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Chris_B Welcome to the Multicultural Experiences section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, Welcome to the Multicultural Experiences section, a sub-forum within the wider beyondblue forum community. beyondblue acknowledges and respects the diversity of communities across Australia, including Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islande... View more

Hi everyone, Welcome to the Multicultural Experiences section, a sub-forum within the wider beyondblue forum community. beyondblue acknowledges and respects the diversity of communities across Australia, including Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people as the First Australians. beyondblue also recognises the complexities of identity and that people may identify with more than one community. Depression, anxiety and suicide can affect any of us at any time – regardless of our culture or background. We also know that a range of factors can make it harder for people in some communities to seek and access support. This section is for members born overseas, are the children of parents born overseas, have a language other than English as your primary language, or come from a family with mixed cultural heritage. Please be aware that posts in this forum may contain discussions of suicide, self-harm and/or traumatic life events. As per our community rules, please be mindful when posting about the level of detail you share on these topics as it can be upsetting for other members. We look forward to hearing your stories. Become a Multicultural Correspondent Are you from a culturally and linguistically diverse (CALD) background? Are you interested in being a regular contributor to this section? We are seeking members who will actively participate in discussions and start up new threads on topics of interest to CALD communities (6-10 quality posts per week). Please get in touch with our team to discuss.

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Donte The starfish on the sand!
  • replies: 14

Tonight's beautiful summer night reminded me one summertime long ago walking on the beach with my parents at twilight. The air was warm and the wet sand under our feet inviting and refreshing. We walked for miles, sometimes talking, other times silen... View more

Tonight's beautiful summer night reminded me one summertime long ago walking on the beach with my parents at twilight. The air was warm and the wet sand under our feet inviting and refreshing. We walked for miles, sometimes talking, other times silently listening to the waves crushing, the seagulls, the wind. We came to a secluded beach where a few starfish had been washed ashore. Then I remembered my dad telling me a story: 'Once there was a man walking on the beach and there were hundreds and hundreds of starfish everywhere on the sand. He started picking them up one by one and throwing them back in the water. Another man was walking by and asked him what was he doing. The man exclaimed that he was throwing them back into the water. "But there are so many of them, thousands maybe, do you think it will make any difference if you throw this one back in?", said the man pointing to the one the guy was holding in his hands and was about to throw back into the water. "Well, for THIS ONE it will make a difference", the man answered and threw the starfish he was holding back in the water.' Sometimes we may doubt the power we have in influencing others. We may feel inadequate to help. Or too small. Perhaps overwhelmed by the weight of caring for someone who goes through a tough time while simultaneously we have to juggle so many different issues and challenges. The world is full of need it seems. Every corner there is someone asking for something. At every light we are stopped there is some type of fundraising for good and worthy causes. Sometimes we may wonder, 'what difference does it make?'. It may feel like a drop in the ocean, but like the starfish in the story I was told that night, we can make a difference for that one person, that one situation, the event that we happen to be part of. The one word, gesture, look etc may be all it takes to make a difference at that moment in someone's life. We may not be Counsellors. We may not be able to give advice or solve anything, but we might be the only person at any particular moment that can hug someone in a time of need, offer a glass of water, give a card, some flowers, an empathetic ear. For a person suffering in anguish, anxious or depressed unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, we may be the only thing they need at that moment. Do you have experiences where this has happened to you? When you found yourself in a situation where you knew you made a difference? Tell us about it!

Donte How do you deal with loved ones who want to fix you?
  • replies: 1

Many of us may have families, loved ones, friends, neighbors or colleagues who want to always offer advice and ‘fix’ our problems with their solutions! That’s beautiful in a way and may indicate their caring nature and loving character. Their intenti... View more

