Parent of an estranged Adult daughter

[magiore]

I need to connect with other parents who are going through what I am going through.

I will be brief for now, but will discuss further once I connect with others who are going through the same crisis as mine.

It's been six weeks now our daughter left the family, she eloped and we don't know where she is. she left us suddenly, our lives changed practically overnight.

We cannot believe that she could such a thing, the guy and his family have brainwashed her and stolen her from us. I heard that she is already engaged to this guy and the family will marry her off as soon as possible. We cannot believe that she could do such a thing behind our back.

I need help, I have no one around me who is approaching me to help.

If there is anyone out there who is in a similar case to mine please reach out to me so we can come close to discuss our precious loss together.

Thank you

[Sophie_M]

Hi Magiore,

The moderators moved your thread to this section after reading your posts, as we felt that you would be more likely to get helpful responses here from members who would understand your situation.

You've now received a lot of replies from our members with a number of different perspectives and suggestions on how you might move forward, and it sounds like you have tried some suggestions yourself.  

Here on the forums, we are not able to provide solutions for your problems, but we can discuss how best you might support yourself in making decisions that are right for you.  

Please have a think about what you would like to get out of posting here on the forums, and in your next post give our members an idea of how we can best help and support you at the moment.

[Donte]

Hi Magiore,

It is a difficult time for all your family right now. It’s not easy for us parents to accept sometimes the way our children act. But what’s done is done. Is there something you can do now? What would that be? What’s your first priority and how would you go about it?

Perhaps setting immediate goals and intermediate ones or long term may help you develop some strategies to plan ahead. It seems somethings could be around you and supports as an individual and the way you feel aging in a relationship that may not be fulfilling. Perhaps some counseling could help. Other things would involve you and your children and your current and future relationship with them. Becoming an empty nester is not easy and we need to re invent ourselves and find new meaningful activities as we cease to be carers for our children. I’d suggest you make yourself a priority at this stage and be kind to yourself. X

[magiore]

Hi for anyone who is willing to follow my sad issue here....
I have some latest developments...
Just recently my daughter rang me out of the blue and I feel that she wants to have a connection with me again...I am hoping that it’s not to use me though...she always talks about me sending her belongings to her...I am the only one she is communicating with...She does not contact her father or her brother...she has no place for them anymore...they tell me it’s over between them and my daughter..they will not go to her wedding or ever want to see her again!
I am left in the middle...no one on my side...I have to fight this battle alone...
I am in a situation here where I have a daughter out there somewhere and BTW.the .marriage date is set...2 months from now...I can’t believe that...what’s the hurry to get married for goodness sake?
Then on the other side, I have my husband and son who are in total disagreement about her and what she is doing. I cannot accept that. I am going insane...help me please...
I have organised to meet my daughter in about two weeks time...what are the things I can do to help this situation we are in? I need help...I will meet her alone without my husband and son..btw they don’t know that I will meet her...I am doing this in secret...

[Ellie05]

Hi Magiore,

Thank you for your kind words -that really made my day. I'm sorry I've taken so long to get back to you (I've been on the job hunt which has mean't I've been very distracted).

It's great to hear you have many hobbies in order to distract yourself but I understand what you mean about having an underlying sense of sadness. I do think a counsellor could help (although you do need to find someone that you click with). Sometimes it just helps to have someone lend an supportive and non judgemental ear. Your GP can refer you if this is of interest.

I hope you are keeping well and things are starting to settle down a little.

[Donte]

Hi Magiore,

If i was you I would start looking for a nice dress, a beautiful pair of shoes, a bag, a nice hairdo etc. (I hope you are invited to the wedding and that you'll attend and enjoy the most joyous time in your daughter's life! Be a part of it. Embrace reality. Her reality. And stay relevant in her life.) It's beautiful to be young and in love. What a pity that your husband and son have chosen ego and stubbornness and will miss out forever in the opportunity to be a part of your daughter's most beautiful day due to their blindness. I find that really sad. X

[Hayfa]

Hello Magiore,

I am so happy to hear that your daughter made contact and you have a plan to see her in 2 weeks.
You have asked for ideas on what to do to help the situation you are in when you meet and speak with her.
I think that given the whole sensitive and emotionally charged situation, it would be ideal to really go in with calm and loving intentions, this will set the pace for a clear and warm discussion as opposed to an emotionally difficult and perhaps angry one.

I think it would be helpful to talk about how she is doing, ask about her plans and her needs and definitely ask about how she is feeling in all of this. Based on her responses to you, ideally you would want to keep an open mind and look for ways of bridging rather than allocating blame.
I don't think it helps much to talk extensively about how and why it happened, you should try to talk about ways of moving forward.
Listen to your daughter and what she may want to say to you, look for signs in her that may indicate she wants to make it better for her new family and her father.

