Does the full moon affect you?

[Donte]

The other night when we had a full moon I happen to take my puppy downstairs before bedtime and even though it was almost midnight, I was taken aback by the powerful light emitting from the moon. It was illuminating my path to the point that I didn’t need to use my iPhone to see my steps.


It’s very rarely living in the big city that one gets to see the night sky in its glory. But that night seemed different. Bright stars and moonshine flooding the landscape.


Then suddenly, I heard the laughter of a young child embracing me...I closed my eyes and saw my daughter’s face some twenty two years ago...How quickly time has passed!


I remembered the middle of the small flat I have rented and her laughter giving me joy, purpose and meaning...defining me, guiding me and providing me with healing from my own childhood wounds...


Maybe parenthood is a second chance to wash away the pain. I always wanted everything out of my life you know, and I have paid for it, I can assure you.
So as for the heart to have a place to rest before it gets old.


I don’t know about you but when there’s a full moon I think it’s nice; but it’s also melancholic.


Silence is different when you are alone.
I’m not sure if I feel sorrow but I have missed
the young man that I once was. Aging in a new country away from your family, your relatives, your childhood friends and neighbors etc is something that I’ve never done before.


I feel no pain most of the times but I have missed
my love’s lustful lies that made everything look so nice. Died so young. Was so eager to leave it all behind. And I hardly had the time to say goodbye. It’s going to be five years next month even if it feels like centuries at times, while at other moments it feels just like yesterday. As if time has completely stopped. Life has frozen. Time doesn’t exist.


It is hard for someone to be alone; to lose their love.
I can tell that to you now that the truth doesn’t hurt me any more. Now that this is my daily reality. My routine.
Even if I am strong,
I sometimes need some body by my side.
Solitude does know how to set its traps and hurts.


How’s your experience aging in Australia? Have you mourned a loved one? Does that grief and loss ever leave us? Maybe some things happen only once in a lifetime...tonight, like the other night, I’m feeling blue.

[Birdy77]

Hey Donte',

So sorry to hear you feeling so blue ...

I think if I was to lose my partner, I would feel just like you do ... I would feel so lost. She and I have made our life together away from other family etc, and she is everything to me. I am pleased you have your daughter, do you have a nice relationship?

I often think about "what if I lose her?". I was thinking it this morning as I watered the garden. What came to me was W H Auden's "Stop all the clocks " poem.

You are not alone Donte'.

🌻birdy

[Donte]

Hi Birdy77,

Thank you for your kind words. It’s going to be five years this May. Weird. Feels like yesterday but also a century ago. So many things have changed but nothing has simultaneously.

I do have a close relationship with my daughter. I raised her. She still lives with me at 22. Sometimes I wish she’d leave and other times I feel lost thinking that she will one day.

Single parents can develop a close bond with their children, in the absence of a partner, but this can also be unhealthy.

I often struggle between what’s right and what’s embedded in me from my cultural and religious experience. Often this is very conflicting and confusing.

I haven’t read the ‘stop the clocks’poem yet.

Only thing I can say is cherish each moment because nothing lasts forever. X

[Quercus]

Hi Donte,

Just checking to see how you are feeling. Has the deep melancholy you felt subsided at all? How do you usually manage times that remind you of your loss? Is there anything we can do to help?

Another thread reminded me of a time where there was a strong risk I would lose my husband to illness. I remember walking and rocking our son even though he had long fallen asleep. Son curled up in my arms and our daughter in my belly I surrounded myself with part of the man I love so very deeply. The idea of losing him was distressing.

So I can't imagine your grief. Or distress. But I do think the joy your find in your daughter's company is a normal way of reminding yourself a part of the person you treasure remains.

There are days I find myself speaking to our kids and smiling at the words because they are an echo of what someone I loved once said to me. It reminds me that my Grandma may be gone now but that doesn't mean he influence and love are gone. The fact that I copy her mannerisms reminds me love always remains.

I hope that gives you a measure of comfort. Or if not please at least know I care.

❤ Nat

[Donte]

Hello Nat,

Thank you for your kind words. I’m ok.

Five years later, I have learnt to normalize the pain. The loss. I have learnt to live without. The grief is part of me. Integral part of my make-up. This is who I am now. The loss of a loved one is never replaced. When they die, a part of yourself dies with them. The part of you that reacted in specific ways due to them. The part that only they could bring up to the surface. That dies with them. And death is permanent and real.

Something gets interrupted and it will never become one again. So it takes time, years, decades perhaps, but some get to a point to live without that part. Life carries on with or without us.

There is also the part of them that keeps living in us. This also reminds us of how it was and how it is.

There’s anger, rage, depression, anxiety, fear, apathy, and myriads of other emotions that unexpectedly surface at the most inappropriate times and affect you and your behavior. A reminder that you are a different human being now.

But there is absolutely nothing one can do to bring them back. (The dead ones and the experiences). I just hold the urn with the cremated remains and cry or swear or scream or just smile. It means everything to me and it means nothing at the same time.

Love these forums. They provide distraction and engagement and reassurance that we are not alone, and that there are people worse off than us and others better off. X

[Quercus]

Hi Donte,

What a moving post. I'm glad you love the forums too because you have a real gift with expressing feelings.

I smiled when you spoke about emotions at the wrong times. I find it so true. You think you're ok and then the tiniest thing can just kick you in the guts.

Our new rental for example. An old old house. I went to take a shower and the smell and taste of the water took me back about 25 years. And I just cried and cried. Hubby poked his head in wondering what on earth was going on. I couldn't explain. The feeling of loss and grief and love and comfort and feeling safe. From the simple smell and taste of water from an old house.

I wonder if one day you might consider a thread about grief and loss? I think many others will relate. And maybe it will help you too?

I hope today is the kind of day the ashes make you smile.

[Donte]

Thank you Quercus,

What a lovely reply! You definitely made me smile with your closing phrase. X

[Donte]

Great idea Quercus.

Can’t remember if I’ve spoken about loss and grief in the past.

It would be interesting to see the various perspectives that people have when mourning dependent on their cultural background and how this may impact on mental health.

X

[Quercus]

Hi Donte,

I agree with your comment about mourning in different cultures.

I wonder what it must feel like to live in Australia if your culture has very specific ways to mourn or show grief. Grief is hard enough without piling judgement on top.

[Donte]

That's true Quercus.

I remember my grandma dressed in yellow and red and shocking pink in her late 80's when everyone was expecting her to be wearing black as it was customarily appropriate for an elderly woman mourning. Yet, she despised everyone and didn't care about the expectations and societal traditions, and in her usual defiant way did whatever she felt like. Love that woman! She's been my inspiration and role model since I was little. People would point at her down the street and gossip but she'd say 'nobody knows what you are cooking inside your own pot, and it's nobody's business...' She taught me that I am my own benchmark. 🙂