I want to smile so badley

[JazzK]

I havent smiles in a long while and i cant remember how i laugh. Last time i did both it felt good but when u get questioned so u feel quitly what you have done has put me in such a dark spot which should be ther best years of my life. My main issues are partner relationship problems but as of recent the one person i thought i could say anything too my bestfriend has gone mental at me and blaming me for conveying a story of the past and that vrought up issues for her which i was the rebound. Its so hard t9 not be able to talk to anyone. When i get yelled at or put down i just feel like self harming. The thoughts are there but never since being a newly mother i havent self harmed. My partner priotises his friends and addictions and ditches me even when it comes to family friends. I had so many chats saying i just want to be loved and i want his company. Being a mum i dont want to be a huge social butterfly as i want to be a family too. I just want therr to be a balance. I strongly believe people need space and have timr to themselve or friends but when its so much from his side i just feel like a only parent. Theres so much on my mind i just want to be able to smile and be happy again. Im not confortable in my skin anymore and sometimes i jist dont want to be on earth anymore. Thankfully ny daughter has a beautiful energy and surrounds me with love and pure white light. Can anyone help me. Im so lonely i just want to speak to anyone

[Peppermintbach]

Hi JazzK,

You sound very lonely and down. I agree that it can be very painful when there doesn’t seem to be people/friends around to share certain experiences with...I wonder if maybe it’s also a little perplexing/confusing to you that while you have a lot going for you (beautiful, wonderful things), you’re still struggling so much....

You’re always welcome to chat here of course. To lay down your burdens and hurt. I know we may not be able to resolve your issues, but we are listening and we do care...

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

[JazzK]

I was going to post a week ago everything was going ok. But I look back at the past few months and well I'm just ehhhhh whatever. I'd like to start off with an issue I've come across with myself. It came to bath time for my daughter and I've put it on hot (it takes a while to heat up and usually I get my little one undressed and in the meanwhile I usually get the water temp right. This time my partner decided to help as he watch me put some bubbles in he immediately said that's not how he does it, and I replied well I do it this way. He came up with a complaint like usual and I just said not everything has to happen your way and I just walked out the door to go to my son. Now usually I do t put my daughter in yet as I haven't check the water temp with my hand and my partner puts her in and she immediately says it's too hot. Again he has a go at me for making the water too hot and again I just replied, i havent checked it yet as I'm quickly Changing our son and a of not ha r put her in in the hot hot water. He complains again. Now from that little scenario I am so frustrated and just annoyed as I've got the kids ready for bed by myself and my little baby is crying. In also yes I ing my daughter to sleep in her own bed. About two hours later my daughter was getting on my nerves and from all that anger and frustration I smaked her. She cried and fell asleep. I feel so shitty as I shouldn't have done that. My patience wears thin and I'm so angry that my mood can just go to shit and be even shitter around my children just from those complaint ( if you have read my other stuff I'm just not coping with never being good enough for him) . I don't even know where to start other then trying to get it off my chest on this forum . Should I go see someone about my patience wearing thin when I'm just in a crappy mood, is it just because my daughter is in her terrible 2s so it's natural to feel frustrated. I feel like I've become a mean mum when I just want to be a wonderful mother who is happy. I don't want to rage at my beautiful children over these arguments and complaints I receive from my partner.

[Sad1234]

Donte seems to be pushing the leave your marriage aspect quite strongly. Please ignore that if possible. Thank you.

[JazzK]

It's my birthday, 29 and 2 kiddies. Today I thoyghtvthings might change but I was so wrong. From tonight my energy won't be given to the wrong people. I've decided it's just gonna be myself, my daughter and my son. My partner, well he's still there but just doesn't exist in my eyes anymore. Sick of trying to get his attention when I'm screaming out to him and yes that's a metaphor. I've had so many chats within about balance. Balance with friends and with his own family. He said thanks for letting him know and he will change, well the pattern is the same. Nothing new!!!! My energy with him is finished. Today is my birthday and he hasn't even been here, he gave me a phone call saying he has a present coming but he hasn't even been here. I went to put my kids to sleep and yet he just disappears once again, that was at 9pm and it's now 2.10 am. On just disappointment, more so for myself as I shouldnt have to feel so insecure. Like I actually do feel stable, i can just tell I'm wasting my time and it's so sad to say about the one I thought i love. Huge heartbreak. It just sucks as it feels that I'm the stupid one in this relationship

[JazzK]

There is a feeling inside of me, a feeling I can't describe because it's empty. I want to cry, I want to break everything, I need a hug. I need an emotional connection. I just feel so crap and not what I can potentially be. My poor kids see the crappy side of me. And I hate it so much.

