Ex husband moves back to ex wive’s home temporarily and it’s been more than a year!

[Donte]

I have a Shri Lankan friend who’s a single mum raising her teenage son the last few years since her divorce.

We met three years ago and I have been there for her at times when she needed help with moving some furniture and obtaining reference for job applications etc. Our dogs play together often and love each other’s company and our children sometimes socialize with each other.

She has severe anxiety and depression and drinks and smokes a lot as a coping mechanism. We often have discussions about relationships, our experiences as single parents, raising teenagers, growing up in a different country, our migration, personal trauma etc.

A year ago her ex husband who’s Iranian became homeless as the place he was renting was demolished to become apartments. He asked her if he could ‘couch surf’ for a while until he finds his feet again (he was also unemployed and all of his family is back in Iran).

My friend is of soft and sensitive nature and struggles a lot to say no. She has issues with boundaries and often cannot deal with various issues that her teenage daughter presents her with.

She accepted her ex husband into her little two bedroom flat. She said she had no choice. After all he is the father of her daughter and he had nowhere to live. Despite the noble act, he’s been sleeping on the sofa for more than 12 months now and the situation is getting out of hand as he’s still unemployed, he also drinks and smokes a lot and suffers from depression and doesn’t pay rent or bills and she feels his stay has outgrown her welcome but has no way of telling him and doesn’t know how to push him to move along.

Her anxiety has escalated, and she feels desperate and hopeless. She often cries and tries to go out so she won’t be in the same home with him. Her daughter loves her dad and enjoys the fact that he’s moved back in with them. Her school work and attendance has improved.

However, there is no way these two would be a pair again according to my friend and he often goes out late at night and ‘dates’ or has one night stands. She feels betrayed and hurt as after all this help she offered he’s been very selfish and disrespectful even though she swears that she doesn’t love him and in no way things could ever work between them.

I have actually met the guy and had a few beers here and there and a couple of chats and have to admit that I like him, but I also like his ex wife, my friend, and at times when all three of us socialized it was great!

How would you help?

[white knight]

Hi Donte

Your female friend has some learning to do with boundaries. She will go on in life making the same mistakes over and over if she doesn't learn them. Soft hearts get squashed by foam.

I suggest she take the easier road for herself in that she at first asks him what timeframe he has to move out. He might say "3 months" for example. Then she can say "ok, I will give you 4 months and that will be the end because you were here as emergency accommodation and its been far too long.

Set the date, put it on a calendar on the wall/fridge and that is the date. Two weeks prior to the date she warns him the date is approaching and "I hope sincerely that you moving out wont be an issue with me". From then on she has done enough. The date passes and she tells him that he has given her no option but to get him removed by the police. This last option is tough but he has created the problem.

TonyWK

[pastapat]

I like the idea about asking about a timeline for him to move out. He is probably thinking it is ok to live there as she hasn't said anything about it and he probably knows she is easy going and soft.

Is he getting unemployment benefits? If he is, he should be contributing to the household bills and food etc.

Maybe she could suggest going on flatmates site and getting a share room close by so the daughter can still see him a lot but not be a burden to his ex wife?

[Donte]

Hello White Knight!

Great advice indeed.

I Had done the same once years ago with a girlfriend who had moved in temporarily seeking refugee on my couch after a break-up and was there 6 months later. As she wasn't even looking for places and had settled in quiet comfortably while working full-time and not contributing a cent to the expenses, and as she didn't seem to mind at all about the discomfort and inconvenience she was causing me (in a tiny bedsitter mind you), she came home one Monday morning after a weekend of partying and the police escorted her out of my flat. She barely had 5 minutes to pack up her stuff.

It's harder in this particular case though as a child is involved and it seems the presence of the father is truly needed and cherished.

Not sure what the court arrangements are in regards to custody. But ultimately the mother has to be the one who makes the decision it seems otherwise this guy is not moving out in a hurry. It may be also that in her culture for a woman to do something like that and seem as she is disadvantaging her daughter from her father's presence is unfathomable. So she may be scared of the community's criticism. Hard to say as I don't know much about these two cultures.

Maybe though as you said, she might have to bite the bullet and be the 'bad' one by taking action otherwise we might still be discussing this next year or the year after.

[Donte]

Hello Pastapat,

Thank you for contributing to this discussion.

I remember the lady saying that her ex husband refuses to apply for unemployment benefits as it is seen as shameful thing in his culture. He's too proud!

The appropriate thing to do is to go to his daughter's mother and stay with her, according to him. It is sort of given apparently in his culture. If there's anyone reading from that particular cultural background would be good to hear your point of view as I don't know anything at all about these two cultures or their beliefs. I just have to take things for face value as they seem or as they describing them to me.

What I don't understand is why would this woman go along when she's not even from the same culture. Unless at some subconscious level she still loves him and thinks that something may happen between them. Or she may believe that is good for her daughter to have her father around at this critical age. I really don't know.

But then again, if that was the case she wouldn't be anxious and frustrated and so depressed...

I have suggested the idea of renting a room nearby but she told me he has no money at all.

Meanwhile, he opened up to me once and from what he was saying he believes it's a blessing for their daughter to have him around as she feels so much better and her school work is going well, not skipping school or sleeping in anymore and his presence and discipline helps her grow up and become responsible instead of having her mum spoon-feeding her all the time.

I think he may really believe he's helping them out by staying there.

I really don't want to take sides as I actually like the guy and a bit of a friendship is developing between us.

I guess we don't need to solve all of the world's problems. Time will show what happens with these two...

[Hayfa]

Hi Donte'

This is really in some way, a funny story and I must admit that as I was reading all these conversations I thought, if these two were a actually a couple, your friend would not tolerate this behaviour and she would argue with him about it perhaps even instigating his flee.

Maybe you should tell her to reconsider a rekindle of the relationship since he is so comfortable and it seems to be mutually beneficial for the daughter.
Perhaps she can reapply some rules for him being there making him carry a bit more responsibility? This should test him...he will either comply or run.

Hayfa

[Donte]

Hi Hayfa,

Not sure what were the reasons of their separation in the first place but what you are describing is not an impossible proposal! 🙂

[Donte]

Today I went to the local park to see my friend’s daughter play competition soccer with her team.

I have been invited before but never took the time to attend. Today as I was walking the dogs I remembered about the game and her invitation and decided to remain in the park and watch the game.

It was such a beautiful afternoon and the warm sun was inviting enough to make you wanna stay. I felt sort of obliged too as I had declined the past few invites. (I’m not a sport fan and cannot sit still to watch a Gabe of any sort).

Well, today I did. And I’m glad for it! The most beautiful thing was to see these two parents, who are delegated, uniting to see their daughter play! I was observing them and couldn’t help but feel pride and the love they both share for their child is evident.

I bet it means the world to their daughter, to have both Mum and Dad attending the game and observing, cheering, supporting...

It is very empowering when we can put our differences and personal issues aside and come together to support and celebrate our child’s efforts and achievements. Great role modeling. X