What happened doesn't have to define me

[Mia001]

Hi everyone!

I'm new here. Not really sure what to do. Where do I start? Any suggestions?

Mia

[Mia001]

Hi Mary,

I am trying, but it’s a constant struggle with myself. I keep fighting. I keep getting out of bed, going to work, and telling myself that things will get better. I’m exhausted and I feel trapped in an endless struggle thats only causing me pain. I can’t see things getting any better even though I know they can.

I want to give up on my life. It seems so much easier than trying to keep going. Like when you’ve had 5 hours sleep last night and it’s been a long day. You’re really tired but you stay up late because there are things that have to be done before tomorrow. Your body is screaming for rest but you force yourself to keep going a little while longer.

I’ve never actually self harmed, although I’ve been very close do doing so. A small victory I guess. I will talk to my counsellor about it. I have an appointment with her tomorrow. It will be another exhausting session I think. I really don’t like talking about this stuff. 🙁

I’ve never understood why people stand around take photos instead of helping when there’s an accident. I find the violence and sad endings (eg. main character dies/loses everything) are what triggers me. I know I should stop watching when I get upset. I’m just to embarrassed to tell everyone else that I can’t deal with it.

I’m working my first shift in aged care this afternoon/night. I’m also going to a funeral in the morning so I’m hoping that I will be able to keep it together. I don’t want to be crying on my first shift.

One of my friends told me last night that her daughter is struggling with mental health and she thought it would be helpful for both us if I would talk to her. I’m honoured that she asked me. Unsure of myself and how I will cope though. Then again, it might prove to be a blessing for both of us.

So much is happening right now!!!! 😩

Mia

[Guest8901]

Dear Mia.

My goodness, you are so hard on yourself aren't you! You are most definitely not pathetic. You are about as courageous as they come.

When you consider how much has happened over the past year for you, I think you are amazing.

Now, if you have not already done so, stop procrastinating and book that driving test.

And keep calling Lifeline as you have been doing. That is a show of strength in itself.

You may not see it yet, but you are making headway. Everything will be okay sweetie. Big hug to you beautiful.

Amanda

[Mia001]

Hi everyone,

The job in aged care is going okay. I’m overwhelmed with it all at the moment; there’s so much to learn and remember! The staff have all been very helpful though and I do enjoy working with the residents. I’m working my third shift tonight.

I have asked for 6 weeks unpaid leave from my fast food job. After that time is up, I’ll consider either quitting or taking more leave, depending on how the aged care job is going.

I saw my counsellor yesterday and told her what has been happening. She said it’s the first time she’s ever seen me visibly upset. I think she’s worried about me. I’ll be seeing her every week for the moment.

I saw my GP today to talk about how the meds have been going. She said that they might take another few weeks to make a difference. Apparently they can make you worse before they start working.

I passed the Hazard Perception Test today. Now all I need to do is a driving test and I have my P’s! I’m going to talk to work and book it as soon as I can, which will probably be in 2 weeks.

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

So pleased about your new job. I thought you would do well. Try not to worry if you do not remember everything you are supposed to do. There are so many things involved. But I am sure you already know this.

Good you have spoken to your counsellor and my apologies about the self harm. I knew it was not something you did often but I thought it happened occasionally. I am so very sorry to misunderstand and pleased I was wrong.

Great idea to take leave from your current job just in case the other does not work out. I think you will be accepted as a permanent member of staff. Keep going. You have several matters on your mind but as you work through them you will feel more comfortable. Some meds do take time for a full effect to take place so be guided by your GP. When you are going through a rough patch with MH it's a good idea to keep in frequent contact with your team. When/if things go a little askew you can reach out for help before you get too far down the road.

I keep getting out of bed, going to work, and telling myself that things will get better. And you will get better, more resilient and have much more enjoyment. The tendency is to expect this sort of thing to happen quickly. I know I fell into that trap and became very disconsolate because it was not happening. When we have high expectations of a swift cure it can stop us seeing the small but steady progress we have made. It is a bit like a baby learning to walk. They get up on their feet for the first time and everyone cheers. Baby knows they have done something clever and promptly sits down. You can see the determination in them to master this art and be able to run around after other family members.

The baby takes a while to walk and relies on the encouragement of his/her family. I know I need lots of encouragement at times and I have finally realised it's OK to ask. I still see my psychiatrist weekly although this is due to some traumatic events in the past six months. I am pleased to report I am making huge improvements, one of them being not to set enormous expectations of myself. Another is to 'know' I have the strength to keep going even when I want to give up.

I have put several of my activities on hold just lately and have given myself permission to go back to the hobbies I enjoy. So I sit and embroider when I do not need to go out out and I am regaining my joy is making lovely things. And of course that is reflected in my confidence. Out of limit.

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi everyone,

Mary - I should be the one apologising, not you. I started self harming yesterday. I’m sorry.

The late shifts in aged care have made me very tired so I missed church today. I’m currently at home, alone. Not a good place to be. I self harmed again this morning. I felt numb and empty, but vaguely horrified at what I’d done. Afterwards I chatted online with the Kids Helpline. Hopefully next time I get the urge I will reach out before I self harm.

I’m not looking forward to telling my counsellor on Tuesday.

Mia

[Guest8901]

Dear sweet Mia. I feel as though I have abandoned you. I'm so sorry, especially since you are going through so much right now. I note that you have not been on here for the past 6 days. I really hope you're okay.

Sorry to hear that the night shifts at the nursing home are making you so tired. Also that it resulted in your missing church. I think church is quite important to you?

