horrible and wicked person are really very simple parts of the life of a child and adolescent, and if I was being real, any understanding parent would agree with me. I am used to both of my parents screaming at me, judging me and all on a daily basis for VERY SMALL THINGS- SMALL MISTAKES ANY HUMAN BEING MAKES!! They have always been terrible at trying to understand me, and are too traditional in their parenting method. My mum is quite co-dependent on my dad, she’s naive for someone living in a 1st world country, and oh boy has she got anger issues when it comes to parenting me. My dad has definitely gotten better at understanding me, but key word: ‘better’, but has not become decent at it yet. They drag on everythinggg I’ve done and when they’re mad at one small thing, they start to complain about everything they have against me, which are all unrelated things, most of which are assumptions about my behaviour when they’re not present. They’re quite unfriendly and hypocritical to everyone, and there is no respect at all in our household, with constant disgusting, unnecessary remarks that I can’t treat as more than ‘just family jokes’. Whenever arguing, they're 'always right' and they can never hear me out. They see problems in each other but don't do enough to address or rectify them and don't realise their own issues. Anything that I want to do as a teenage girl, for my self care and happiness is apparently just because I need attention from boys, and whenever I fall slightly from my grades, it is an act of grave sin. I have a 2013 phone since 2016, right, and my mum was so overly excited about buying me the iPhone 11 on black friday this year, but I ended up falling from a High Distinction from last semester to a Distinction this semester and they gave me so much crap for it and you guessed it, I am not getting that phone anytime soon- even though I go to a private school paying $$ a year. I’m mentally unstable because of their lack of focus on my happiness and wellbeing for the last 10 years and I really don’t know what to do anymore.

[Sophie_M]

Hey spanish19876,

Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you decided to take such a brave and important step in sharing your thoughts and feelings here with our wonderful community. We're so sorry to hear that you've been going through with your parents, but please know that you've come to safe space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

If you feel up to it, we'd really encourage you to reach out and talk these feelings through with our friends at Kids Helpline. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under, and are there for you 24/7 by phone (1800 55 1800) and through their webchat if you'd feel more comfortable talking online: https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling

We hope that you find some comfort in the kind words from our community, and please feel free to keep updating your thread here to let us know what you are thinking and feeling, whenever you're up to it.
 

[Croix]

Dear Spanish19876~

I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here and agree totally that talking or chatting the the Kids Help Line could be a pretty good thing to do.

It gives you an idea of what is normal, and suggests avenues for improving your life.

Parents who were brought up in other countries may find it very hard to translate there own experiences and beliefs into this country - not that all our practices are that great, however our way of doing things is what you have to face.

They obvious want you to do very well as school, and send you to an expensive one and even had the foresight to give you a phone since you were 12 (even if an old one). While personally I'd view the difference between distinction and high distinction is not that huge that is just me and their could be some reason why they regard the mater as important.

I agree that being shouted and and called horrible and wicked is not a proper way to go. Ideally a parent should both praise strengths (in other areas than just academia) and guide and explain for anything they regard as breaches of conduct.

While it might seem I'm taking your parent's side I'm not, but it is difficult to judge what you regards as

"VERY SMALL THINGS- SMALL MISTAKES ANY HUMAN BEING MAKES!!"

So have to leave that until I understand better.

Arguments unfortunately can start on one subject, and then drift though all previous problems, allocating blame and not listening. This is a human trait, and does not really help anyone, they become more upset, and you see old matters dealt with unfairly brought up again.

If your father seems to be the more sensible of your parents is it possible to involve him more in your affairs and explain circumstances why you did things each day? This may lead to further understanding and tolerance.

I'd look forward to it if you came back and maybe gave a little more detail of the causes of contention

Croix