Mothers Day turmoil.

[Donte]

Today I’ve seen so many mums walking around proudly with their children, partners and friends, holding flowers and special gifts, having picnics and strolls at the parks and down the beach.

Busy Sunday today for mothers of all ages and shapes and sizes. It’s Mothers Day you see. This one day of the year that many countries have set aside to celebrate the significant role a mother has in family and society.

Behind the smiles, the flowers and the pleasantries of course always lurks pain and disappointment and emotional turmoil.

For those who enjoy a great relationship and connection with their mothers it can be a wonderful time. Mothers undoubtedly offer so much of themselves to raise their children and see them become valuable members of our society. It is most appropriate to take time to highlight the special role these women - the mothers - play in so many children’s lives.

However, many children also do not have that privilege. Many grow up in loveless, abusive households were violence, drugs, alcohol dependency, unemployment and mental illness steal the nurturing love they crave so much. Many mothers abandon or neglect their children. Others exploit them and abuse them. It happens in every culture. In every religion. In every community.

Mothers are just people. Girls, who grew up to be women, who have given birth to children.

Today, I’d like to think about those mothers, who like mine, were abused as children, and became pregnant during their teen years, having given birth to unwanted babies. Those who were not ready for motherhood. Or equipped. Or interested. Or capable. Those who’s lives are ruled by addictions, codependent relationships, uncertainty, violence and distress. Those who are under the rule of fear and their kids are neglected, misplaced, unloved and uncared for.

Beyond the cultural notion that motherhood is equivalent to martyrdom or sainthood, which many cultures uphold, including mine, I’m wondering how many of you have suffered abuse and neglect by your mothers, step-mothers and significant other women in your lives which has resulted in mental distress, anxiety, depression and addictive, destructive behaviors.

How has your relationship with your mother affected you and impacted on your ability to engage and form healthy relationships? How’s your cultural group views women and motherhood in particular? Does this equate with your personal experience?

[kanga_brumby]

All I can say is what of the poor child who looses it's mother. Because of an insidious illness, that claims so many. No way of stopping it, the doctors had their chance early. To stop it but chose to ignore the outward signs. Till after 2 years when the cancer had really spread. To the point it killed an innocent. Who kept saying there was something wrong for 2 1/2 years. Now her children are left with a grumpy old man as a farther. Who cares so deeply for them. So think of the poor mother who misses out on seeing her children grow up because of a medical stuff up.

Kanga

[Donte]

Hello Kanga,

Thank you for your reply. Indeed, what a sad situation that is for the children. Life is often different to what we have envisaged or dreamt of. Change is always taking place and loss is often part of this.

I often wondered through my experience of abuse and neglect growing up, if it would be better to not have a mother at all than to have the one I did. Some things are beyond our control. We can only do the best we can with whatever we have in our hands and within the circumstances we find ourselves in.

Hope the experience of loss you’ve described is not bringing you unbearable grief and you can provide some comfort to these children and their father. X

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Donte’ and Kanga,

Yes, I feel Mother’s Day is one of those days that can mean so many different things to different people. Joy in some and pain and angst in others...

Thinking of you both. For both your feelings of sadness, grief and loss, different as they may be...

Pepper xoxo

[Donte]

Thank you Pepper.

How are you?

Is Mother’s Day something celebrated in your cultural group or country of origin? How do you feel about it?

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Donte’,

Thank you for asking. You’re very caring 🙂 I’m in a weird state; I have gone emotionally numb so I’m now trying to find ways to remind myself that I’m “here” in this world. Sorry, I’m probably not making much sense.

Is Mother’s Day something celebrated in your cultural group or country of origin?

How do you feel about it?

Yes, it is celebrated 🙂 But we more or less just adopted it from other cultures. Traditionally, it wasn’t a celebration but we have “borrowed” (sorry, not sure if that’s the correct term) it from other cultures.

Typically, it includes gifts and eating out with family and extended family.

As for the second question, um, I’m struggling to answer. This numb thing is really limiting my emotional range at the moment...

Thanks Donte’ ❤️

Pepper xoxo

[Donte]

Thank you Pepper,

I hope you’re having an ok day. I hear you. It’s been a tough time for me too lately.

Thank you for taking time to read the threads and invest energy in this forum despite your current personal struggle. It means a lot.

I hope you also feel that this engagement is of some benefit to you too and provides a bit of a distraction, something out of whatever is going on in your mind at the moment; and helps you to remain engaged and connected with others in ways that are meaningful and beneficial.

I also grew up in a society where Mother’s Day wasn’t around when I was a kid. It was later on adopted and promoted similarly with Valentine’s Day, international woman’s day, elder abuse prevention day, white ribbon etc

Nowadays, is sort of expected and highly commercialized.

I’m in a predicament where my mother and father haven’t been in my life for a couple of decades and as they live overseas I tend to ‘miss out’ in all the expectations, pressures etc that other people are faced with.

So, I’m lucky in a way! X

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Donte’ and all,

Oh, I’m moved. Thank you very, very much 🙂 I’m grateful and honoured to be able to contribute on the forums.

I remember when the Multicultural forum was first created, I was so excited. It still has a very special place in my heart.

I really hope it grows and what better way to do it than to post some of my thoughts here? Lol. Pretty much, my mentality is if you want to see any thread or forum grow, one of the best ways is to post.

I feel many cultures, like yours and mine, have adapted it from elsewhere...I wonder about its origins. Where did mother’s day come from?

Yes, I think for some people (and businesses) it is mostly just about the commercial aspect. Then again, for others, it’s a day for family to get together. I suppose, it really depends...

But in your case, you don’t have to worry about Mother’s Day and Father’s Day expectations given your situation 😉

I hear you on the whole tough time struggle. I know you’ve been struggling...it’s totally optional but if you feel like it, maybe you could start your own personal support thread on one of the other forums e.g. depression, anxiety, etc.

That way, people can come and support you personally. But it’s obviously just an idea. You don’t have to do it.

Pepper xoxo

[Donte]

Thank you Pepper.

Admittedly I haven't explored much the other sections/forums of this website.

I am very passionate about cultural identity and diversity and the multicultural experiences section has attracted me from the beginning of my engagement with Beyondblue. I might have a look at other forums as well at some point.

As I am not only 'multicultural' person (I really don't like this expression and I don't identify with it personally, but unfortunately that's how it is - labels help 'the others' to understand and categorize and treat someone accordingly), would be great to look at the parenting, the older, the LGBTI etc forums too.

I have partaken and facilitated various support groups and had on and off counselling and medical interventions, so I am well-linked and supported. I often chat on Lifeline, CrisisLine, Mensline, Parentline etc when I need to.

Some therapists have suggested to explore 'breath' work and psychotherapy and other forms of 'alternative' approaches as the clinical psychological models are mostly based on 'talk' therapy which has its place but is not everything. I have been terrified to go that deep so I had stuck to talk therapy for years. Maybe one day...X

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Donte’ (and all),

It’s wonderful to hear how you seem to be very well supported and regularly use a range of support services. Good on you 🙂

Yes, I feel your passion for cultural identity and diversity really does show. I find this very inspiring.

There’s no urgency, need or pressure to check out the other forums but I just thought that I would mention it 😉 Just do what works for you. You’re doing a wonderful job on this forum...

I understand what you’re trying to express re: “multicultural” terminology. So I’m just wondering what would you personally suggest as an alternative word(s) to describe, for example, this particular forum?

Thanks Donte’, I always enjoy talking to you 🙂

Pepper xoxo