Wishing for a friend to talk to

[dragonflies]

Hi,

I feel alone. I'm 19 and I have no friends anymore. No one to confide in, trust, or share my life with. I just want someone to talk to. Someone who gets me and who I can relate to and vice versa. I find it hard trying to make friends. I dread the process of getting to know someone completely for who they are. It takes so much time and effort. I have only ever been hurt in the past after making such close friends and having them just drift away from you without a care in the world.

Does anyone feel like this too?

dragonflies

[startingnew]

hello Lulu, Dragonflies Mrs D and padfoot (and followers 🙂 )

i cant go back and read too far its overloading my brain so... from here onwards

how is everyone going? hows the weekend going and plans?

[dragonflies]

Hey sn,

Average on my end...

How are you? How are you since leaving the hospital?

Do you mind me asking why you went in?

I hope all is okay.

dragonflies

[LuLu_]

Hi dragon

Whats my first step? .... I think i am afraid of thinking of a first step because that means I actually want to recover. Which goes against my beliefs that I want to stay sick. Which would mean i am lying and that would make me feel like a bad person. I suppose the first step would have to be to come up with my first step. Or perhaps understand why I don’t want to get better.

It’s quite confusing upstairs. I can’t keep up with myself.

i suppose I’m not being honest because i am avoiding certain situations in my life. I am ignoring the true reasons of why I am feeling the way I do. Perhaps that’s because i am not 100% sure on those reasons.

i blame myself for everything. So I suppose blaming my depression helps me deal with the guilt I feel towards everything.

feeling sad is satisfying for me. I think it’s because I tell myself I should feel bad for how I’ve made people feel. I should feel bad because I’ve become a burden whose drained everyone and taken everything and given nothing in return.

The girl you have come to know sounds lovely. It sounds like a refreshing change for you. I hope you continue to talk to her.

Currently I just feel really lonely and lost. I feel really selfish and helpless. I am kind of just isolating myself. I just don’t feel good enough. I don’t feel i am a positive presence for my friends and family. Anyway enough about me and my dreary ways.

Would I be right in saying you are taking positive steps towards you own wellness? Something that resonated with me is that it’s hard to take your own advice. Do you believe that if you are in a mess you still have the ability to give advice? I’d feel bad if I was being harmful rather than helpful.

My holidays have mostly just me trying to be alone and trying to just be.

How are you? How do you feel?

i hope to hear from you soon

lulu

[LuLu_]

Hi SN

how are you feeling? i believe things haven’t been easy for you lately. Is there anything we can do to help?

Today I had the first day of my two day competition with my horse. He was very good and tried very hard. I am proud of us for being a good team.

Hope to hear from you soon

lulu

[startingnew]

Hi Dragon and Lulu will address this part ot both of you


I do hope things improve for you!
Im doing ok, I could be better but I also could be a lot worse. Adjsuting back from hospital is really hard work. Nothing is the same when you leave so coming back to normality is tricky and a slow but doable process.
I went in there because my depression got really bad and ended up making plans to end my life. Before it got to that I went and got help. Whislt I was in there though had physical conditions that needed heavy duty treatment including a kidney infection and pneumonia. So it all got treated while I was in there.

Dragon- whats happening for you? do you want to talk about it?


Lulu I know youve addressed this to Dragon but I hope you dont mind me giving my pov.
Getting help is scary and is very courageous. However it is worth it. The first place I would start is by going to your gp and getting them to assess you mh and also write up a mental health care plan. From there your able to get medicare subsidesed sessions to see a psychologist.
One of the things I suggest however is done isolate yourself. Whilst you dont feel like socialising, you enjoy it dont you?
You enjoy riding and spending time with your horse?


Keep doing the things you love, because I find the deeper the hole the harder it is to get up and out of. The thoughts telling you deserve all of this is what we call the beast. Its trying to control you and make you feel so unworthy that you dont give in. use that love for doing the things you find fun and enjoyable including hanging around friends and family is stopping the best in its tracks so to speak. Kinda of like you sayin 'get lost I deserve to be happy' because you do deserve to be happy and you are very worthy of it no matter what your thoughts tell you.


