Advice on raising bilingual children

[Quercus]

Hello everyone,

Our household is bilingual. Hubby has only ever spoken Polish at home to our kids. They (Miss 3 and Mr 4) speak and understand both languages (Polish and English).

But my dilemmas...

1. They start Polish school soon and I have to take them. And my Polish is almost non existent so I'm starting to feel very anxious about it.

2. Mr 4 has worked out he can manipulate me because he knows I don't always understand. I'm feeling pretty stupid to be honest. Languages are not a talent of mine and believe me I have been trying.

Has anyone else managed raising kids with multiple languages? How did you cope? What helps? Any advice would be welcome.

Nat

[Hayfa]

Hello Donte' and everyone else

This is a really interesting topic, I have had a different experience from you Donte'. When my siblings and I were growing up, my father was very strict on us speaking Lebanese at home and English outside of the home because he wanted us not to lose the language, and this was a good call, sadly I didn't enforce that to my children because I always speak in English at home to them despite both myself and their father speaking fluent, heavy Lebanese.
It really does depend on what you do at home to condition them.

Absolutely agree that there should be respect, a language that everyone understands should be spoken, it is easier to try to make this happen in your own home with your kids but I think it is a bit of a different story when you are somewhere else such as with the in-laws who speak their language in your presence. Whilst it would be nice to have them speak English in your presence, I don't necessarily think it should be counted as disrespectful and rude if they don't. I have two siblings whose partners are not Lebanese speaking and it was clearly explained with respect that there may be times where they cannot always articulate in English and need to speak in their mother tongues. I know this can be viewed as disrespectful but so is talking in English in front of the in-laws and others who may have less strong English and limited understanding of what you are saying.
We need to strike a respectful and fair balance that includes everyone and that sometimes may mean learning something new rather than make others adapt to what we want them to do. For example, the generation of our multicultural parents and in-laws were already pressured upon arrival to Australia to learn the language and ways, they did it to live here and I guess it seems only fair to learn their language and ways if one wants to live in it too.

Hayfa

[Donte]

Hello again Quercus,

Reading your post has made me think of the arrogance and exclusivity some ethnic groups display. I see it all the time within many communities. On one hand everyone enjoys living in Australia, where they can exercise their freedoms, speak the language they wish, believe whatever they want, teach their children their traditions, customs, and beliefs and worship their gods etc, and demand that english speakers accept them as equal.

I'm all for cultural diversity, however, usually it seems that it doesn't work the other way around. For example, if you are an English speaker you have to learn the other language and make all the changes to be accepted in the other culture, (if that's ever possible).

It's interesting that the foreigners, migrants, refugees that go to live in Greece, for example, learn the Greek language and communicate fluently within a few months upon arrival (cause they have no other choice), but in Australia there are Greek migrants living here for 60+ years and still don't speak a word of English. It happens in all the languages and ethnic minority groups and I find it fascinating. To me it's like I want the cake and eat it too.

[Quercus]

Hello Pepper and Hayfa and Donte',

Thank you all. Such interesting points.

Pepper yes I agree I need a better system to learn. Hubby did say I should do a class at tafe but it has never eventuated because of his roster and me looking after our kids. I think maybe an online course will help.

And Hayfa and Donte', I like your differing views about how families adapt (or don't) when they migrate to Australia. I think I sit somewhere in the middle. I feel both languages and cultures are important otherwise you are excluded from a community. Feeling included and like I belong is important to me.

I think the part I struggle with the most in terms of disrespect is that before kids it was different. At his parent's house they spoke Polish (as Hayfa said his parents found it easier to express themselves) but would include me or occasionally translate or hubby would throw in an English word here or there so I could get the gist of what was happening. Now none of that happens.

The worst feeling is when my kids do something I need to tell them off for. Or I need to ask them to do. And then I get told that that's what everyone was just telling the kids in Polish. So I feel somewhat belittled in front of my kids. I've started asking my husband to translate so that I don't repeat others but it makes me feel uncomfortable.

I think the only solution is to learn to understand even if I can't speak. I do feel better within myself when I understand.

And then the only other solution I can see is to keep on leading by example. When hubby and the kids speak Polish in front of others (usually my family or our friends) I translate. Or ask hubby to. I remind him and our kids that it helps people feel included. Maybe if I keep doing that long enough hubby will get the point.

Thank goodness hubby has Sat off so he is coming to the school orientation. He can talk and I'll just go hunt down the cafe. Can't possibly be required to talk if I'm busy eating pierogi (mmmmmmm).

[Donte]

Hahaa Quercus!

You enjoy your coffee and pierogi and maybe this will give you an opportunity to have a chat about your feelings with your husband and perhaps your kids also. It will be good for them to know how you feel about this and be part of the solution as a family so you won’t have to strugggle alone.