Many of us may have families, loved ones, friends, neighbors or colleagues who want to always offer advice and ‘fix’ our problems with their solutions! That’s beautiful in a way and may indicate their caring nature and loving character. Their intentions may be noble and genuine. Sometimes though, their care and love can be overburdening. You may wake up with their messages telling you that they think of you or constantly asking you how you feeling and if you are ok and what can they do for you. I don’t know about you but I just can’t cope with people like this. One by one I have kept them at a safe distance and through the years have cut many off my life altogether. This is because I cannot cope with smothering and feel suffocated, especially from family members who do not know the meaning of boundaries, privacy, personal space and adulthood. Particularly, when it comes to health and mental health especially, it seems often everyone is an expert or a guru and the moment you give in to their constant interrogation by providing a bit of a glimpse of how you feel on the inside, they tend to jump in and take over, offering their ‘expertise’ and solutions ranging from the latest medical research results to crystals, herbs and astrology! Not to mention the religious beliefs and their personal dogmas that suddenly you are meant to take on board or you’re an evil person that deserves your suffering! I find this type of ‘caring’ highly offensive. And disrespectful. People supposedly caring, do not listen to you or pay attention, they don’t even give you the chance often, to articulate what is going on and how you perceive it in your troubled mind. People mostly listen with the intention to reply, and not because they want to hear you. Before you finish your sentence, they’ve jumped in and made their own conclusions and carry on from there presenting you with arguments to support their thinking and prove you wrong. This type of mentality can often be more pertinent in culturally and linguistically diverse groups as they often operate on a collectivist - tribal mentality versus an individualist - person-centered one. All hell can brake loose if you dare to challenge them. If you dare to be you. If you dare to disagree. I’m currently dealing with this issue with my brother who constantly gives me books, sends me invites to lectures and motivational events and pushes me to anger and I struggle to not react and get into fights. Any ideas could help me I guess.

Donte Don’t let them show that you’re suffering.
  • replies: 0

Like many in different cultures, I grew up feeling that it wasn’t appropriate to show weakness. It wasn’t good for people to know that you are suffering. They may take advantage of you or ridicule you and you’ll most likely have bad experiences if yo... View more

Like many in different cultures, I grew up feeling that it wasn’t appropriate to show weakness. It wasn’t good for people to know that you are suffering. They may take advantage of you or ridicule you and you’ll most likely have bad experiences if you chose to open up and show your vulnerabilities. Almost fifty years later, I still have very vividly the picture in my mind of my grandmother (who practically raised me as my mother was unavailable most of the time and my father absent), struggling stubbornly and defiantly to walk with the aid of an umbrella as she refused to get a walking stick in case people say she’s disabled! Not sure what condition she had but couldn’t move her legs from the knees down. This super-strong, independent, hard and defiant woman would dress immaculately, wear wigs and make-up and the most colorful clothes I had ever seen! All this, during a time in a country were any woman over 60 was considered old and it wasn’t culturally appropriate to wear anything but dark colors like blue, grey or black. Well, grandma was wearing fluorescent bright yellow and orange and red lipstick and had an array of various coloured wigs and Jewelry to make Cindy Lauper envious (if you know what I mean!) I loved that woman! Admired her and deeply respected her for she was the one who taught me that ‘I’m aloud’ and ‘It’s ok’ and ‘the world can say whatever they wanna say’! And yet, despite this strength of character and resilience, my grandma was fragile and vulnerable when it came to stigma. She didn’t want to accept that she was disabled. She didn’t want others to know either. I remember when later in life she visited us here in Australia, she was adamant not to use a wheel chair to be pushed around (even when offered at the airport upon arrival!). In a culture fascinated with perfection and obsessed with youthfulness and good looks, how does one come to accept their limitations? How do you fight internalized shame and stigma? Where do you draw your strength from when your immediate family, neighborhood, friends and society frowns down upon you? What is your cultural experience of stigma when it comes to physical or mental disabilities? How can we get from a place of shame to a place of pride ? To own and accept our disabilities and be proud of who we are without the need to hide them, to cover them up? How do we get rid of the umbrella and grab our walking stick?

