Multicultural experiences

You deserve a break

replies: 1

I think lots of us push ourselves too hard - tiring our bodies, minds, and spirit. We can get swamped by all the deadlines, work, and misfortunes... Life can be hard sometimes. You deserve a break. Last month, I was fortunate to travel to New Zealand... View more

I think lots of us push ourselves too hard - tiring our bodies, minds, and spirit. We can get swamped by all the deadlines, work, and misfortunes... Life can be hard sometimes. You deserve a break. Last month, I was fortunate to travel to New Zealand. I saved up and splashed my earnings. I had a wonderful time. I also had limited access to WI-FI, which was a blessing in itself. My focus was 100% on my friends and the fun times I was having, instead of worrying about work or university. My holiday made me realize that I'm a lot happier when I'm on break. But how can I take more breaks when I can't afford non-stop holidays? Breaks aren't limited to holidays. I'm trying to spend some time each day doing relaxing stuff by myself. I watch some youtube videos and read books. What will you be doing to give yourself more breaks??

Helping a friend to help a friend relate better with his partner who is a relative of his.

replies: 2

Hi all, A friend was telling me about a family member (she’s Macedonian) who’s living with a German guy. Even though they’re not married, they’ve been a couple for over fifteen years and have three children. The situation is that the lady is the only... View more

Hi all, A friend was telling me about a family member (she’s Macedonian) who’s living with a German guy. Even though they’re not married, they’ve been a couple for over fifteen years and have three children. The situation is that the lady is the only one on the lease and pays the rent and all the bills. She’s also the one doing all the grocery shopping and maintains the household. Her partner works full time but refuses to be on the lease or contribute financially or in any other way. It has been like this from day one. Their love life is almost non existent and the only reason that this woman apparently remains in this arrangement is because she cannot be alone and suffers severe depression and anxiety and has huge abandonment issues. Her first husband was very abusive and there was a lot of domestic violence in their marriage which ended when she met her current partner. Clearly some of the cultural conditioning for her has been around the need to be with someone. To have a husband or partner is better than not have anyone according to her. Her role as a woman is to manage her household and provide for her children and family. The fact that she’s run away from a violent relationship to an abusive one where she’s taken for granted and her partner seems to enjoy a non-committed arrangement that benefits him financially with minimal input or emotional investment is been overlooked. For him, the fact that they’re not married makes him feel he still has the right to live like a bachelor who shares a roof for free in her home. He also has a gambling problem and often uses her money for that purpose. My friend told me that she’s often very upset and in desperation not sure what to do. She is petrified to remain alone with her children (who love and adore her partner) but also feels used and unappreciated and suffers from sleeplessness, weight issues due to emotional eating, very low self-esteem and feeling trapped. My friend doesn’t know what to do to help her. He was talking to me about it asking me what would I do if I was in his position. My friend also is friends with this guy and she always tells him to not say anything to him as she’s scared to rock the boat and doesn’t want trouble or to be abandoned in the event he decides to leave. How would you advice this friend? What could I do to help him help this lady but also maintain his friendship with his friend?

Who or what is your benchmark?

replies: 0

Today has been one of those days that the weather can deceive you greatly. Opened my blinds upon waking up and saw the cloudy sky with dark clouds above. When I opened my windows the wind swept through the house and even though it isn’t cold, the tem... View more

Today has been one of those days that the weather can deceive you greatly. Opened my blinds upon waking up and saw the cloudy sky with dark clouds above. When I opened my windows the wind swept through the house and even though it isn’t cold, the temperature has surely dropped a lot since the high 30s we had yesterday. After my morning coffee, I decided to take my pup for his long overdue walk! (It's past midday and we usually go for a walk early each morning). Gotta love the Sunday sleep ins. Undecisive of what to wear as the sudden drop in temperature always throws me out of orbit, I put on a track suit and grabbed a jacket as you can never be prepared in this city with the unpredicability of weather and especially in autumn. Upon walking to the park I started observing what others were wearing to find out if my judgement was right. (You know how we continually compare ourselves with those around us in order to feel normal?). Anyway, some were in summer attire while others were wearing long sleeves or light jackets. As I said, it’s very hard to align yourself with the elements when you live in this city. Upon arriving at the park the sun started appearing shyly but steadily behind the heavy clouds as the wind pushed the darkness away towards the north. Simultaneously I felt the level of humidity rising. I became progressively hotter and hotter and started taking layers off. I was yet once more unprepared for this weather. I wasn’t ready. I miscalculated and misjudged the situation. I based my decision on whatever I thought was happening instead of checking the weather report and getting the facts prior to making my decision. So, how often does this happen to us in so many other areas of our life? Relationships, children, work, health, mental health etc. How often we are influenced by external factors? Culture, religion, family, friends, peers etc becoming our benchmark. We compare and judge our appearance, performance, issues etc with everyone else’s to find out if we are ok, to define ourselves, to evaluate our situation. And we often get it wrong. We fail. We get deceived. We overthink and criticize and lose our calm. The world steals our peace because we look for our measurement at something ‘out there’ instead of something inside us. How can we learn to listen to our intuition, our mind and our heart? How can we stop comparing and judging ourselves according to what others tell us and tap into who we truly are? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

