Parent of an estranged Adult daughter

[magiore]

I need to connect with other parents who are going through what I am going through.

I will be brief for now, but will discuss further once I connect with others who are going through the same crisis as mine.

It's been six weeks now our daughter left the family, she eloped and we don't know where she is. she left us suddenly, our lives changed practically overnight.

We cannot believe that she could such a thing, the guy and his family have brainwashed her and stolen her from us. I heard that she is already engaged to this guy and the family will marry her off as soon as possible. We cannot believe that she could do such a thing behind our back.

I need help, I have no one around me who is approaching me to help.

If there is anyone out there who is in a similar case to mine please reach out to me so we can come close to discuss our precious loss together.

Thank you

[Donte]

Hello Magiore and welcome to this multicultural experiences forum.

I don't have experience in this as my daughter is 22 and still lives with me. It sounds devastating though the way you describe it. It is very difficult to say anything about this without knowing the age of your daughter and the inside story of the situation.

As a parent I'd say getting some professional help, inclusive of counselling for you and your partner, perhaps mediation where your daughter and the other side can be invited to communicate and find a middle way if possible, and legal advice/options.

It really all depends on your daughter's age and willingness to reconnect with you. Despite what happens in your daughter's life and relationship though, it is important to seek supports for yourself and your partner and the rest of the family. Find practical ways to look after yourselves and each other and develop strategies to cope with this change and the stress it has brought into your lives.

That's all I can think off without knowing the situation. X

[Donte]

Hi magiore,

I hear your pain.

When our children become adults and want to break away from us is not an easy thing. Yet it is necessary in order for them to develop their own identity as individuals.

Our children do not belong to us. They are not ours. Our possession. They are free individuals like we are and entitled to their own choices and life. This is what adulthood is all about. And we need to encourage them and learn to let go. Even other animals do this - they push their offsprings away when the time comes. They need to fetch for themselves and open their wings. This is normal.

As parents (I have a 22 yo daughter), of course we worry. But we are not in control. And neither we should be. Not at this age. We can be available for support if they ever ask for it but our parenting is done.

I went through a very tough time the last few years seeing my daughter navigating relationships and at one stage being in a codependent relationship which became violent but all I had to do was call the police which put an intervention order against her boyfriend. When she decided to break this and against my will continuously see him behind my back and against the law, I decided to take a few steps back and let her experience whatever she needed to experience in order to learn whatever lesson she needed to learn. This was her relationship, not mine. Her life, not mine. her choices, not mine. The only thing I could do as a father was to stop enabling her behaviour and let her find out for herself. After years of on and off and numerous dramas, tears and pain (on both her part and mine), she one day woke up to herself and realized she deserves better. She broke the relationship by herself and now has a job, bought a car, pays her bills, rent, expenses, her loans and studies pharmacy. Her boyfriend is still unemployed, drinking all day and playing video games. One day she told me 'dad, I'm sick and tired of being his mum. I don't wanna be a carer or a social worker anymore.'

I'm proud of my daughter. And I'm proud of myself for taking steps back and not intervening. For letting her experience and learn for herself the lessons that she needed to learn in order to mature and grow up and be the amazing lady she is today. There are stages in parenting and once they become adults we need to treat them like adults. That's how I learned in life and that's how I taught her too. That's my parental experience. Everyone's different. Thank you for allowing me to express it. X

[Donte]

Hi White Knight,

As a dad, I believe your advice is sound, even if it hurts to hear or accept.

One of the hardest things parents are obligated to do is to let go and allow their children to become the adults they choose to be. in actual fact, encourage them and push them away, if I dare say.

There is a time where parents have control in a child's life, and that is when the child is dependent on them and needs boundaries, guidance, authority and discipline together with the parental love. Once the child ceases to be a child, we need to treat them as another adult - equal to us, for this is who they are. This is truly one of the hardest things to achieve as a parent and also as a child: The shift of roles and the dynamics in the relationship.

When I was going through this with my daughter I consulted counsellors, chat lines, read numerous books, talked to others in similar situation, attended support groups, and spent a lot of time meditating, crying, talking to myself and doing all the things I needed to do to get to the point of acceptance.

When a child stops being a child and becomes an adult, we, parents also need to grow and change with them. Our relationships change, our life purpose changes, everything is different. But that's life. Is never cemented in concrete. Life is fluid and ever changing and so are we. It is important to acknowledge the loss, grieve and allow ourselves time to heal and move on.

As a single parent with no other supports or extended family here in Australia and with one child only, I found that it was one of the hardest thing for me to learn. Good thing is, when all is settled and the dust is blown apart, our relationship remains and is re shaped and evaluated.

Nowadays, I enjoy having drinks and chat with my daughter often laughing about our intimate relationships, men and our affairs. You never really 'lose' your child, you just gain a new adult/friendship in your life!

