Advice on raising bilingual children

[Quercus]

Hello everyone,

Our household is bilingual. Hubby has only ever spoken Polish at home to our kids. They (Miss 3 and Mr 4) speak and understand both languages (Polish and English).

But my dilemmas...

1. They start Polish school soon and I have to take them. And my Polish is almost non existent so I'm starting to feel very anxious about it.

2. Mr 4 has worked out he can manipulate me because he knows I don't always understand. I'm feeling pretty stupid to be honest. Languages are not a talent of mine and believe me I have been trying.

Has anyone else managed raising kids with multiple languages? How did you cope? What helps? Any advice would be welcome.

Nat

[Peppermintbach]

Hey Quercus,

Um, I’m not a parent so I’m not sure if I’m really your target respondent. Sorry...

But I am bilingual and grew up in a bilingual household. Although I’m not going to say which (other) language due to my paranoia that anyone in my offline world might read these posts (you never know). My parents are trilingual and I’m bilingual. I’m first generation Australian 🙂

Has anyone else managed raising kids with multiple languages? How did you cope? What helps?

In terms of your bilingual children, it’s a tricky one. I suppose in your case, the real issue is perhaps one of respect rather than language. Yes, your son uses language as a tool to push boundaries with you but that’s just the tool, I feel the actual issue is he needs to learn to respect you more.

Granted, he’s just 4 so maybe in his mind, it’s all fun and games like “yay, I can trick mummy when I speak Polish.” So he probably lacks any real awareness of how much it upsets or hurts you when he uses language to test boundaries. In his eyes, it’s probably just a child wanting to get “my way.”

In terms of how to best respond to this, I’m not sure...it sounds extremely difficult. There’s a part of me that wants to suggest that your husband and you have a chat with your 4 year old about his behaviour and respecting you. I would also suggest that you and your husband present a very united front if you pursue this option; children are smart and can pick up on how serious parents are about something.

On another note, while I completely respect that some families want their children to only speak a parent’s native language within the family home. But due to your language barrier, I wonder how you feel about only speaking Polish at home? For example, would you prefer both languages (English and Polish) to be spoken in the family home rather than only Polish?

Sorry, I hope that doesn’t upset or offend you. I’m not saying it out of disrespect but I’m just wondering if your language needs as a parent is given equal consideration too.

For example, I grew up speaking 2 languages as a child (in the family home) so it definitely can work. Having said that though, I also understand that some parents want to only speak in their native language with their children in the family home, and I respect that too.

Caring thoughts,

Pepper xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Nat,

Sorry, I just realised that I may have misinterpreted your post. I sort of assumed your kids only speak Polish at home (because your husband only speaks to them in Polish)?

If that’s not the case, please ignore the second half of my original reply.

Sorry about that. It’s a sign that I need more sleep.

Caring thoughts,

Pepper xo

[Peppermintbach]

*Oops, sorry, I meant that I’m second generation Australia (parents born overseas but I was born in Australia). Not first gen. Oops.

Alright, I’ll stop bugging you with posts on this thread for now.

caring thoughts,

Pepper xo

[Ggrand]

Hello Nat,

My hubby was brought up in a bilingual environment, His dad spoke to home in English, his mother couldn't speak English, they were both European. When I visited the in laws only the European language was spoken, (disrespect to me). I tried to learn but couldn't, I did learn a few words but not enough to understand a conversation.

I think taking your children to Polish school will be okay as English will be spoken by both teachers and parents communication shouldn't be a problem.

I agree with Pepper as I think your children are to young to understand with what speaking in another language makes you feel like. Maybe you and your hubby can sit down with your son and explain that to speak both languages properly he needs to practice daily both languages, you husband teaches the Polish language and you teach him the English language, just a thought only. Would it be possible for your husband to give you some lessons to learn to speak Polish a few hours per week?

Im not sure if I was any help to you at all, just my thoughts,

Kindness only,

Karen

[Donte]

Hi Quercus,

How timely, now that schools open! Many parents would have the same dilemma. I come from the other side of the pendulum: I'm multilingual parent but haven't taught any other language to my child apart from English so I don't have this experience. However, as we know communication is only 15% based on words and the rest is body language, intonation, eye contact etc. So I'm sure you'll be able to understand if your children are 'playing up'.

I remember when we arrived in Melbourne my parents were adamant about us speaking only English as they wanted us to learn and integrate easily and also it was their only chance to learn as well. But often, my brother and I would revert back to Greek, until one of our parents would hear us and tell us off!

As a non-Polish speaker you can ask your children to always talk to you in English. They can speak Polish with their dad, for example.

My experience as a LOTE teacher for more than a decade has taught me that children are extremely resilient and adapt easily, as long as they know the rules, the boundaries. If they play up they must face the consequences. I raised mine with the belief that there is not a 'right' or 'wrong', it's all a perspective. But there are always consequences, no matter what your belief is.

How's your partner supporting you in this dilemma? Or the extended family?

I think it's important for children to learn that if there is a person present that doesn't understand the language they're speaking, then everyone must speak a language known to all. It's respect. Maybe you could be that person in their lives who teaches them this. 🙂

Hope this helps. Ultimately, you'll find what works for you. It's all trial and error really.

