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Parent of an estranged Adult daughter

magiore
Community Member

I need to connect with other parents who are going through what I am going through.

I will be brief for now, but will discuss further once I connect with others who are going through the same crisis as mine.

It's been six weeks now our daughter left the family, she eloped and we don't know where she is. she left us suddenly, our lives changed practically overnight.

We cannot believe that she could such a thing, the guy and his family have brainwashed her and stolen her from us. I heard that she is already engaged to this guy and the family will marry her off as soon as possible. We cannot believe that she could do such a thing behind our back.

I need help, I have no one around me who is approaching me to help.

If there is anyone out there who is in a similar case to mine please reach out to me so we can come close to discuss our precious loss together.

Thank you

70 Replies 70

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello magiore,

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles at the moment. It sounds like a really tough situation to be in as you are trapped between your husband and son who have put a difficult choice in front of you and your daughter who is estranged.

From what you have said, you also sound very isolated emotionally with nobody around to support you, at a time when you feel like a part of you has just been taken away and stolen.

I do not know what is the best course of action, but I am concerned about how you are feeling.

So I'm glad that you have come to talk to us here, but can I ask what other help or support you have tried to seek? From what you've said, it sounds like you have spoken to others about it as well but they didn't provide you with what you wanted?

James

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Magiore

Ok, I've read over this thread a lot. Please, I'm not picking in you but I am wanting to point out some issues here in the big picture.

Your husband and son have their own natural thinking ways and likely they aren't collaborating- just very much alike, not unusual with father and son. And everyone has rights. They have a right to feel the way they do, act, disown and reject. I am a strong believer of peoples individual rights. The same as your daughter, she has rights. She is old enough to drive, vote, decide on any adult issue she pleases. She isn't "yours" although I know your pain for your loss in saying that. So lets try to get some things into perspective. Join with me in trying? how about it? lets try.

Your daughter isn't injured, physically mistreated as far as you know, etc. Her allowing herself to be "taken" away can be seen as being brainwashed but could be a feeling of wanting to escape from other factors eg her dad. Love has a very strong effect on all of us especially younger people. A protective father is one waving a red flag at a bull if his daughter is in love. By her boyfriend not being accepted that paves the path she must travel.

Unfortunately you might consider the submissive tack. Calm down firstly and that might take time. Get distraction, hobby, visits to the beach, talk to understanding friends. I rarely give advice to members directly, usually allow them to come to a decision, but in this case here is what I would do.

You already state that you are living apart from your husband and son. I would engage with them only enough so you all get along. I'd not mention your daughter as there has been enough trauma already and tensions are high. Then I'd contact the family she is with and express that you are living alone and your daughter is welcome to join you for a drink and friendly no argument chat at a café. Then leave it at that because she is her own person and the more you pressurize it the worse things will get, then you wont see your daughter at all.

Traumatic changes in ones life can hit us hard, but some people take things in their stride. We need to get the balance of both. You daughter strives to be seen as mature and able to make her own decisions. "Owning her" is not going to allow her to feel free as a person. Pressure doesn't help it hinders.

Strive to be friends with everyone and find activities to divert your hurt. You are a good mum, you care, just need to relax for a while.

Tony WK

Hi magiore,

I am so sorry for your pain as well, you sound very isolated and your daughter's love has meant a lot to you. I can understand how much it meant, considering the difficult marriage you've endured, and your son being so much like to your husband. A daughter who was also your friend must have felt so great, it must be hard to be separated for a while.

I wanted to say I agree with Tony's very empowering advice, I hope you will be able to hear what he has to say. As much as your daughter loves you and appreciates you, she really isn't your possession. If you feel that way, it may be a pressure that she feels that is overwhelming, because of your connection and her empathy for you. She really needs to be seen and accepted as an adult, with adult needs to fulfill of her own. She needs love, and sounds like she found it. Can you be happy for that? I feel that if you can, it could be the key to you rekindling your relationship that is so important to you both.

In all your posts, I didn't catch any real criticisms about her new husband, other than you feel she will belong to someone else. Is there anything in particular you are concerned about with the young man?

Hi Bindi,

Firstly, I'd like to thank you for taking the time to read my post and to also prepare a reply to me.

It really means a lot, thank you!

It is so true that I have so much pain and hurt in my heart at this time.

It's not easy being in the middle of it where both sides mean so much to my life.

I miss my daughter incredibly, and it pains me to see her go this way. She has done wrong. She could have done it differently, she is immature and didn't calculate it carefully.

We were a family with a strong belief in unity and love. What happened to us?

I have met my daughter's so-called 'fiance' a couple of times. I haven't however had the chance to know him properly..I just don't agree how he and my daughter made plans behind our backs...he should have respected us and been a man to come to me and my husband to ask for her hand. But...on the other hand...my husband put a spanner into the works. He met the guy for the first time and fought, refused and gave him hell at that time. I totally don't agree with what he did and I am forced to agree with my husband. Something I will not do..I can't live with a man where I have to always say yes...when I actually mean 'No'. But, everytime I tell my husband that he did wrong...he asks me to leave and never come back to him.