Are you still in high school? Sorry ive forgotten some people ages and bits of their stories so forgive me if youve alreyd told me which im sure you have...
but you could also speak to your school counsellor. Its free and at your hands (meaning you can use it) so please do.

im really glad your enjoying your horse competition! you sound like a great team!

[startingnew]

i wrote a response but its not up yet

[dragonflies]

Hey LuLu,

I know that feeling so well - where you don't want to recover. That has been my biggest struggle. I'm still having a hard time overcoming it. Im sitting on the fence. I guess thats closer to the other side than I've ever been before.

I don't want to get better because I don't want anyone to have to be around me or have me in their lives. I don't want to be a part of anything. I don't want to have any importance or purpose - or have anyone depend on me. I don't think I am a good person. I don't believe the world is a nice place. I think we exist for no reason and that where the world is heading in the future is just going to be chaos. There are so many people, so much technology and globalisation it's just too much. I'm told there is beauty in life too. But I don't know why I don't care or want to pursue happiness.

If you would like to talk about your certain situations, to get it out in the open, I am more than happy to listen if you wanted to.

There doesn't necessarily need to be a reason, it can just be everything mixed together, including both the good and the bad...

I can relate to how feeling sad is satisfying our urge to put ourselves down and punish ourselves. You should know you're not a burden though. You haven't drained people - they make their own decisions. Do you feel like you want to give back?

Yeah I'm feeling lonely, lost, selfish and helpless too haha. I have began to push back from everything again. I can easily hide away at my mums house because I haven't got my dad here pressing me constantly. I feel the same about my presence. You just need to remember that you are you and that is okay. Your friends and family accept you for you. Try not to be hard on yourself, I think you're really lovely and considerate from speaking with you.

Well, in some ways I guess I'm taking positive steps (compared to the past 5 years), it feels back and forth. One step forward, one step back, two steps forward, 3 steps back. I just never know how is going to go.

Absolutely, I'm terrible at taking my own advice. However, when I speak to people here I say what I truly believe, not just what I think is the right thing to say, I say what Id believe I too need to do and take on. I understand how hard it is to do that. Beginning to talk about what you think will make others happy in someway lets yourself learn about what can work for you to feel better too.

I'm just feeling fed up. Paused everything or something. Not much motivation right now...

[LuLu_]

Hi SN

I am relieved to know you feel that hospital is an option for you and admire your courage to reach out. I think for me if I decided to end it all I might not reach out. i hope you adjust a little bit and feel a little better soon. You have so much going on I can imagine how exhausting it must be.

I have a psychologist and psychiatrist. I am also on medication.

to be honest socialising makes me question whether my behaviour is real or fake. I feel out of place like i am just there because people feel they have to include me. It makes me feel very alone and sad. I just feel i am so much less then everyone. I feel that the time invested in me is a waste.

My horse was amazing this weekend. We came second in the event and it’s the highest level I’ve competed at. He is wonderful. He is the one thing that makes sense and feel right.

I like talking to everyone here, but it is hard to talk when i am low. I am sure you can understand

lulu

[startingnew]

hi lulu firstly CONGRATS! that is an AMAZING result! go you!

i have attempted twice before and i came out worse. its not nice at all, and it doesnt solve anything at all so if you ever feel suicidal please please reach out. jsut keep reaching out to someone, anyone ok.

all of what your describing is depression sweets, as i said we call it the beast. a monster. a demon.

are you finding your psychologist helpful? if not i suggest changing or even going in there and saying what you need help with specifically and i think at it those low feelings and how to helpyourself more

what to you think?

[startingnew]

hey guys if your ever up for it check out the friends cafe. we would love to see you there and can meet some more young members too, they might even be able to offer some more advice if you tel them your thread name