Donte Is aging synonymous to depression, anxiety and mental illness?
  • replies: 4

Tonight I was reading some poetry of one of my favourite Greek Poets, Constantine Cavafy, born in Alexandria in 1863. One of my favourites of all time has been the 'Candles' for it encapsulates the experience of aging. Even though written in Greek, I... View more

Tonight I was reading some poetry of one of my favourite Greek Poets, Constantine Cavafy, born in Alexandria in 1863. One of my favourites of all time has been the 'Candles' for it encapsulates the experience of aging. Even though written in Greek, I found a translation that is close to the original text and I'd like to share it with you: 'Days to come stand in front of us like a row of lighted candles— golden, warm, and vivid candles. Days gone by fall behind us, a gloomy line of snuffed-out candles; the nearest are smoking still, cold, melted, and bent. I don’t want to look at them: their shape saddens me, and it saddens me to remember their original light. I look ahead at my lighted candles. I don’t want to turn for fear of seeing, terrified, how quickly that dark line gets longer, how quickly the snuffed-out candles proliferate.' Translated by Edmund Keeley/Philip Sherrard (C.P. Cavafy, Collected Poems. Translated by Edmund Keeley and Philip Sherrard. Edited by George Savidis. Revised Edition. Princeton University Press, 1992) How is aging viewed in your culture? How do elderly get treated in your country of origin or your community here in Australia? And is there a link between aging and mental illness? How do people in your circle deal with their mortality or the mortality of their loved ones? How do you view the end of life through your cultural or spiritual lenses? Many culturally and linguistically diverse elderly experience loss and grief, depression, anxiety and/or other mental illnesses without necessarily having a diagnosis. Many may not be aware that this is not a normal part of aging. Often medications prescribed for various other conditions can cause depression as a side-effect. Is there someone you know that has been affected by depression, anxiety and/or other illnesses but doesn't realise it? Hasn't been diagnosed? Or perhaps their cultural and religious beliefs stop them from asking for help? How can you support them? How do you start a conversation around this often 'taboo' topic? I'd like to hear your perspectives....

Donte The Power Of Thought
  • replies: 8

Our thoughts generate more thoughts. Thoughts often create emotions as we respond to them. That process generates action. This action becomes our behaviour and eventually our way of life. From thoughts, emotions, actions, our life unfolds moment to m... View more

Our thoughts generate more thoughts. Thoughts often create emotions as we respond to them. That process generates action. This action becomes our behaviour and eventually our way of life. From thoughts, emotions, actions, our life unfolds moment to moment, each one building or reacting to the other. Thoughts then, have great power and affect our wellbeing and mental health. But where do thoughts come from? They're influenced by our culture, religion or beliefs, traditions, our families, the society and the era we live in and the stimuli around us. Do our thoughts then, particularly in the way our culture and beliefs have an influence on them, take us toward a healthier, happier, more positive approach to life? Do our thoughts, influenced by our cultural context, help us to recover from illness or trauma? Whatever we are inclined to think naturally, does it tend to be optimistic, problem solving, looking at the opportunities in every challenge that arises or does it drag us down? What may be some thought patterns developed through growing up in our specific context that keeps us from progressing towards a healthier wellbeing? And, how can we become more aware of our thoughts and determine our relationship with them? How do we achieve moments of rest from thought which are essential for our wellbeing? How do we withdraw from our senses to quiet the thoughts and allow the power of the mind to emerge and be felt? For me, it is about focusing my attention on the breath and let my mind relax and open. It's something I've learnt from my childhood, as growing up in Greece we had a compulsory afternoon siesta, where everything (including school, shops etc) will stop for a couple of hours to allow everyone to take a break, to stop, rest, physically and mentally, contemplate, meditate, switch-off, before returning back to the tasks of the day. I vividly remember those long summer afternoons, when no one would be out on the streets, and we kids were not allowed to wander around, neither chat with each other or watch tv, listen to radio etc - we had to lie down and remain still, listening to the cicadas in the background and just breathe. I now realize that these were my very first mindfulness lessons. If our thoughts trouble us, if worry, fear, stress, anxiety or depression have taken over our lives, could it be that by altering our thoughts we may be able to influence our feelings, actions, attitudes and environment and create a healthier mental state?...