Oh dear ... the self harming is a problem Mia, and I'm so sorry to hear that it has started. I know you are feeling a little overwhelmed with so much happening currently. Please try to concentrate on all the positives you have in your life right now. And continue to call the help lines when you feel any urges to self harm. Its important not to feel alone under such circumstances. If you contact them early enough, you may be able to prevent it happening.

Hey well done on passing the Hazard Perception Test 9 days ago. Perhaps by now you are booked in for your drivers licence test?

I'm glad you are seeing your counsellor weekly at this stage. And I think its also a good thing she has seen you so visibly upset last week, as it will alert her to the fact that you really are struggling and need her care more than ever. Trust her, she has your interests in mind. Be open and honest with her, otherwise she cannot help you. I hope your appointment this week went well.

Much love and a big hug coming your way Mia. Are you working through the weekend, or do you have time off? Good thinking to go on 6 weeks leave from your fast food job. Decisions can be made about that when the time comes. Hopefully the aged care work goes well, and that it becomes a stepping stone to your ideal career.

Kindest

Amanda

[Mia001]

Hi Amanda,

Please don’t feel like you’ve abandoned me. I’ve been keeping an eye on your thread too and I see you have a lot going on too. Glad to hear that you’re home again and I hope your cold is getting better. 💐 Take care of yourself too.

Yes, the shifts have been making very tired. I’m swapping between early shifts and late shifts at the moment. I worked 5 days this week including yesterday but I have today off fortunately. I went to church today. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep at some point. I was still listening though! 😂

I’m not working this week. I have to be at TAFE every day as it’s the first week. It will be good to focus on one thing at a time. I can’t help thinking that I’ve taken on way too much. I don’t know how I’m going to work AND study. Work alone is a massive effort. I’m struggling to take care of myself, let alone others. I don’t have the focus or motivation to work properly. I’m stressed, I keep making mistakes, I can’t concentrate. Some of the residents are aggressive or creepy which making me on edge all the time. I feel like I’m failing.

I’m watching myself slowly drown. I feel so helpless and scared. It seems like nothing is working. I’m exhausted and I don’t want to keep fighting. I’m torn between hanging on and giving up. It’s tempting to just to quit my job and drop out of TAFE, although I suspect that would only make things worse.

My appointment went okay last week. I’m trying to be open with my counsellor, because I know that I desperately need help. I’m just tired and confused which is making it difficult. I won’t be seeing her this week because of TAFE so I’ll have to call her instead.

I have self harmed a few times in the last few days. Sometimes I think I just don’t care anymore but I know I’m trying. It just feels like I’m fighting a losing battle... with myself. 💔

There are some positives. My driving lesson is booked for next week so I should have my P’s soon. I’m also eating more normally again. The last few weeks I just didn’t want to eat.
I’m trying to do things that I like. I’ve started a book and I’m going to catch up with a friend this afternoon.

Thankyou for the hug. I really needed it.

🤗 Mia

[Guest8901]

Dear Mia,

Really sorry life is so difficult for you right now. And on top of that you are trying to learn a new job and become accustomed to shift work. And also have many other issues bubbling along in the background. Or actually foreground really, when it comes to your psych visits and associated difficulties, including SH.

Gosh I really dont know what to say about that, nothing I can say will help unfortunately. Its important that you keep trying to be open and upfront with your counsellor. Its unfortunate that your work prevents a visit this week, but hopefully you will have a chance to phone her and talk instead.

At least you continue to be able to see some positives. Very important and quite typical of how I see you - tending to be positive in nature, and someone who never gives up. You will win this battle Mia ... fear not. You are such a strong, sensible, mature young lady. You have had to deal with such a lot for someone still so young, but you keep battling through.

Good to hear that you are eating a little better as good nutrition is equally as important as regular exercise and sufficient sleep. Are you still trying to get to the gym a few times a week? I expect shift work will continue to play havoc with your sleep cycles, but from what I'm told, it does get easier. I personally have never had to work shift work, so dont know.

I hope the catchup with your friend on Sunday was good for both of you? Are you into the new book yet, or having difficulty concentrating?

And here's another (non contageous) hug for you. Yes I still have the heavy cold, which is settling into the chest now unfortunately.

Stay positive Mia. Know that I care and am thinking of you.

Amanda

[Guest8901]

Hello sweetheart. Just quickly dropping by to check you're okay. I know its not easy for you right now, and that you have a lot going on. So I'm a little concerned about you. Remember the help lines if you need them. And I expect to be around a bit more again now if you ever want a chat.

Sending love and a gentle caring hug. 💕

Amanda

[Mia001]

Hi Amanda,

TAFE has been okay. I’m enjoying it although some it is going over tasks that I already perform in the workplace. There are actually a few people from my aged care work in my class. It’s nice to see a few familiar faces. I haven’t really made friends with anyone yet. The first few days I sat with classmates but they kept asking if I was tired because I was spacing out and not saying much. So now I go somewhere quiet and eat lunch by myself. I probably shouldn’t but it’s exhausting trying to pretend I’m ok all the time.

I rang my counsellor yesterday and a quick chat which was good. I’m seeing her next Tuesday.

I’m not going to the gym at the moment because I’ve been so busy. That’s my excuse anyway. I also don’t want everyone to see that I self harm as it will be clearly visible when I’m in my gym clothes. I’ll have to wear something different.

Spending time with my friend on the weekend was good. I’m hoping to catch up with a few of my other friends sometime soon.

I’m only a few chapters into the book. I do have difficulty concentrating so I’m only reading about 8 pages at a time.

🤗❤️ Mia