Hope it all goes well on Saturday and beyond. Sometimes struggles can turn into opportunities for engagement and positive communication.

Good luck 🙂

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Nat and all,

Nat: I like the sound of you exploring different ways to learn Polish like online classes. Perhaps that will make learning the language a lot easier.

All the best for Saturday too. I hope you enjoy your pierogi 🙂

Donte’: thanks for your earlier post to me 🙂

I agree with your point that often communication is the underlying issue; multiple languages in a family is enriching but it can also be challenging at times too. I suppose it comes down to figuring out what is the best way to optimise communication at any given point in time, and I suppose that would be different for each family and/or situation.

As I said earlier, I grew up speaking 2 languages at home. I suppose it wasn’t a huge issue for my parents (because they actually both speak 3 languages) so they both understood either language that I spoke at home. It was actually me who didn’t really understand our 3rd language but that was my own fault as I never bothered learning it, and it was spoken a lot less than the other 2 languages. I can understand bits and pieces of it though.

Caring thoughts to all,

Pepper

[Hayfa]

Hello Quercus,

I really love how you are so understanding and tolerant of the situation, reflecting on much of what you have said I can see that you are very fair and you walk in other people's shoes as well.
I just want to let you know that there is no way that your husband's family could not see this beautiful nature of yours, I am sure they do and they appreciate it and I think your husband does too.
Keep doing what you are doing because it is characteristics like yours that will draw your family to you and include you in everything, you don't have to speak fluent Polish to be a part of it all and just being there, understanding what you can and doing what your comfortable with is sometimes enough to keep those vibrant and warm connections.

Enjoy your day tomorrow

[Quercus]

Hello everyone,

Aww Hayfa now I'm blushing. Thank you.

We had a good chat today and I told hubby how I am nervous about tomorrow and why. He does understand and says it is more about wanting to maintain an environment where the kids can be immersed in the language and learn than about being unwelcoming. He told me that from his experience of school is that the nature of living in Australia is that our kids will not want to speak Polish because it makes them different and requires effort. So to many they want to make the kids see that speaking Polish may not be typical at their usual school but for some of the community it IS typical and normal.

I don't know if I explained that well but it made sense to me. It probably helps that I'm having a good day today where I've understood more than usual. Maybe I'm learning too 😁.

Hi Pepper, 3 languages must have been hard work! But think of the connections within your brain! They say if you learn multiple languages as a child learning another is easier. A lady at my old work had 8 languages, she was amazing! I loved watching her switch from English then to French then Mandarin then Indonesian. It wasn't hard for her in the slightest. Because she started life with 4 languages and then added to the collection.

❤ Nat

[Donte]

Hi Peppermintbach,

Thank you for your valuable input in this very important topic of language, communication, family, tradition and change and navigating cross-cultural relationships. Each case is different. My experience as a person who is multilingual (3 languages too), and having raised my daughter to be monolingual (English only), is that there weren't any conflict among us while growing up. We spoke English to her and between ourselves (her mum and I), and here and there we would slip into Greek without realizing it. My daughter always would ask, during these times, what are we saying and what do these words mean and we were reminded and instantly switch back to English and also translate so she felt included.

As it takes enormous effort for one to teach and pass on another language to their children, it also takes enormous effort for one to teach and maintain English in the home if parents are from culturally and linguistically diverse backgrounds. No right or wrong. Just individual choices. I believe there are always benefits and disadvantages no matter what people choose to do. So, one has to weigh the plus and minus and decide what's best fro their situation. this principal is applicable to most things in life. 🙂

[Donte]

Hi CMF,

Thank you for your contribution to this thread. I enjoy all the different perspectives in here. Very valuable discussion and relevant to so many, considering 46% of our population is born overseas and/or have at least one parent born overseas and from these 76.8% born in non-English speaking countries. Victorians come from more than 200 countries and practice more than 135 religions! So, this discussion is very timely and appropriate in our 'multicultural experiences' section of our online forums.

The issue of respect, raised here on a few occasions, consideration for others, and mindfulness about how we may impact others is very important. Inclusion is something we all strive for. If we feel excluded in any way we should raise this with the relevant people and keep doing that every time it happens until it sinks in and change starts to happen. Often others are either not aware of how it feels or just don't care about the impact they are having on others. Communication and honestly are pivotal in any cross-cultural setting like it is in any interaction within the same language.

[Donte]

Hi Quercus,

I'm glad you had the opportunity to chat with your husband about what troubles you. It's lovely to maintain communication, openness and emotional honesty. It also shows clearly to him that you include him in this. Beautiful example of a partnership, necessary in relationships in order to thrive and cultivate trust and care.

It's great that you had a good day and that you feel better about all this. Keep the communication flowing and you will be able to deal with any hurdle that comes along your way. 🙂