[Donte]

Hello Pepper, (and wave to Querqus),

I think the issue of respect is important to raise. Also, the communication between the two partners and the way the children are raised. In every household rules and boundaries should be taught by all parties and children must learn that 'no' means 'no' and 'yes' means 'yes' by all. If mum says 'no', for instance, we don't go to dad to ask again to see if he might say 'yes'....This is valid in any family. But of course if the language barrier is there then it is an additional hurdle to overcome, yet, the principle remains.

Both parents should have equal amount of respect (in an ideal situation) and expect the same outcomes.Is there a way where the two parents can communicate about this better? On the other hand of course, a 4 yo will be testing the waters, that's their job as they figure out what's acceptable and what's not.

It is all about communication but not necessarily about language, it seems.

[CMF]

Hi Nat and everyone,

i grew up on n a bilingual household. I spoke it mainly with my grandparents as my parents were quite fluent in English. I spoke in our dialect. I was sent to language school to improve and I hated it. Hated it so much I stopped speaking it all together, now I hardly speak it but I do understand. I never taught my kids. I think if your son is using it to manipulate you then don't respond til he speKs in English so you can understand. Let him know he can speak to daddy in polish but to you in English.

Why are you nervous about taking them Nat? Are you worried you will need to speak to teachers in polish? Do you want the kids to go or are you worried about it?when your hubby and kids do speak polish do you understand or are you feeling excluded?

i don't speak our second language but I do understand it. 'His' mum used to say things to him about me (nothing too bad) thinking I didn't understand. Shame on her, that's just rude.

cmf x

.

[Quercus]

Wow hello Pepper and GGrand and Donte' and CMF (and anyone else reading who feels like joining in),

Thank you all.

Pepper you are never bugging anyone, your replies helped a lot.

I do feel you all have a good point about respect. I don't think hubby and I have the right balance in place somehow.

When the kids were born we both made the concious decision that at home he speaks Polish and I speak English. And that with his family Polish would be spoken only so that they absorbed both languages from the start (it is easiest at a very young age).

The result was amazing. Their speech was delayed (apparently normal, two languages to sort mentally). But they speak Polish without an Aussie accent and English sounding very "ocker". They rarely mistake which language is appropriate to use at any time either.

So to me... It is purposeful and yes disrespectful of me. However it is also what they know as normal. It was my choice to encourage the languages. Some friends and family criticise me for it but to me it was a waste not to give them every opportunity. Like going through the drama of registering our marriage so they could get polish birth certificates too. It is my way of giving them the freedom to choose when they are older.

But the downside. On a daily basis I am excluded from conversation. My kids know I try and can understand some basics. But sometimes I think they see me as stupid. Because I ask my kids to translate. Or have just given up asking and figure if my input is required they will ask in English. It's a bit crap and yes I do feel down about it a lot.

But it was my choice. My gift if you will. My plan was to learn too and I am (just at a snail pace). So for now I feel like an idiot. Even my 3 year old can grasp concepts beyond me.

And the school to answer you CMF... They say non speakers are welcome but we've been to a few events and I always feel beneath others because my husband has to speak for me and I can only follow every 7th word or so. I feel torn. I want my kids to have both cultures. But I also want to be part of their experience.

The parents are supposed to help in the class (or non speakers can pay extra to not have to help). It upset me a bit that I am not welcome even though I want to help.

What upsets me is my capability (lack of really). My lack of progress is not from lack of trying. And listening and asking and repeating. I just can't physically make the vocal sounds. And to me it isn't enough to just say it in my head.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Quercus and all,

It’s great to hear from you again 🙂 Thanks for the reassuring words, and for clarifying some things so we have a better understanding of how your family communicates with each other.

What a beautiful and thoughtful gift you have given to your children. I think it’s wonderful how they can speak both English and Polish fluently. You’re clearly a very caring and loving parent.

Um, based on your latest post,I think you have basically identified your main struggles as I noticed your comments:

I do feel you all have a good point about respect. I don't think hubby and I have the right balance in place somehow.

On a daily basis I am excluded from conversation. My kids know I try and can understand some basics. But sometimes I think they see me as stupid. Because I ask my kids to translate.

What upsets me is my capability (lack of really). My lack of progress is not from lack of trying. And listening and asking and repeating. I just can't physically make the vocal sounds.

So I feel your first point reflects Donte’s thoughts on the need for a balance of authority between parents where your children to see you as an “equal” to your husband. Sorry, I say that with the best intentions. I hope that doesn’t upset or offend.

I think your second key point is about not feeling included and perhaps a bit of a self esteem issue too (I may be way off of course). But maybe it also goes back to the whole respect thing and wanting to be seen as a linguistically capable and equal parental figure to your husband in your children’s eyes. Just my thoughts...

Your third point seems to be one of frustration with yourself and self “blame.” But perhaps you’re being a little hard on yourself. Learning another language is generally not easy for most people especially if you’re learning as an adult.

Having said that though, it’s not impossible to pick up another language of course. I wonder if maybe part of your struggle is the technique you’re using to learn Polish. Perhaps there is another method available that would suit you more? I’m wondering how you’re learning e.g. by yourself, one-on-one with a tutor, in a classroom, etc because sometimes the method of learning can make a huge difference.

Hopefully my thoughts help a little. If not, that’s okay too.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper xo

P.S. Donte’, thanks for the thoughtful post to me. I will reply to you tomorrow 🙂