Donte Does violence happen in culturally and linguistically diverse relationships like in other relationships and can it affect mental health?
  • replies: 0

Violence in relationships is more common than most people think. Violence doesn't discriminate. Intimate violence takes place in all communities and religious groups. It affects people of all ages, socioeconomic status, gender etc. Traditionally, fam... View more

Violence in relationships is more common than most people think. Violence doesn't discriminate. Intimate violence takes place in all communities and religious groups. It affects people of all ages, socioeconomic status, gender etc. Traditionally, familial violence has mainly been discussed in Australia in terms of anglo/straight relationships. Not much data is collected on culturally and linguistically diverse couples specifically, including cross-cultural and/or interfaith relationships and the impact on mental health for the partners and/or the children. The truth of the matter is that relationship violence is an issue for every community, even the ones that do not admit to it. It is generally believed that mental health can be a risk factor contributing to partner violence. It could also be an outcome of the violence itself. In situations where migrants are non-English speaking newly-arrived from countries were they have experience hardship and trauma, it may be more difficult to 'speak up' and be heard, having very limited or no resources to deal with the issue. Many migrants who experience violence in their relationships aren't willing to talk about it or ask for help from either friends (fear of judgement) or professional counsellors (lack of ability to navigate the system and access issues due to linguistic or cultural barriers). They often may feel too embarrassed to talk about it, believe that they won't be taken seriously, or convince themselves that the violence is due to the migration stress and the challenges in the new country and that is just a passing phase in the relationship. Many may not be aware of the law in Australia and/or their rights. They may come from a culture where violence is excused and/or tolerated. In some cases, victims can even think that they deserve it or invent excuses on their partner's behalf. For those reasons, relationship violence within certain communities can often go unnoticed and unreported for long periods of time. Stopping violence in a relationship can seldom be done from the inside. However, many non-English speaking people are often not asking others for help. This can lead to anxiety, depression and other mental health issues. Most professional services are geared towards English-speaking women although there are a few services that are recognised for their sensitivity to non-English speaking communities. If you are experiencing violence in your relationship, how can you talk to someone about it?

nevergiveup245 Feeling really hopeless about high possibility of family rejecting me
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone, I joined a few years ago but this is my first post here. I am Asian and identify as queer, but mostly attracted to women. I am in the closet for a few years now and not out to any family members. I am feeling hopeless right now because t... View more

Hi everyone, I joined a few years ago but this is my first post here. I am Asian and identify as queer, but mostly attracted to women. I am in the closet for a few years now and not out to any family members. I am feeling hopeless right now because the high possibility of my parents rejecting me if I come out to them. Thinking about this has really affected me. I don’t have many lgbti friends I can really talk to, and I can’t see my psychologist any time soon. I am not thinking about coming out soon or anything, but just worrying about this makes me feel really down. Family is conservative and have conservative views of marriage and having kids and all. Some religious family members as well. I feel just all bogged down by this. But I also want to live in a way that is authentic to myself. How do you all deal with it? Is there any hope having family members like this?

calm_mind 32 years of an arranged marriage - I need help
  • replies: 18

Hi, This is my first post; I am not sure where to start. I need help. I am 55 years old, 32 years of (arranged) married life; he is 9 years older than me. Struggled all my life with depression, consulted many therapists in over 17 years; Unable to co... View more

Hi, This is my first post; I am not sure where to start. I need help. I am 55 years old, 32 years of (arranged) married life; he is 9 years older than me. Struggled all my life with depression, consulted many therapists in over 17 years; Unable to cope with my husband's manipulations, tantrums and much more. There is absolutely no connection (emotional, intellectual, physical what so ever)between us. In the 7 years of therapy, I have learnt to put some labels for his behaviour/ attitude such as (i) lack of empathy (ii) very very shallow emotions (iii) parasitical attitude (iv) emotional blackmail, irresponsible etc. I lost trust in God but I meditate, my mind is very quiet. I have learnt to manage many things in these years. But his fault finding/cynical / irresponsible talk triggers violent anger in me. I need help to get rid of anger from my being. I am not sure, what more to write. Thank you very much

Donte Caring for someone with a chronic mental illness
  • replies: 5

Just bumped onto my neighbor down the street. He was very distraught. He got back from a shopping centre with his son (30+yo), who hears voices and sees things that are not there. He usually avoids crowded places, he told me. But today he had nowhere... View more