[JazzK]

I've gotten to a point where I think it's me. I'm the toxic one, I'm the poison. Reviewing what I write, maybe it's all me. Maybe the reason why he isn't their is because I'm toxic and he would rather just be with his friends. It's sad as I really don't bring out the best in him at all and he doesn't bring out the best in me. I'm a hairdresser and I'm slowly trying to bring a clientele for home salon. I've made flyers, business cards, made Instagram to promote myself and I chose not to even tell him about it as I am so nervous he will complain, or bring me down on some way. I wish I had him to believe in me, but as my attention has been on the kids and no energy on him, I've seen that how toxic this relationship is . It's heart breaking as I am so lonely and needing that love to feel settled. I just get it in other ways through my kids. Anyways jazz, hopefully things don't get too down from here next time I speak

[Emmen]

Hi JazzK,

I'm really sorry you're going through this day after day. I can see what a toll it has taken on you and it's heartbreaking.

May I ask why you stay in the marriage? Is it because of your kids? Or because of a lack of choice? It doesn't sound like you get any pleasure from it so it can't be for you.

One of the things about having abusive or neglectful people around us is that we end up blaming ourselves for our situations. We think, perhaps we deserved it....perhaps the problem is with us. You saying that you may be the toxic one sounds exactly like that.

Anyone who ensures constant neglect and accusations like you do will end up taking our frustrations somewhere. In your case, unfortunately, your children see you being upset and frustrated. This affects their growing up experiences as well, and they end up the unintended victims of your domestic situation. But the one thing I want you to know is: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You are not a toxic person. I see someone who is struggling with a neglectful domestic situation. A woman who loves her children and tries her best to be a good mother to them. Despite your frustrations and disappointments, you never stop trying. You're even starting a home salon, which I imagine will give you some joy and purpose. You have the strength to tell us your story, and that's something I respect.

If you wish to stay with him, I think you should go for marriage counselling together. He does not seem to respect you and that, I find quite unforgivable. The fact that you've already spoken to him about this and he didn't even bother to change says a lot about how badly he is treating you. Perhaps he thinks you will not leave, whatever he does? Whatever the reason, please remember that it is he who is treating you badly. You don't deserve this, not at all.

- M

[JazzK]

Tonight you said "Your a new level of stupidity"

....

I can feel the sadness in every thought and movement I make to try to keep it together! I'm hurt!!!

I wish I had to courage to say this to you...
Dear ....., I'm fighting everyday to do the next day betrer, I'm fighting everyday to make a difference. I'm fighting everyday to have strength, I'm fighting everyday to be happy. I'm fighting everyday to show how powerful I am.

I don't think I have ever brought the best out in you. Even at the start. I have never really made you bang with happiness. You are so tired of me and I think I make you sleepy (metephor)
I don't think you like to come home, you don't want to be in my company . I don't think I keep you alive.
From my view, it seems I annoy you, small talk or no talk. Maybe a hi but not a spark of passion, happiness, joy or appreciation
It reflects back on me as I am doing g all I can to get In return nothing but miserable.
I see you with your friends and your as high as a kite. You ego is in the clouds. I'm jealous. I am absolutely jealous.
I will fight everyday but know it's a struggle she your half way drowning

It could be better, but it's now so awkward. Give you a kiss "What are you doing?"give you a hug "what the hell are you doing?".
I'm hurt............
"YOUR A NEW LEVEL OF STUPIDITY"
You really have killed my soul

[Noya]

Hello Jazz

Thank you for taking out courage and reaching out. I understand your struggle of not being able to smile or laugh and I feel for you. However you have taken the first step of sharing your experience, please know you are not alone and it does get better. There is plenty of help available on Beyond Blue's website. However hard it might seem to call and speak to someone, sometimes it is the best thing to release the pain by sharing with someone. All I can say is please stay strong, this is temporary and call on the beyond Blue's helpline number 1300 22 46 36. Jazz reach out I promise this gets better. So proud of you!

[Emmen]

Hello JazzK,

This is not what a marriage should be. I'm glad you have this avenue to voice out what's in your mind. But I really wish you knew that none of this is your fault. It breaks my heart to hear you talk about how you have failed when I see you trying to hard to keep an undeserving person happy. He is neglecting you. You deserve happiness and satisfaction. Instead, you're here, telling us how miserable you feel.

I wish it gets better for you, JazzK. It's been so many years and you're still just hanging on.

- M