Parent of an estranged Adult daughter

[magiore]

I need to connect with other parents who are going through what I am going through.

I will be brief for now, but will discuss further once I connect with others who are going through the same crisis as mine.

It's been six weeks now our daughter left the family, she eloped and we don't know where she is. she left us suddenly, our lives changed practically overnight.

We cannot believe that she could such a thing, the guy and his family have brainwashed her and stolen her from us. I heard that she is already engaged to this guy and the family will marry her off as soon as possible. We cannot believe that she could do such a thing behind our back.

I need help, I have no one around me who is approaching me to help.

If there is anyone out there who is in a similar case to mine please reach out to me so we can come close to discuss our precious loss together.

Thank you

[Donte]

Hi White Knight,

Beautifully said! 🙂

[magiore]

Hi Ellie,
I thank you for your recent reply to me. It is so comforting to know that there are such nice sweet people out there who take time to notice my problem and try to help me out with some advice.
I appreciate all that you wrote there. I try to keep myself busy even though I have some very hard and difficult times ahead. I only hope that I will come out of it with a perfect balance, which won’t be easy..
Take care Ellie and thank you for your contribution to my post.

[magiore]

Hi Hayfa,
Thank you for your comments of the 2nd March. Yes, I am very glad that my daughter has made contact with me. It really made my day and also lessened my pain a bit..But I still have a lot of residual pain which I intend to clear up.. I was very touched by your suggestions that you made there. I am sure that by using these suggestions will definitely make a positive impact on what is going on in my life at the moment. As you can see it is a highly complex family matter with a lot of issues that need to be solved. Time, love, trust and patience as well as understanding will all help..I will never give up on my daughter..
I will be meeting her very soon and I will try to update this case here as well as I can..since I am getting such great responses from understanding people like you...
Thank you Hayfa for your time...I hope to have some good news to share...

[magiore]

Hi Tony
Thank you once again for noticing my post and writing to me.
I found your suggestions all very sensible and I believe in them the same way.
I noticed one particular point which I am quite strong in my feelings about. It is one where I am feeling almost threatened by it. My husband does instill a lot of fear in me and uses a lot of emotional blackmail towards me since we don’t agree on the issue of our daughter. I agree that it is definitely not an option to be submissive towards him and my son. It’s a mark of weakness on my part if I decide to go along with them...I just can’t do that..I don’t believe in it. I will never do that. This is my daughter we are talking about. I cannot accept the fact that they have disowned her...yes she did do a lot of wrong...but not as much wrong as they are doing to her and me at this time.
I cannot stand being there anymore..I am glad that I am partially separated from them. To be there all the time would mean that I would have to be under their total physical and mental control and I don’t want to be in that kind of relationship..I will be very unhappy...I know
So let’s see how it will go by meeting my daughter after not seeing her for two and a half long painful months...I will keep you posted on the developments...
Have a nice time in the meantime..

[white knight]

Hi Magiore

I didn't realise the emotional blackmail was taking place. Replying to so many posts I forget details, sorry.

I had emotional blackmail on me for 54 years. My mother used it as her ultimate tool. Even at 27yo she said "if you don't break up with that girl I'll pack my bags". At 29yo she ruined my wedding. At 54yo my second wedding approached and she was planning to ruin that as well. I haven't seen her since and wont see her.

I agree totally in you standing up straight and never allowing such control to overtake your principles. Your daughter is your daughter and she has not been perfect but none of us are especially when young. Do what you need to do, have a relationship with whom you want. Always do what gives you freedom of your rights.

Tony WK

[Donte]

Hello Magiore,

Not knowing what your cultural and religious background is makes it hard to suggest things but I'm wondering if reporting your husband and son for abuse to the police would help. From what you are describing here it seems you are captive in a very unhealthy controlling relationship in which you hardly have a say and perhaps taking action like contacting the police or putting an intervention order against your husband and son may help and offer you some safety and peace of mind. No one should have to put up with this situation in Australia. Again, I only talk as a third person but I wouldn't tolerate this for a minute if I was you. the law is on your side and this type of behaviour displayed by your husband and son is definitely not acceptable in this country.

