Parent of an estranged Adult daughter

[magiore]

I need to connect with other parents who are going through what I am going through.

I will be brief for now, but will discuss further once I connect with others who are going through the same crisis as mine.

It's been six weeks now our daughter left the family, she eloped and we don't know where she is. she left us suddenly, our lives changed practically overnight.

We cannot believe that she could such a thing, the guy and his family have brainwashed her and stolen her from us. I heard that she is already engaged to this guy and the family will marry her off as soon as possible. We cannot believe that she could do such a thing behind our back.

I need help, I have no one around me who is approaching me to help.

If there is anyone out there who is in a similar case to mine please reach out to me so we can come close to discuss our precious loss together.

Thank you

[magiore]

Hi Donte

Thank you for your reply...

I am not well...I'm suffering to much sadness and depression because of what is going on with me,,,

I really don't know what to do...I totally agree that my husband and son clearly have no reggard or love in their hearts..it make me very sad ....because I am on the edge of ending it with them...but I don't want to

I have feelings and don't want to lose my marriage and husband and son...just because I have been in contact with my daughter...it's so wrong..they don't want to negotiate...I saw them today after being separated from them more than a week ago..my husband and son have disowned me too now...I just can't let go...I don't want to divorce him...but continuing to live with him would mean more sadness and trouble for me. I just can't move on...I have too many memories of us both bringing up our children...I can't forget those times...it's painful

Please help me..I am in so much pain....please

[Donte]

Oh Magiore,

This is so sad and dreadful. No one should feel like this. Nobody has the right to treat you like property and make decisions for you and your future against your knowledge or will. Please talk to a Counsellor here in BeyondBlue private chat line or call them. Also talk to your doctor about how you feel and what you’ve been going through at home. If you go to your local police station and explain they could possibly provide you with domestic violence support and crisis accommodation if you have nowhere to stay. Also, Sacred Heart Mission or Brotherhood of St Lawrence and the Salvos or Smith Family may be able tosuppprt you in practical ways with food vouchers, money etc.

It’s terrible that it has gone to this but you now need all the support you can get. And please keep chatting here if you get the chance. Even talking about it and sharing your pain can help you sort out your thoughts and make some decisions.

Have a look at Family Mediation Service too! They can offer help to you via family counseling and are able to contact your husband and son to have a chat with them also. Their role is to mediate and bring the two sides to a point where hopefully you could meet in the middle and come up with a plan for the future.

Hope you are looking after yourself during this terrible time. Try to be kind to yourself. X

[Donte]

Hello Maggiore,

Just wondering how are you? Haven’t heard from you in a while. Has the wedding taken place already? How’s things with you? X

[magiore]

Hi Donte
Thank you for checking up on meJ that’s really nice of you! I just read your message dated 19th April...I’m sorry that I didn’t check in here earlier...
I haven’t been well at all...as you are aware of my story...it’s a very painful one.
Family mediation or professional help will not be possible with the kind of people my separated husband and my son both are. They are impossible to negotiate with..I am separated from them..we don’t communicate..only for the mere basic necessities and even then it’s very hard..I just end up being verbally abused by them and end up in tears when I leave everytime.
My daughter gets married this weekend and I am going to the wedding...I decided that I would...I will be attending on my own...it will only be me...my separated husband and son will never attend...she is basically ‘dead’ for them.
I am in contact with my daughter...and I will go to see her on her happy day..I feel that as a duty as a mother I must do this..otherwise I risk losing her...it’s been bad enough that she is away from me for 4 months already..my life changed
I live with my parents..I am alone with no man in my life and no kids...
Father and son are very happy together..My separated husband won my son and secured him so well to take his side...I am left alone.
They have both threatened me that if I dare go to my daughter’s wedding , then i will be ‘dead’ for them too. They told me to never come back they don’t want to see my face ever again...
I cannot believe what I am going through...the pain I have...I wish that they were different...I cannot move on with my life...I will never be able to live with them if they are going to treat me like this...I cannot see this situation improving...it’s a lost case in my opinion.
I feel alone, dark, depressed, nothing to live for, can’t enjoy anything, I feel that I brought up two kids and all has gone to waste..I have failed with my family.
I talk to many people and they all cannot understand why they are so difficult in not accepting my daughter’s choice...as far as I am concerned she’s happy and I cannot find anything fault in her fiancé and his family...I can give her my blessing...but her father will not..hence our marriage is destroyed because of this...
I’ll go to the wedding interstate this weekend but I will come back to face hell..
I’m feeling terrified...

[Donte]

Hello Magiore,

Thank you for your reply.

I'm glad to hear from you again.

Glad that you are safe. Glad that you have your parents supporting you in this difficult time. Glad that your daughter wants you in her wedding and in her life. Glad that you have chosen to respond and attend her happiest day and be a part of this.

I'm sure this means the world to her. And to you also.

I'm also glad you are not back with your abusive husband. It seems most appropriate under the circumstances to remove yourself from the emotional manipulation and controlling and take time away to reflect and come up with some strategies on how to best look after yourself during this time and in the future. Time to make yourself a priority and look after your happiness. You are aloud and you deserve it.