How to decipher between culturally acceptable behavior and problematic behavior?

replies: 4

Hello all, I have an Indian family living directly downstairs from my apartment. We are friendly with each other and in the odd ocassion we might borrow some sugar or a lemon etc. A couple of times we have had a cup of tea and/or visits. The family, ... View more

Hello all, I have an Indian family living directly downstairs from my apartment. We are friendly with each other and in the odd ocassion we might borrow some sugar or a lemon etc. A couple of times we have had a cup of tea and/or visits. The family, young couple with a baby, have their elderly parents live with them. It’s a very small two bedroom place. The sounds of the baby crying mixed with music from Bollywood movies (the tv is always very loud), and laughter often mingles with conversations and the delicious curry smell that permeates the building. Not sure if this is the elderly couple’s home and the young family has moved in or vice versa. There is also a younger brother (not sure if he’s the young mother’s brother or the father’s) that either lives there or visits and stays often. I have met him a few times and his manner varies dramatically from friendly to indifferent to overpowering and challenging. I’m not sure if it’s the lack of English or lacking in social skills but there’s definitely something odd in his demeanor. Here and there you can hear shouting and what sounds like arguments in another tongue. Again, not clear from whom. The other day I was returning a washed plate, from a delicious meal they had prepared and offered me a taste to thank me for bringing them a plate of moussaka that I had cooked, and the younger son happened to open the door. He seemed aggressive and his behavior/mannerisms and language were a bit intimidating. I certainly was taken aback! The look in his eyes scared me and he was saying something in a language I couldn’t understand. The others in the household seemed to carry on as normal and ignored him but I just couldn’t stop thinking about it afterwards. I was pondering if I should say anything. Ask them. Or if this may not be appropriate and I come across as intruding. They seem nice people, hospitable and caring. Overall it’s great having them as neighbors. Always smiling and gesturing in a friendly manner. Their flat door is always wide open and as you walk up or down the stairs you cannot not sense their presence in the building. I’m just not sure anymore after this incident how to approach them. Should I continue as usual, as if I’m not bothered or worried, as if this incident didn’t affect me? I’m not clear if they need support either. Or if the young man has mental health issues that are undiagnosed or not managed properly. Any ideas? Is this culturally acceptable or is intervention required?

When families put religion and traditions over their children.

replies: 7

When my partner died five years ago at the age of 39 it was an unfathomable experience and one no one prepares you for. Death is unfathomable no matter what culture you are from and whatever belief system you hold. It’s one thing to have ideas about ... View more

When my partner died five years ago at the age of 39 it was an unfathomable experience and one no one prepares you for. Death is unfathomable no matter what culture you are from and whatever belief system you hold. It’s one thing to have ideas about death and it’s a totally another to have to face it, especially in the eyes of your soul mate and life partner. Things can be tougher when you are gay and your relationship is frowned upon by your family and relatives. And when you are in a cross cultural relationship. And when your partner dies of AIDS. And when you are forced to face your own mortality as a hiv+ person together with the death of your loved one. I met his mum and twin sister and his older brother and the numerous relatives of his at the funeral. For two decades he hadn’t spoken to any of them due to their religiosity and the stigma attached to being gay with certain religious circles. He was also from rural area so there was additional pressures and challenges. Was kicked out at 15. Caught in the act with another dude. He never returned. He hated them all. He hated their religion and their god. But above all he hated their small minds. After a week in intensive care and when the prognosis was very bleak, I was wondering when to contact his family. I was the next of kin. His partner of almost a decade. After his death I contacted his mother and sister for the very first time, introduced my self and told them the news. They asked me to do the eulogy at his funeral as no one they said, knew him better than me. They were deeply devastated for his premature death but relieved that he had found love, a family and a home for all these years. Wish he was here to see how they’ve embraced me and treat me now. Better than my own family whom I have almost nothing to do with. Yet, this young man died without family supporting him, excommunicated and abandoned by his parents and relatives for being born gay. Simply because their god didn’t accept him. He died with the pain of the stigma engraved deeply within his heart. He had internalized their homophobia and had turned it into self hatred and destructive addictive behaviors which eventually claimed his life. Often, families do not realize the destruction they do to their children or they’re too indifferent to care as religion and culture and traditions become more important than the lives of their loved ones. My family is no different. I’m sure you know others in the same predicament.

