Advice on raising bilingual children

[Quercus]

Hello everyone,

Our household is bilingual. Hubby has only ever spoken Polish at home to our kids. They (Miss 3 and Mr 4) speak and understand both languages (Polish and English).

But my dilemmas...

1. They start Polish school soon and I have to take them. And my Polish is almost non existent so I'm starting to feel very anxious about it.

2. Mr 4 has worked out he can manipulate me because he knows I don't always understand. I'm feeling pretty stupid to be honest. Languages are not a talent of mine and believe me I have been trying.

Has anyone else managed raising kids with multiple languages? How did you cope? What helps? Any advice would be welcome.

Nat

[Donte]

Hello Quercus,

As Einstein said, 'If you judge a dissh by its ability to climb a tree, it will be a failure'. Not everyone has a gift in learning languages. Not everyone has to. This doesn't make people who can't or won't learn stupid. We are our worst judges. Do you think perhaps this issue is more about self-confidence rather than language skills? Even if you did manage to learn the language, would you be like me perhaps, and like so many others, criticising yourself for not having the right accent or speaking too slowly or not dreaming in Polish? I'm just thinking aloud here. This is a very interesting topic that perhaps is more than just alphabet and words.

[Donte]

* A fish (not a dissh)

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Quercus and all,

Quercus: I’m glad you and your husband were able to clear the air a little about how language is used in your family. That’s wonderful to hear. I’m glad you had that conversation 🙂

8 languages? Very, very impressive. That’s a real skill(s) and gift(s) that she possesses. How incredible it must be to listen to her speak.

Thanks 🙂 I’m bilingual and only understand a little of our third language. I’m slightly annoyed with myself for being extremely lazy with learning our third language. Although on the plus side, if I felt motivated enough, which is part of my problem, it shouldn’t be too difficult to pick up 🙂 The lack of motivation is my main issue...

It would be nice to learn more languages as well. I would love to learn Spanish as well (that’s not my third language but I would like to learn it purely for my personal interest). But my motivation is questionable at times. Sighs.

Donte’:

You said:

As it takes enormous effort for one to teach and pass on another language to their children, it also takes enormous effort for one to teach and maintain English in the home if parents are from culturally and linguistically diverse backgrounds. No right or wrong. Just individual choices. I believe there are always benefits and disadvantages no matter what people choose to do. So, one has to weigh the plus and minus and decide what's best fro their situation. this principal is applicable to most things in life

Very eloquently worded, and it pretty much sums up all the different points raised on this thread.

I’m glad there were no major language related communication issues between you and your daughter. As you said, each family has to work or what suits them in terms of language, and it will vary from family to family. For example, you raising your daughter to be monolingual worked out for you (and your daughter) as did my upbringing with multiple languages works for me too 🙂

Kind thoughts to all,

Pepper

[Quercus]

Hi Pepper and Donte',

Thanks for your replies. I agree with you Pepper this was powerful for me to read too...

No right or wrong. Just individual choices. I believe there are always benefits and disadvantages no matter what people choose to do. So, one has to weigh the plus and minus and decide what's best fro their situation.

Well my kids are enrolled and tomorrow school begins properly. Hubby and I are parent volunteers tomorrow too.

To be honest though it is why I'm still awake at 1 am on the forums to keep my mind occupied. I am nervous. Last week was ok. The kids loved it. I like the kindy teacher. But I didn't feel welcome.

A couple of the teachers weren't too happy when they said Dzien Dobry and I replied good morning. Hubby asked about non Polish helpers and straight away I got told I can help in the canteen. Yay dish washing and cash handling every Saturday? Yeah not my idea of being involved with my children's schooling. Sigh.

It is totally different from hearing hubby and his family speak to eachother. A crowd of people all speaking at once. I can't follow any of it. And most of all I feel stupid and awkward and like I really shouldn't be there.

Maybe tomorrow will feel easier in a small class. I hope so.

[Quercus]

Hi again everyone,

Arrgh. Ok losing the plot here of late. Managing multiple languages just feels like another drama and pressure piled on.