Just bumped onto my neighbor down the street. He was very distraught. He got back from a shopping centre with his son (30+yo), who hears voices and sees things that are not there. He usually avoids crowded places, he told me. But today he had nowhere to leave him. His son had an episode in the midst of the shopping centre and started shouting, kicking and fighting invisible beings while people laughed, took photos and videos or run away scared. It was humiliating. My neighbour started crying. In his country, he told me, his son wouldn't be allowed to go out. He'd be locked away somewhere. He often has to deal with strong emotions, like anger, guilt, grief and distress, that can spill into other relationships and cause conflict and frustration. Looking after their son has severely affected their marriage, he told me, and he is not intimate with his wife for years now. He feels isolated, missing the social opportunities associated with work, recreation and leisure activities. They haven't been on a holiday for years and even if they could afford it, there's no way they can leave their son somewhere as they'd be constantly worried for his wellbeing and unable to relax or have a good time. If they took him with them, there would be no break. This made me think of the enormous burden on the carers, family and relatives or friends of someone living with a mental illness. Caring for someone can take the freedom and spontaneity out of life. The demands of caring can leave little time for other family members or friends. The impact often goes unnoticed or unrecognized. At some point in many people's lives, things change and they may find themselves caring for someone. No one prepares you for something like this. It's something we do as people. In many cultures it is expected. Apart from the many rewards that caring offers to the carer there are also numerous challenges. Caring can be very demanding and often restricts the lives of individual carers and their families and can impact on one's relationships, health - emotional, mental, physical, - career or job prospects, finances, travel etc. Some health problems, like back problems, anxiety and depression, can be directly linked to caring. Many people who look after someone are chronically tired and desperately need to refresh with just one night of unbroken sleep, a day off or an extended period with no caring responsibilities. How do you cope as a carer? How do you look after yourself? What supports do you have?

potatopatato I'm tired of being me, and im only 23
  • replies: 3

At least once a fortnight I fall asleep with sunken eyes, and moist cheeks, having turned the lights out at midnight and cried until 1:56 AM. This is because I’m tired of being me, and as much as I say it nobody seems to believe me, so I just stopped... View more

At least once a fortnight I fall asleep with sunken eyes, and moist cheeks, having turned the lights out at midnight and cried until 1:56 AM. This is because I’m tired of being me, and as much as I say it nobody seems to believe me, so I just stopped saying it to anyone but myself. Every morning as I brush my teeth, I’m thinking that I’m tired of being me. As I catch a glimpse of myself as I walk out the door, I whisper that I’m tired of being me. It bothers me so much that in 23 years I’ve never once felt beautiful. I still remember the neighbour’s boys telling me I looked like a witch when I was seven. I still remember, because I agree with them. I’ve never thought I was better than anyone, but I’m afraid that people mistake my fear of eye contact for arrogance. When in reality, I’m just worried they’ll notice how asymmetrical my face is, or how my nose droops when I smile, or how my teeth go up and down, or how I can’t imagine my face inspiring any emotion other than apathy in another person. I spent the first 20 years of my life not caring about my appearance, and it was okay because I accepted that I just wasn’t ever going to be an attractive person. At 19 I thought I ‘d put on the headscarf, so I’d feel more connected to God. For me it was the only thing spiritually that I hadn’t achieved, and I couldn’t possibly feel less attractive so why not. Here I am now almost 5 years since I’ve put it on, and I’ve never hated it more. Maybe I hate it because I adopted it so completely that I see it as an extension of myself, and any opportunity to shed a part of myself…I guess I would take it. The saddest part is that I’m not keeping it on anymore because I love God, even though that is why I put it on, I’m keeping it on now because I’m worried that without it I’ll still be ugly but I’ll feel foolish too. Because underneath all of this material is a person who grimaces when she looks in the mirror, and who feels like a massive failure when she tries to look nice. And I’m worried that people will think, even if they don’t say it, that I should have kept it on. If they did think that, they’d be right.