This is how it is...

Thank you for your time...

magiore
Community Member
Hi James
Firstly, I’d like to thank you for taking the time to read and understand my issue. I also like to thank you for the sensitive tone accompanied in your reply.
Yes..it’s so true that I am emotionally isolated, it’s a very difficult state to be in. I have two sides to this problem. One is my daughter and the other is my husband and son. Both are wrong. I am in the middle of it trying to make either side compromise..but it’s not going to happen. Both sides are very stubborn. I have done all that I can to try to sort this situation out. I am depending on a miracle now.
I have spoken to several people online and in person..but once people hear my story there is really very little advice they can offer to me. It’s all up to my daughter and my husband I think. They hold the key to this problem.
I was considering trying to contact the guy and his family. But, soon after my daughter left us..I did message each of them..but they didn’t reply. They don’t need to I guess...they have their prize now...they have won...they have taken my daughter away from me...they don’t need me...
Also the fact that we had a huge screaming fight with the family one evening...It was very ugly...They refused to hand us back our daughter..when we went to their house to demand they give her back to us...It was the ugliest fight..you wouldn’t believe!
I have one concern however..they are a refugee family...I am fearing that they are forcing a quick marriage on my daughter for an easy grant of Aussie citizenship...I did mention this to my daughter at one point but she just blocked me on her phone once I told her that..
She is hypnotised by this family..she is madly in love with the guy.. not knowing where she is going..
It remains to be seen what her fate will be....
Thanks for your reply to me,
I appreciate it so much,
Take care

Hayfa
Beyond Blue Staff
Beyond Blue Staff

Hello Magiore

I am sorry to hear of this difficult situation you are facing.
First of all, I think the important thing here is for you and your husband to calm down and think about this rationally. What's done is done, your daughter has made her choice and acted on it, It is not conducive for you to think that the parent-in-laws have taken her away, she is obviously scared therefore she kept away for now.

This is hard on both families and your daughter and her partner, I think what needs to happen here is that all of you need to sit down and talk about what has happened and how to move on from here. Your husband may not agree or be happy with what has happened, and it is not a question of acceptance either because it has happened and that is the reality now.
I am guessing from your post here that eloping is a big deal in your culture hence the difficulty of people to broach the subject with you. Is there anyone close to you and your husband that you can reach out to and talk to? Is there a community leader that may bring both families together for a talk about this?

In my ethnic community, eloping happens for the same reasons (parents don't accept partner) but at some point it is accepted that the couple are now married, parents make contact even with help from others since there is only a limited time to which parents will keep kids estranged from them.
I think given the argument that occurred with the boys family, it is probably best to leave things to calm down a bit. Perhaps another way is if you make contact with your daughter and arrange for everyone to meet for a discussion but only when you are sure everyone will be calm and respectful.
You and your husband need to look after yourselves too, as much as this is hard and you may not like your daughter's decision it is best to sort it out and try to salvage a relationship with this boy otherwise this will breed more contempt and you could put him in a position where he won't allow your daughter or future children to be part of your lives.
This will take time, if you keep pushing your husband he will probably go the other way, go slowly on this and perhaps get someone else who your husband trusts such as another family member who may also talk rationally to him about this.

Keep talking to us here Magiore, someone will always answer your post and support you.

Hayfa

Ellie05
Community Member

Hi Magiore,

I think Hayfa has offered some very sensible advice. You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to resolve this situation but the reality is that it will take time. If your daughter is frightened of her father then it makes sense that she wants to keep her location hidden. She may be wary of reaching out to you because she worries that you will lead him to her. Perhaps once the dust settles his anger will subside and she will feel more confident in trying to re-establish a relationship. It sounds as though the two of you were very close so I have no doubt that she misses you, but she is also madly in love with this guy and as a young adult it makes sense that she would want to try and establish some freedom for herself given her father has been quite controlling and tried to prevent the relationship from happening.

In the meantime I think you need to focus on how best to care for yourself in this difficult time. You've tried reaching out to your daughter and reasoning with your husband and at this stage all you can really do is wait for things to calm down. You're friends might not be able to offer any advice on how to resolve the situation but this doesn't mean that they can't support you through it. Perhaps you could let them know you need some friendship and distraction? When I'm going through a hard time I try to book as many social appointments as possible, the goal being to be able to distract myself from my misery for a short while. There are other things you can do as well - such as a walk on the beach, watching a movie, a nice bubble bath and engaging in a hobby (I've recently started painting and making jewellery). If your friends are finding it hard to provide the support you need then it might be worth chatting to your GP to see if they can refer you to a counsellor. Just having someone to talk too can make a big difference.