It is very sad indeed when ego and pride blind us and we miss out in the most wonderful moments life has to offer. It also must be very upsetting to see the influence that your husband has upon your son and what this is teaching him about women, values and respect and dignity. Such a shame.

Let's hope your son will come to understand one day that women are not the property of men and that we need to treat every human being with respect and dignity.

I hope you enjoy immensely the wedding of your beautiful daughter and immerse yourself in this wonderful moment.

Don't think about later and/or what others will think or do or say upon your return. Just go and enjoy wholeheartedly this glorious moment. You are her mother and you are aloud as an adult to make your own decisions. You don't need the approval or consent of your husband or your son. They don't seem to include you in their life anyway, and neither show any respect for you, so I wouldn't lose any sleep over them.

You sound like a beautiful, caring person and you deserve the best. No matter how hard it is now and even though it's not something that you have chosen, it may be for the best to move away from their influence and rebuild your life with people who care and love you and truly deserve your love and devotion.

Please look after yourself, keep in touch and don't despair. This is a happy time for your daughter and you should delight in her joy and partake wholeheartedly in it.

Best of wishes for you and your daughter. X

[magiore]

Please help me..things are worse now...

My daughter got married...it was bittersweet for me...

I am in hell...please help me

[Hayfa]

Hello Magiore

I am so sorry that you are feeling in despair right now, apologies that I haven't been writing here to you as much as I would have liked but I was reading your posts and keeping abreast of what's going on.
I am sorry that this road with your husband and son has been difficult, you did what you had to do!
I know that life has changed for you now and it is very emotional and difficult but you need to stop and ask yourself what do you need to get back up again and move forward for yourself now.

These big and emotional situations begin huge but then slowly dissipate over time. Can you take each day as it comes, look after yourself with your parent's support as best you can until it all blows over?
Like most situations of this kind in cultural communities, it will be messy, lots of gossip and threats from spouse etc... it won't stay like this, it will blow over.
Stay safe, look after yourself and when things calm down try to reassess the situation from the perspective of what is best for you, what do you want to happen and progress with it slowly.
This may mean accepting the situation, maintain a relationship with your daughter and be patient with your son since he may come around in his thinking at some point.

I am sorry you had to endure these difficulties but what 's important is that you are with your parents and you are in contact with your daughter.
You faced so much with phenomenal strength and I think you can do it again.
Look after yourself and your health now and please keep talking to us here. Use the beyondblue support line if you need to talk to someone, I also think talking it through with trusted relatives and your parents is very beneficial and strengthening for your health and empowerment.

Hayfa

[Donte]

Hello Magiore,

It's nice to hear from you again.

Congratulations for your daughter's marriage! I'm so happy you attended and participated in this very important day in her life. Having you present must have given her immeasurable support and you have done the right thing by her as a mother. This is something truly special. Well done! You are such a caring, loving mother and despite your difficult predicament you have shown unconditional love and support which is the desire of every child. You have shown your daughter what truly matters. And you have done this in actions. You are such a great role model and you have taught her one of the greatest lessons in life, that love puts personal interest aside and doesn't discriminate. This is the greatest gift any parent can give their children: to know that they are loved and supported no matter what their decisions and choices.

Not sure what is happening now that you are back though and of course it isn't easy being faced with a new reality. Things have changed now. Your daughter is starting her own life elsewhere. Your husband and son are not here for you, and you are back at your parent's home - not ideal. But how great it is that you have them! That there is a place to go. You are not on the streets or at some crisis centre. Hope they can support you as much as possible but I know this will not be enough. Have you talked to your doctor about what's happening right now? Have you seen a Counsellor or talked to a psychologist? Are you taking any meds to help you with the stress and anxiety? Have you got things to keep you busy? Friends? Relatives? Some life coaching may be helpful now to be able to set new goals for yourself and sort your life and your finances and accommodation etc.

Please keep talking with us here but also chat privately to a BeyondBlue Counsellor either here online or on the phone. One baby step at a time...one little thing each day...take your time. Have breaks. Go out and have pure fun away from it all when you need to...walk on the beach, enjoy a sunset, a movie, a drink...whatever it s that you like doing, do it for you.

We are here Magiore. We care and love to hear you talking with us. Hope we can offer some comfort in the midst of this crisis that you have suddenly found yourself in. You are not alone. X

[magiore]

Hi Donte

Im in hell...

Please help me...my daughter has completely disconnected from me...

I was physically abused by husband and continually verbally abused by both my son and husband..they blame me for attending my daughters wedding...i have lost everyone in my family...all are disconnected from me...i am alone and having nothing left in my life...i am in turmoil...please help me

[james1]

Hello magiore,

I'm so sorry to hear that your daughter has done that, and the abuse by your husband and son is absolutely unacceptable.

You sound very isolated at the moment and I'm really sad that you feel like you've lost your family with no one left in your life.

I am not sure what happened with your daughter, but in my own experiences with family, these kinds of breaks are not always permanent. Often, when we get pulled away from some parts of our family, we can try to seek comfort with the other members of our family while tensions decrease for future reconciliation.

You mentioned earlier that you live with your parents. May I ask if you have a strong connection with them? I understand it's different to the family you had created yourself with your husband and children, but it sounds like you really need family in your life to show you some love and care, and that you are still a worthy human being with more to live for.

James