No reason needed to be depressed.

replies: 13

I’m sitting on a bench in the park and suddenly a big branch fell from a tree nearby. I looked to see if there was a possum or something but couldn’t find anything that could have caused this branch to break. It just happened. Everyone might experien... View more

I’m sitting on a bench in the park and suddenly a big branch fell from a tree nearby. I looked to see if there was a possum or something but couldn’t find anything that could have caused this branch to break. It just happened. Everyone might experience feelings of sadness, unhappiness, worthlessness, hopelessness and helplessness or sadness, at some time in their life which may be due to a specific event. However, when a depressed mood persists for more than several weeks and interferes with an individual’s ability to enjoy life and/or function properly professional help is recommended as it might be a sign of serious depression. Depression can alter a person’s thinking, behaviour and function. Just like the branch falling off the tree without any particular cause, depression doesn’t need trauma or horrible circumstances, loss or grief in order to manifest itself. Just like a headache can come up anytime with no particular reason and without meaning that you are responsible or did something wrong. However it is important to remember that depression is a treatable illness. The person with depression and their family must not feel responsible or see it as a sign of weakness, stigma and/or shame. Talk about depression and seek help and support. It is an illness that affects many people from all backgrounds, genders, age groups etc. The symptoms can vary in duration and intensity and in severe cases can prove quite disabling with potentially serious consequences unless professional help is sought. Some of the symptoms that can be experienced in varying degrees are sadness, anxiety, panic, anger, withdrawal from family and friends, guilt, shame, feelings of inadequacy, inability to perform simple every day tasks, inability to undertake family, work or social responsibilities. One of the most common form of low mood linked to social stressors and characterised by many physical health problems is a combination of depression and anxiety. If you have noticed that you or someone in your family seems pre occupied/worried/concerned or there’s a change in behaviour and/or outlook, it might be a good idea to visit the family doctor to discuss what the feelings and offer to make the appointment for them (if it’s for a loved one), if they seem despondent. Offer to go with them to the appointment as this support might prove very valuable. Maintain contact with the person so they feel supported and know there is someone they can talk to outside a medical professional.

Burnout, migration and mid-life crisis

replies: 7

Hi all Thanks for reading this post. Aged 34, I arrived in Australia as a Asian migrant circa 8 months ago and now work in a very good professional firm in Sydney earning more than decent wages. My wife works in early childcare and we manage a decent... View more

Hi all Thanks for reading this post. Aged 34, I arrived in Australia as a Asian migrant circa 8 months ago and now work in a very good professional firm in Sydney earning more than decent wages. My wife works in early childcare and we manage a decent lifestyle. Certainly nothing lavish, but we are never once in lack anything that's essential and never behind on bills. While all's good on the outside, i struggle everyday with depression and anxiety - 90% of it attributable to challenges with my job. Prior to migration I had spent the middle part of my career on 70-80 hour weeks; the intensity I experienced in that period had totally worn me out. However, the will to migrate was so intense that somehow I survived another 2 years (changing a job in between) before finally migrating. I was fortunate to get a job before I had even landed, owing to some really niche skills in an obscure knowledge area. The first few months here were intense, and I was put on the firing line from Day 1. At that time I was already running on an empty tank but paying the bills and getting settled obviously took precedence. Then comes the problem. While my skills have proved irreplaceable, the business is fast drying up. The firm is trying to get me to pick up new skill sets, to which I tried picking up a few simple jobs outside my area of expertise. However, the learning curve was extremely steep. No surprise since I was tasked to fly even before I could learn how to walk. This wasn't what I was trained for, and the odds of succeeding was of a magnitude I see as hopelessly against me (given my current state of chronic burnout, I was in no condition to invest 70-80 hours a week to make this succeed). It was like asking a baker to double up as a sous chef and given no time to acquire the skills. I have come to a point when chronic burnout, severe job anxiety, and constant bouts of extreme stress had left me wrecked and in a terrible mental state. I am somehow still holding it altogether, but my mind can best be described as yearning to get away from it all. Going to work everyday is a huge challenge and every job assigned to me puts me on tenterhooks. I desparately want to quit this job, but am too afraid of not being able to find another one (especially for Asian migrants). Rent will certainly be a long term problem; my wife's wages cover it, but there won't be much of it left. Appreciate if anyone can share their experiences and what they've done to get out of this rut.