magiore
Community Member

Hello Hayfa
Firstly, may I say a big thank you for noticing my post and sending me a reply. I really appreciate the time that you have taken to donate your thoughts and to try to comfort me with an intention of giving me supporting advice.
I am also so impressed at how you almost can sense that I come from an ethnic background. Perhaps it’s the way that I have described the mannerisms of what is going on. I cannot believe how accurately you can pick up on that. It’s amazing.
I must tell you that I believe in absolutely everything that you have written there and I sense that you can understand all the ins and outs. Since you mention that it happens in your ethnic community also. The heated reactions and lack of blessing because of disagreement all take part in this horrible process, it’s all in accordance with my case.
Believe me, I really wish for there to be discussion with all parties concerned, but I truly think that this will not be possible for one reason. My husband and son are totally against it, against my daughter, against her choice, it’s impossible for me to even try to negotiate with them even over time. My daughter ‘died’ for them.
They have put a close on this subject and an ultimatum on me. If I dare try to contact my daughter or decide to go with her, or see her, then my husband and my son will disown me too. They are making it very hard on me. I have to make my choice here and I simply can’t. My marriage is on shaky ground at the moment. I am partly separated. I cannot live with a man where I have to agree to him when I actually don’t.

 

Hello and welcome to our caring forum community magiore;

I am a daughter and a mother. I've experienced estrangement from both sides of the coin. Being physically/emotionally separated hurt my heart very deeply indeed.

When my child withdrew from me, it was like losing a part of myself. I grieved terribly for a long time. Eventually when they returned, things haven't been the same. Not because of any one incident or resentments, but because children grow up by pushing limits of their own independence. It has to be this way for them to learn; whether a mistake or not. It's a rite of passage for all...

As a mother, I had to grieve this loss as a natural course; my nest was empty. My child wasn't my child anymore, a young adult had replaced them. Accepting this was the only way to keep them in my life.

As a daughter? I went to my family to tell them something they didn't want to hear. In my mind it had to be done to find some sense of inner peace within 'me', not them.

My mother's response was so eruptive, it shocked me to my core. Why wasn't she understanding and loving? I'd been honest and as tactful as I could, but she refused to accept my words no matter how sensitively I spoke.

We were estranged for 18 months. In this time I felt a loss of biblical proportions; my mother wasn't there for me.

What hurt more though, was her attitude of not understanding or accepting my feelings and decisions as being that of an adult needing to make peace with what had happened. In her eyes, I was a negligent and bad daughter. I wasn't afforded my right to independence and leading my life as I felt was appropriate.

This challenged us both in our own ways. The bond between us as mother and daughter wasn't broken, but was strained. 18 months later I met with her for lunch and we talked about what had happened. At last we spoke as two adults, each from our own perspective. We both respected these views without question.

Our connection became stronger and has been tested many times since. Love has many guises, but respect and accepting each other as having the right to feel and experience life in our own way, was the empowering aspect of love that kept us together. We're now friends as well as family.

Please take care of your heart dear magiore;

Kind thoughts;

Sez

Hayfa
Beyond Blue Staff
Beyond Blue Staff

Hi Magiore

I am so sorry to hear about the pressure that is being put on you by your husband and son.
If you permit me to ask please just so that I can fully understand the situation, is the disowning from your husband and son toward your daughter because of an intermarriage? If so then it explains their reaction and pressure on you to do the same.
Regardless of what the reason is, and I know that it doesn't look like it now but I really don't think that they will stay angry and holding this opinion forever,they will slowly come around and your daughter won't be estranged.

I think that if you are pushing the subject with your son and husband then they will keep putting pressure on you to stay away from your daughter. Take some time out, don't say anything, I am really sure that your husband and son are not going to throw you out if you feel different about the situation or talk to your daughter. This is such an ethnic reaction (excuse the expression), they know they can't stop you if you want to speak to your daughter and what they are actually trying to do is make you see it their way so that you don't push for a solution because they are not ready to make peace.

I can tell you that I have witnessed this exact same situation to many families in my community both here in Australia and overseas. It is very heated and messy at first with lots of family pressure for everyone to row in one boat and throw the person who they think did wrong overboard. You need to concentrate on yourself right now and later reach out to your daughter, your husband and son don't have to know and again, I really don't think they can do much to you if you did.

Who are the community leaders or religious/Imams if any in your community? Can they come at some point and have a talk to your husband and son, if your husband and son hear their reasoning then perhaps they will be in a better position to start accepting what has happened and moving forward with building a new relationship with your daughter and the boy and his family.

When this situation happens in ethnic communities, most of the time the parents take this stance due to cultural reasons to show that they are against the action and they want to be seen in their community as responding appropriately to something against normal traditional convention. Once the parents have been seen to take a stance, they are forgiven later on for reconnecting with their child. Give them space, it will work out.

Hayfa