The kindy teacher told me about how the parent at home is the most important influence on whether kids will learn multiple languages. My enthusiasm is apparently crucial. This makes sense to me as now my son has started kindy he's reluctant to use Polish because English comes easier for him.

And yet since Polish school on Sat the kids have been treating me with even less respect than usual. My son especially. He just ignores me and waits for my husband to tell him in Polish. Even in front of my inlaws he just ignores me and waits for his grandfather to say something. And now my daughter is copying him.

It began at the class when hubby told him it was Polish only. He kept telling me off for speaking English. And has gotten worse. The only thing is everything has gone to chaos here at the moment so I'm not sure if he sees me as stupid now or if he's just being awful.

Anyone else experienced this?

Nat

[CMF]

Oh Nat,

how awful for you. I too would feel the same as you, I wouldn't like it. It's amazing how children can pick up at such a young age how to manipulate parents. Once Again, i think hubby should be stepping in here and making it clear ir is not acceptable behaviour to be ignoring you because you speak in English.. Perhaps a time out is required when he ignores you?

cmf x

[Quercus]

Hello again CMF,

Oh don't worry he is aware and the kids are getting very used to "what did Mum ask you to do" in Polish. But it is making no difference. I tried bringing back time out today and got an hour straight screaming tantrum for my efforts. Then he went right back to using his mattress as a slide.

After today I'm wondering if it is a language thing at all. Maybe it is as I suspect a terrible parenting thing.

I have always been a pushover. Hubby and his family are very strict so I always cut the kids some slack to let them be little kids somewhere. And it sounds horrible but Polish can be a bit of a harsh sounding language so even if I'm screeching like a banshee the kids just look amused. Hubby said it is the tone I use. I can't even get the dog to sit. He on the other hand when he is angry he sounds ANGRY. And our kids listen.

I'm waffling sorry. Not really sure what is going on in the chaos of my brain.

[Donte]

Hello Quercus,

I feel sad reading your experience.

You must feel so helpless in the midst of this. How about your needs as a mother and a wife? How about the need for respect?

If I was in this situation I would speak to my husband immediately and come up with a mutual agreement and discipline plan for the kids. No one should be ridiculed and feel that they're inferior just because of a language difference. You are still the mother no matter what language you speak and your son, your husband and your in laws should respect this and treat you accordingly.

Honestly, I admire you putting up with so much pressure. I think I wouldn't even turn up at the school again if it was me. I would join some other hobby and keep busy on Saturday mornings and let the rest of the family carry on with the indoctrination. But that's me. 🙂

[CMF]

I agree with Donte. Kids need to be allowed to be kids.

[Donte]

Hello Hayfa,

Of course each situation is different. I guess as I arrived at the age of 18 to Australia and having finished high school in Greece, for my family it was more important to learn English asap for my sake (as I had to enter tertiary studies), and theirs (as they were employed by Australian church charities and English was pivotal for their careers). So maintaining the Greek wasn't a priority for us.

It is different if you are a child of a migrant family born in Australia and especially if that family plans to return back to their 'homeland' one day. This is the case with many migrants of the 50s and 60s who only migrated temporarily to make some money and return to their country of origin when the crisis is over. In that sense it makes sense to want your kids to understand and speak the mother tongue of the parents as they'll need to integrate back to their country of origin once they decide to return to their homeland.

On the topic of English, I find it intriguing that the million migrants living currently in Greece learn to speak fluent Greek within a few months of their arrival (as there's no way they'll find work or survive otherwise), whereas thousands of Greeks in Australia still don't speak English after 50 or 60 years of being here!

Personally, I believe that once you migrate to a country, it is to your interests and an asset for you to embrace the culture and live like the people in that country (my mum always said: "When in Rome, do as the Romans do"), and that means you learn the language of the country as quickly as practicable, and speak it whenever others are around who may not understand your native tongue. It is simply respect. And it's easier I guess for the 200 ethnicities living in our State to learn one language - English, than everyone else to learn 200 languages! I usually find it rude when I walk somewhere and people speak another language and totally ignore me. If my in laws spoke another language in front of me I would simply stop visiting. (Now, if I was in their homeland, that would be a different story).