Wishing for a friend to talk to

[dragonflies]

Hi,

I feel alone. I'm 19 and I have no friends anymore. No one to confide in, trust, or share my life with. I just want someone to talk to. Someone who gets me and who I can relate to and vice versa. I find it hard trying to make friends. I dread the process of getting to know someone completely for who they are. It takes so much time and effort. I have only ever been hurt in the past after making such close friends and having them just drift away from you without a care in the world.

Does anyone feel like this too?

dragonflies

[LuLu_]

Hi SN

my psychologist and I get on really well. We both ride horses. She’s really nice and supportive. I think the problem is me. She described me (in the nicest way possible) like a knot that she is trying to slowly untangle. Perhaps it’s because i am really unsure of my own mind and my abilities.

It’s so hard to reach out when i am in a dark mindset. It’s like i am not me. Like i am the host for a parasite. But also that I need the parasite to a certain extent to survive. Some aspects of my depression are welcoming and satisfying. I don’t mean to offend. I understand if you feel differently, perhaps that you dislike the things that are making you suffer. I just find comfort and satisfaction in feeling invisible and sad. I think it’s because I believe I deserve it or something. I don’t know. My mind doesn’t make sense to me.

Maybe i am scared of what i will uncover and how much it will hurt me.

When i am in my worst state the thought that sits with me is that t hurts to live. There is so much pain. Pain is everywhere and sometimes I think that a world full of so much pain isn’t suppose to be experienced.

sorry for being dreary. Are there things that you hold onto during hard times? Any thoughts? Stories?

What are some things that can never be taken from you no matter how dark life gets?

Lulu

[startingnew]

unfortunatly recovery is a slow progress however there is progress. i havent been in this sort of state for around 4 months when it use to be an everyday occurance so there is hope.

im really glad you get along well with her, but it is ok to say can we discuss this or that today because its what i struggle with the most. they are there to listen to you remember, notbe friends.

thats ok that you feel that way, youll work all that out as you go along. im still working it out 12 months into it, heck i know of members who ave been doing this for alot longer and are still working it out but- there is a but the hopes there are that whilst they are still finding themselves they are learning so many other things too.

psychological pain can be totally unbearable, but sometimes you have to break that cycle and get outside into the sun. sit there or go for a walk. but its also ok to be in that state as long as your SAFE which includes sh thoughts. thats the biggie. any of those thoughts reach out for help ok. there is help and love and support here

yes there is things i hold onto when things are tough. the thing that i really hold onto is the knowledge that things will pass 'this too shall pass' and also the serenity prayer- you dont have to be religious its just a famour and powerful saying.

my thoughts are that there is hope, i might sit here in the dark but there is hope which is why i asked for help. it is hard to do, and its embarrassing and all those associated feelings but try to see it as this way instead. i tell many people this and i hope that it helps you too and that it is not weak to ask for help, it is courageous becasue its one of the hardest things people do. and guess what, youve already done it so that makes you brave and courageous too. yes some things in therapy will make you upset etc however keep reaching out to helplines, and your gp and your psychologist and psychiatrist as well becasue they will help you. you just have to let them in.

some suggestions for your situation from what ive learnt so far is that you have a family that love you, a great psychologist, your beautiful bond with your horse, your friends (even though you feel out of place) and you have us here too. lots of things to grasp. write them down and other things too if you can think of them and when things get tough bring it out and know that there are people that love and support you.

feel free to keep asking questions and ill do my best to answer them ok.

xoxoxox

[dragonflies]

Hey sn and LuLu,

I'm feeling low today, I don't know why. I don't even feel the energy to talk about what's going on, partly because I don't know whats going on. I'm tired of my outlook on life changing all the time. I am feeling like there is no hope, even with the help from psychiatrists and psychologists. They can only do so much until it's left to us to decide to step up. I just don't want to and I feel so selfish and ungrateful for that. I don't want help from anyone because I can't even help myself. Why should anyone try help someone who doesn't want to be helped. It doesn't make sense to me. I don't want to be involved in life. I don't want tomorrow to come. I just want to pause everything.

I feel like nothing.

Also I want to say to you guys, thanks for responding to this thread and for all of us to continue to chat. It has made me feel less alone. I even think we are friends in some sort of way. Just by having someone to talk to about what is going on every other day rather than just being alone with it all. So I'm thankful for that. I never thought anyone would ever care.

I don't know what to do anymore. Feeling like I've had enough. Thinking really badly about myself and who I am. I don't care about anything right now.

Hope you've both been doing okay.

dragonflies

[startingnew]

hi Dragon

im really sorry to hear that your not doing great. i do hope it passes quickly.

keep talking, keep reaching out.

i do have to ask are you safe? please call lifeline or beyond blue if your not

'you are worth it!

and i do agree, we are friends 🙂 and it has been lovley chatting with you guys here

[LuLu_]

Hi dragon

I too have felt similarly to how you are feeling. I have thought horribly about myself and my exsistence.

I want you to know that I believe you are worth it.

I feel selfish when I think those things as well. Perhaps now is a time to be kind to yourself. I suppose when I feel like this I just want a person to tell me to stay. To just look after myself and be here. To just have a day. It doesn’t have to be good. But if you can just try to look after yourself without pressure maybe it might make you feel a little better.

I am sending hugs your way.

lulu x

[startingnew]

how are we all?

[LuLu_]

Hi SN

I am up and down but mostly I feel numb. It’s hard to know how you are when you feel like this...

feeling guilt, worthlessness and hopefulness.

at least my horse provides hugs

how are you?

lulu

[startingnew]

yeah i definently understand that. feeling that way myself again.

im really glad your horse provides cuddles. they never fail us do they

have you been seeing your psychologist lately?

[LuLu_]

I started to feel really sad and alone. I contacted her and said I needed to see her earlier. But now i am in a slump of not really caring and just doing the hints I have to without much feeling. So i am going to find it hard to describe how sad I felt when now I feel so disconnected to that.

It makes me feel fake and a liar when I tell her I felt horrible but now i am fine. It’s like i am just trying to make myself look sick for attention. I am avoiding friends and social situations and i am finding it hard to look people in the eyes. It’s getting confusing again.

Have you been in contact with your support network? Have you had any victories you would like to share?

id like to get to know you more if you wouldn’t mind. I am feeling a bit lonely.

lulu

[startingnew]

i dont mind at all Lulu. im always happy to chat 🙂

psychologists are very aware that people have ups and downs. you might not think its common but it really is.

i actually cant look at people in the eyes at all, it makes me really nervous and makes me really uncomfortable.

hmm victories. well mess makes me really anxious and since im in the middle of moving house theres mess everywhere and ive finally gotten a handle on it and is alot more manageable now. doesnt seem like much- cleaning a house- but it casued me great distress so thats a start.

what about you? i know you placed at the show the other weekend which is amazing!