Elderly woman in fear of being locked up in an aged care facility against her will just because she is not useful anymore.

replies: 12

I have a is a 70-year old neighbor who is a widow. She has two children. She has to go into hospital for surgery. She usually looks after her daughter's children as this is the custom and expectation in her ethnic background but she won’t be able to ... View more

I have a is a 70-year old neighbor who is a widow. She has two children. She has to go into hospital for surgery. She usually looks after her daughter's children as this is the custom and expectation in her ethnic background but she won’t be able to for a few months at least. Last time I saw her she was nervous about speaking to her daughter and her son-in-law about her need for care while she recovers and the fact she won’t be able to look after the grandchildren. After managing to talk to her children, she became really upset because they said that it was best if they sold her house and she moved into a residential aged care facility as they are not able to look after her. This has created so much stress and anxiety in her that she's unable to relax, can't sleep, stopped eating and has lost weight, and she feels helpless. All families are faced with making major decisions as its members reach older age and their needs and circumstances begin to change. These decisions can be difficult and emotionally complex for the entire family. Due to many factors, older people can become sidelined in the very decisions that affect them the most. Is it ok to not include an older person in major decisions about their future? What about if major decisions being made that are not in the interest of the older person? Or when family is forcing or coercing an older person into residential aged care against their will? Is it ok if the family is making threats of residential care in response to the older person expressing their needs or concerns? Is it neglect if the family is failing to provide care where it could be reasonably expected? The sale of an older persons’ assets or possessions against their will? How would you respond to this situation? How could you help this lady understand that there are choices and alternatives? Although I understand that being in such predicament can be daunting, I want to ensure her that there is help available for her and help her to understand her rights and make the best decision for herself. How would you empower older people to consider their rights and needs and actively participate in major decisions about their future? What are traditional ways families of your background would have managed this situation? What would you advise this person and her family to do? Where could she and her family get support in finding more information and making these decisions?

English migrants are still migrants!

replies: 5

On Saturday night I was invited at a friend's birthday party. It was a lovely little gathering and I got to meet a couple of new people. At some point I was sitting next to a couple and started a conversation. The lady told me they are from England. ... View more

On Saturday night I was invited at a friend's birthday party. It was a lovely little gathering and I got to meet a couple of new people. At some point I was sitting next to a couple and started a conversation. The lady told me they are from England. Her partner's mother is an Australian who had migrated to UK long ago and so he was born and raised there but has dual citizenship. After a health scare a couple of years ago they visited Australia for some specialist treatments and were taken aback by the vastness, the low pace and relaxed lifestyle that is so different to the frantic and manic life in London so they decided to relocate here permanently two months ago. The conversation lead us around what is an Australian and who is an Australian anyway, as everyone in the room were from different countries. The English lady told me that unless you are Aboriginal really, you're not a true Australian with the strict sense of the word. I found that very interesting. I told her that it all comes down to self-identity and I believe that everyone who identifies as an Australian is one, that includes the muslims with the burqas, the Greeks, the Aboriginals, the Jews, the Africans, the English immigrants etc. It was fascinating for me to hear how homesick this couple were, how many things they miss from London: foods, lifestyle, family, friends, rituals etc and that even though they are English and speak the same language and share the same white-anglo heritage, they still feel they are in a foreign land down under. They are still migrants. Like me. Like the 46% of the culturally and linguistically diverse populations of our State. Admittedly, I hadn't thought of this before. The migration is still a migration, the loss, the grief, the foreign elements and the homesickness is the same despite the fact that these migrants are from the UK. and not from another country. Despite the fact that they have migrated to an English speaking country. The loneliness and isolation and differences in lifestyle and customs etc has affected the woman's mental health and she suffers from panic attacks, depression and anxiety. 'English migrants are still migrants you know', she exclaimed.