[Donte]

Hello again magiore,

I've been following your thread and reading the posts of various people and your replies which has given me a better understanding of the situation and its complexity from when I first originally read your story. I would urge you to seek support from a Family Counsellor, preferably one who is bicultural and understands the issues within your cultural context. Also, I would suggest you look into Family Mediation Services. a mediator who is totally independent and doesn't take sides or have any emotional investment in this situation could invite the different sides to a discussion separately, then they could talk to all of you and try to mediate/negotiate an agreement amongst you. It's a great service and can help you resolve conflict and drift. I personally benefited immensely from this service when i was going through my separation and avoided court case and unnecessary hardships. Something to consider.

Best of wishes X

[magiore]

Hello Tony, (Reply to White Knight)

So lovely to hear from you again. I do agree with your thoughts.

Yes, I think it's better to try to avoid the subject of our daughter every time I see my husband and my son.

I need to let the psychological dust settle and give it some time for the realisation of what has happened to sink into their heads.

I am trying to formulate and design a plan that will hopefully and eventually work to bring some kind of positivity into all of this.

Please continue to link here and read more of what I will have to say..I appreciate all your sentiments and I am glad that we can share our common circumstances...it is most comforting to hear other people's similar stories..makes me feel that I am not alone in the world with this problem..

Thank you and take care

[magiore]

Hi Ellie05
So nice to hear from you again...
Thank you for taking the time to write such supportive words and useful advice for me whilst I am going through this very difficult time.
It comforting to know that there are empathetic people out there who will take time to listen...
I do agree that at this time both my husband and myself need people to connect with...there is only one problem here..I am ok to do this...this is why I have taken my story virtual....in reaI life I have no one I can talk to about this...as far as my husband is concerned ...he refuses to see anyone...he doesn’t want to be distracted...especially if anyone is going to discuss this matter to disagree with his thoughts...he flatly refuses to talk to anyone like this...
I am lucky that I have many hobbies and interests in my life...golly...I think I have too many...so I have no problems with occupying myself in order to achieve a distraction...but with an underlying deep sadness, feeling of insecurity of not knowing why this has happened to me...disbelief
You sound like a very sweet and gentle person with a kind heart...
I do believe your strongest message there is that...it will take time...
So true...
Many thanks

[white knight]

Hi Magiore

Thankyou for the acknowledgement.

A therapist once said to me "Tony, you know all the theory, you just have difficulty putting it into practice".

You are dealing with people which adds to the issues. Just Sara reflected perfectly the pain, emptiness and trauma associated with such loss.

As a man I'd like to wish you well in your developments of this situation. One day all will be ok. These humps in our lives arent welcome but will heal one day.

Regards TonyWK

[magiore]

Hi Hayfa,

I did contact 2 local friends of ours (in secrecy from my husband) and two people overseas to try to help us. I asked them to come to speak to my husband. They are happy to do that, but when I told my husband that we need to talk to someone about this, he got very angry with me, we had a big fight and he asked me to leave the house. He doesn’t want to talk to anybody about this subject. He is very stubborn. I even approached our Parish priest. He advised that we both need to reach our daughter, otherwise we risk losing her.

The two people I approached overseas are very close to my husband. One is his brother and the other is his best friend. I called them secretly. I told them to not tell my husband that I called. They were very sad for my case, but they cannot do anything. My husband refuses to even speak with them about this case. As far as he is concerned it is an ‘open and shut case’. He tells me that no one on this Earth can change his mind. He simply refuses his daughter to marry into this family.
I can only hope for a miracle now,
Take care and thank you once again

[Donte]

Hello Magiore and thank you for responding to my comments.

It is indeed an impossible situation it seems if your husband is so adamant not to communicate, talk, negotiate or share on this topic with you as you describe. Clearly that doesn't leave you much to work with and is not a very good partnership. If you believe that your relationship with your husband has reached its end, maybe let him be, and try and reconnect with your daughter instead and continue your relationship with her independent of your husband. Your husband doesn't own you, like you don't own your daughter. You are aloud to have your own relationship with your daughter (provided she also desires this), despite what your husband or your son decide to do. Maybe that would be the only option considering the circumstances.

[magiore]

Hi Donte
(continuation)
I think that both my husband and daughter have faults in this very difficult case. There are more ins and outs to the story...but to keep it short..I don’t agree with either of them. I fully understand that we don’t ‘own’ our children and respect that they will leave us one day to find their future lives. The fault I find with my daughter, is that I disagree with the way that she ran away from us all of a sudden. She stopped contact with us and I have heard that she is already engaged to this guy with a date set also to get married. Her estranged mannerisms hurt me a lot. I respect that she has found her love and this is the direction she wants. The fault I find with my husband is that he was against her choice right from the start and the negativity he displayed in front of my daughter and her guy. He was also very rude to his family which I found to be too harsh..this frightened my daughter away from us...I try to explain this to my husband but he refuses to acknowledge that he is wrong...so you can see how complicated this is going to be...

BTW..I don't know why my post was changed into the category of multiculturalism..i placed it in the family relationship sub category originally....who is responsible for changing it???

Thank you for your time....