[magiore]

Hi Donte,
Thank you for your messages and noticing my problems...yes there is more than one going on..but I may need to open up a new thread for that one.
At this stage I need to stay on this thread about my 'estranged adult daughter'..once this problem hopefully settles I will have to deal with my other problem which I will be glad to receive your comments for that also.
I like to reply to your message dated 6th March.
I am impressed at how you have taken a very accurate grip in understanding my situation. I believe in all that you write there.. I find that it’s all towards positivity, and in theory works well..it’s just that I have to make it work in practice..
I will meet my daughter in a couple of days...and to be honest..I am shaking about it. I’m very nervous..my ‘D’ day is approaching. I have two worries inside me... my daughter and then how my husband and son will react once they find out that I am not around this weekend...it will be over with them and me ..I think...
I am not sure how it will be with my daughter...I take all the good advice from you and all the other contributors to my post..it’s been overwhelming and wonderful for me to receive..and this is how I will be with her..
I intend to nurture our relationship and to try to carefully rebuild our trust and closeness..yes..it may take numerous meetings as you mention..but I don’t mind..sometimes all good things do take time...I am prepared to wait because this is my daughter we are talking about..I intend to keep her.
I will leave this post alone now until I return from my meeting with my daughter. I hope to come here with some good news to share with you..and then let’s see what will happen after that..
In the meantime thank you Donte, for your concern and comments..I feel positive when I read them over and over..
Stay well in the meantime...

[Donte]

Thank you Magiore,

I hope you enjoy your meeting with your daughter and would love to hear about it in your next post.

X

[magiore]

I like to let you know that I spent four days with my daughter..I travelled to see her ..I must say it was so wonderful for her and for me...i have now returned back home.
I cannot explain my senses when I met her for the first time after being separated for so long...
The wedding date is in 2 months...I told them that I am not exactly happy about the rush of this marriage. They should have taken a longer time to prepare and plan for it. My daughter handed me the wedding invitation which had our names as the parents giving her away. My husband was mad after finding out that she printed his name on the wedding invitation. He said that she had no right to do that. She naturally wants me to come to her wedding and she wants her father and brother there too. I assured her that I will try to be there but I don’t think her father or brother will. I assured her that I will try to make them come..but to be honest I cannot see this happening...
Remember I mentioned that my D-day was approaching? Well it happened. I spoke to my husband and I told him that I went to visit my daughter. He blew his fuse...he was mad..he told me that if I come to the family home, to only come to discuss divorce proceedings with him...he doesn’t want to talk to me about anything else. He is forcing me to divorce him and to sell the family home. I have to choose either to be with him and my son OR I go with my daughter. They have disowned me now too because I went to see her. I cannot believe it...
He is going to divorce me because I went to visit ‘Our’ daughter??? Is he crazy or What!!!
This man has gone mad and he has taken our son and turned him to be just like him..it truly makes me sick...my husband will not speak to anyone unless they are thinking the same way as he is..he will not negotiate and he will not accept my daughter’s choice in marriage..it’s impossible
I am in a mess..my life is in turmoil. It looks like I must attend my daughter’s wedding on my own. I never thought that circumstances could turn out like this. I will be forced to divorce. My family is destroyed and I will be alone without anyone in my life except a distant daughter. This is not fair since I am trying so hard to make this work for everyone..I am trying to make peace and bring the family together again..do I deserve this???

[Donte]

Wow Wow Wow! Magiore!

This is so exciting and distressing simulateously. I’m so happy you’ve rekindled your connection with your daughter. How beautiful to spend time together and enjoy each other’s company. How delightful that she has included you and your husband on the wedding invitations! That’s very kind and respectful and shows her love and gratitude for her family.

In terms of your husband, how sad but predictable. Clearly there’s no love in his heart or regard for you. I would seek legal advice from legal aid and family law. Maybe talk to the police also. Surely you have equal rights under the law and he doesn’t own you and neither your house and property. If he’s violent you can apply for an intervention order against him. He could also be liable for prosecution and mandatory anger management and behavior change courses as order by the court. Don’t despair. There’s lots of help available for you and for him. X