Lack of a sense of belonging

replies: 2

A feeling of not belonging can effect everyone from any background. A person from Australian indigenous heritage raised in Redfern Sydney can feel this bewilderment when he/she feel detachment from their "mob" in outback Oz. A child from European mig... View more

A feeling of not belonging can effect everyone from any background. A person from Australian indigenous heritage raised in Redfern Sydney can feel this bewilderment when he/she feel detachment from their "mob" in outback Oz. A child from European migrants likely feel different than their parents about the home country. They are Italian but their lives have been Australian. They can feel "in betweens". Until recently my 61 years has been lacking depth of family information. My family came from Tasmania, a dairy farm and we were forced to move to the mainland for hospital care for my brother. I was a toddler then. On my mothers side the farming life, prior to that we knew that my grandfather started his working life with a bullock team. That's it!! At 15yo I questioned my pop about the family tree. He said "I don't want to talk about it". That caused speculation as to there being aboriginal blood in the family as them days it wasn't mentioned. My cousin did a family tree. It turned out there was likely zero aboriginal blood in the veins and one ancestor arrived in Tassy around 1832. On the other side of my family only 2 years ago we found out that the migrants arrived here in 1884 from Scotland. This delay was because there was a family rift in 1958 and only two years ago a cousin messaged me on Facebook, a lady I'd never met that happened to be a genealogist. My point being that there was a massive hole in knowledge of our families past. We felt nobodies. That gulf was not unlike my Italian, Greek school friends in the 1960's or that Redfern resident. I'd suggest that the mentally unwell is more sensitive to any part of their lives that is not normal, missing facts or lack of depth. For us to be well, well enough to survive ok, we need closure and to get that we need to fill in the voids of our lives and that includes - where we came from and who our ancestors are. If those voids are not filled then try various hereditary sites on the www. Such information might result in you feeling grand about yourself. An example. I didn't know that my father and six siblings were so poor they attended church in bare feet in 1930. Worshippers looked down on them in disgust. The children went home never to return to the church again and resulted in my fathers anger at churches for the rest of his life. It filled in a gap for me. Also my great granddad went to Tassy to stop growing. At 13yo he was 6'2". Them days cold weather meant you would stop growing. lol Tony WK

Pinned discussions

Hi! Read this if you are not sure what this section is all about

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All discussions

You deserve a break

replies: 1

Helping a friend to help a friend relate better with his partner who is a relative of his.

replies: 2

Who or what is your benchmark?

replies: 0

How to decipher between culturally acceptable behavior and problematic behavior?

replies: 4

When families put religion and traditions over their children.

replies: 7

No reason needed to be depressed.

replies: 13

Burnout, migration and mid-life crisis

replies: 7

Elderly woman in fear of being locked up in an aged care facility against her will just because she is not useful anymore.

replies: 12

English migrants are still migrants!

replies: 5

Lack of a sense of belonging

replies: 2

Multicultural experiences

Hi! Read this if you are not sure what this section is all about replies: 0

You deserve a break replies: 1

Helping a friend to help a friend relate better with his partner who is a relative of his. replies: 2

Who or what is your benchmark? replies: 0

How to decipher between culturally acceptable behavior and problematic behavior? replies: 4

When families put religion and traditions over their children. replies: 7

No reason needed to be depressed. replies: 13

Burnout, migration and mid-life crisis replies: 7

Elderly woman in fear of being locked up in an aged care facility against her will just because she is not useful anymore. replies: 12

English migrants are still migrants! replies: 5

Lack of a sense of belonging replies: 2

Hi! Read this if you are not sure what this section is all about

replies: 0

You deserve a break

replies: 1

Helping a friend to help a friend relate better with his partner who is a relative of his.

replies: 2

Who or what is your benchmark?

replies: 0

How to decipher between culturally acceptable behavior and problematic behavior?

replies: 4

When families put religion and traditions over their children.

replies: 7

No reason needed to be depressed.

replies: 13

Burnout, migration and mid-life crisis

replies: 7

Elderly woman in fear of being locked up in an aged care facility against her will just because she is not useful anymore.

replies: 12

English migrants are still migrants!

replies: 5

Lack of a sense of belonging

replies: 2