I think this is a great opportunity and you would want to tread carefully about what you want to talk about because if it is a wonderful, calm discussion then your daughter is more likely to engage with you more later on.
Go and enjoy being with her, rebuild your connection with her and take it as it comes. As long as your intentions are to have peaceful relations and discuss things peacefully and civilly, you are more likely to have longer, trusting meetings again.

Your daughter may want to tell you more about her impending wedding, I think you need to be happy for her and show some support so that she will share with you.
What is important is that you both listen to each other and share your views with one another, it might be helpful to say that this is the intention before you get started on the day you meet.

Good luck with it Magiore, I am sure it will be fine and enjoyable if you go with that in mind.
Let us know how it goes.

Hayfa

[Donte]

Hey Magiore,

How you going? Was thinking as the time approaches to meet with your daughter, it could help, if you wrote down the things you’d like to address. Your main points. Just to help you have some structure in this time to stay focus and not become emotional or say things you might regret later. How does that sound?

[magiore]

Hi Donte
Thank you for your sincere concern for my sad circumstances. It’s truly a horrible time for me at the moment. I spend my weekend with my husband and son. I am partially separated from them. They are both together on this issue, totally against me and my daughter’s interests. I am trying so hard to keep our family together but we just fight every weekend and I end up leaving them in a state of extreme sadness and having no hope of them ever changing their minds. They are both very stubborn and don’t really care about me or my daughter. They have disowned her. I feel lonely and neglected and really trying so hard to fight this sad battle on my own.
Yes, I will be meeting my daughter in a few days time. It will be my ‘D’ day. I know that if my husband and son find out that I am going to meet my daughter they will disown me too. It’s going to be a very difficult week for me. I am very nervous because I really don’t know what to expect. It’s like I am meeting someone new, she is going to be different than before, I am very nervous wondering how the outcome will be. She tells me that she is really happy that she will see me again. But..she warned me not to come to see her to have an argument. I, naturally have a lot to tell her, be it right or wrong...I am really not sure how to tackle this. I have never been involved in something like this before. My ultimate aim is to try to reconcile her father and brother and her together again. But it appears to be highly unlikely that it will work..I am relying on a miracle. Any suggestions??

[white knight]

Hi Magiore

I do have a few tips of my own that you can adopt or leave alone at this meeting.

Her choice to marry quickly is a choice any adult can make, its her time, her decision, right or wrong in others eyes. So be it. We all have those choices at that time in our lives.

Ask questions like "how do you feel about life now"

"what will make you happy"

"Tell me about your man, I'm interested"

"What attracted you to him"

This is attention a child craves from a parent.

You have every right as a parent to have a relationship with her. If you husband and/or son disown you over that then yes, they are stubborn and WRONG. But its again, a decision they are entitled to have. The right journey is to be decisive on what is right and what is wrong. If their actions are wrong then there is no management on your part that can relieve that except total submissiveness and that isn't an option.

I hope you have a good calm meeting. All you have to do is remember that her decisions on her life is hers and you wish her well. If she wants you to attend her wedding and I was you- wild horses wouldn't stop me being there.

Tony WK

[Donte]

Hello Magiore,

Thank you for taking time to respond in the midst of such stressful and challenging time for you and your family. It is very sad and difficult indeed. So many complex issues unraveling simultaneously.

It will be good if you could do anything that works for you to remain calm, focused and take care of yourself as the days pass and your iminent meeting approaches. Eat well, rest, get plenty of fresh air and drink water. Avoid confrontations with your husband and son. Sounds basic but try to be as good as you can physically will affect positively your emotional and mental state.

Keep in mind that your daughter also will be feeling many emotions and may be in a place where she’d try to defend herself and protect her love for her future husband and show loyalty to him. However, she also wants to see you. And you are right now her only connection with her biological family. Try and nurture this connection. Do whatever you can to maintain and build it.

It might take numerous meetings before you could start talking about your husband and son. I would just go with the flow, enjoy the moments you’d spend, chat casually and friendly, thank her for willing to meet with you and express your genuine joy that you can do this together and ask her if she’s happy and if she needs anything from you. Make sure she knows how much you love her as a person no matter what decisions she make in her life. You are her one and only Mum and will always love her for she’s your daughter.

Let your daughter lead the pace. Don’t rash or try to control it. Treat it like you’re meeting a friend for coffee after not seeing her for a while. I think establishing a new relationship with her is your main priority here. And this takes time for trust to build.

I would take one tiny step at a time. Lots of deep breaths and be as calm as you can. Ideally, you’d want your daughter to be happy that she met you and to feel like it was the right thing. You’d want her to want to see you again soon. I would leave it at that at this stage. Anything she tells you should stay between the two of you and unless she asks, I wouldn’t bring her father and brother into this. Let her know that no one knows you’re meeting and that this is special for you. Reassure her that whatever you say will stay with you. Don’t take any sides. Hope that’s a good start. Hope all goes well! Hope we can chat again soon.

X